I remember that period as a time of many "firsts": The first time I heard Baba moan in the bathroom. The first time I found blood on his pillow. In over three years running the gas station, Baba had never called in sick. Another first.
By Halloween of that year, Baba was getting so tired by mid-Saturday afternoon that he'd wait behind the wheel while I got out and bargained for junk. By Thanksgiving, he wore out before noon. When sleighs appeared on front lawns and fake snow on Douglas firs, Baba stayed home and I drove the VW bus alone up and down the peninsula.
Sometimes at the flea market, Afghan acquaintances made remarks about Baba's weight loss. At first, they were complimentary. They even asked the secret to his diet. But the queries and compliments stopped when the weight loss didn't. When the pounds kept shedding. And shedding. When his cheeks hollowed. And his temples melted. And his eyes receded in their sockets.
Then, one cool Sunday shortly after New Year's Day, Baba was selling a lampshade to a stocky Filipino man while I rummaged in the VW for a blanket to cover his legs with.
"Hey, man, this guy needs help!" the Filipino man said with alarm. I turned around and found Baba on the ground. His arms and legs were jerking.
"Komak!" I cried. "Somebody help!" I ran to Baba. He was frothing at the mouth, the foamy spittle soaking his beard. His upturned eyes showed nothing but white.
People were rushing to us. I heard someone say seizure. Some one else yelling, "Call 911!" I heard running footsteps. The sky darkened as a crowd gathered around us.
Baba's spittle turned red. He was biting his tongue. I kneeled beside him and grabbed his arms and said I'm here Baba, I'm here, you'll be all right, I'm right here. As if I could soothe the convulsions out of him. Talk them into leaving my Baba alone. I felt a wetness on my knees. Saw Baba's bladder had let go. Shhh, Baba jan, I'm here. Your son is right here.THE DOCTOR, white-bearded and perfectly bald, pulled me out of the room. "I want to go over your father's CAT scans with you," he said. He put the films up on a viewing box in the hallway and pointed with the eraser end of his pencil to the pictures of Baba's cancer, like a cop showing mug shots of the killer to the victim's family. Baba's brain on those pictures looked like cross sections of a big walnut, riddled with tennis ball-shaped gray things.
"As you can see, the cancer's metastasized," he said. "He'll have to take steroids to reduce the swelling in his brain and antiseizure medications. And I'd recommend palliative radiation. Do you know what that means?"
I said I did. I'd become conversant in cancer talk.
"All right, then," he said. He checked his beeper. "I have to go, but you can have me paged if you have any questions."
"Thank you."
I spent the night sitting on a chair next to Baba's bed. THE NEXT MORNING, the waiting room down the hall was jammed with Afghans. The butcher from Newark. An engineer who'd worked with Baba on his orphanage. They filed in and paid Baba their respects in hushed tones. Wished him a swift recovery. Baba was awake then, groggy and tired, but awake.
Midmorning, General Taheri and his wife came. Soraya followed. We glanced at each other, looked away at the same time. "How are you, my friend?" General Taheri said, taking Baba's hand.
Baba motioned to the IV hanging from his arm. Smiled thinly. The general smiled back.
"You shouldn't have burdened yourselves. All of you," Baba croaked.
"It's no burden," Khanum Taheri said.
"No burden at all. More importantly, do you need anything?" General Taheri said. "Anything at all? Ask me like you'd ask a brother."
I remembered something Baba had said about Pashtuns once. We may be hardheaded and I know we're far too proud, but, in the hour of need, believe me that there's no one you'd rather have at your side than a Pashtun.
Baba shook his head on the pillow. "Your coming here has brightened my eyes." The general smiled and squeezed Baba's hand. "How are you, Amir jan? Do you need anything?"
The way he was looking at me, the kindness in his eyes... "Nay thank you, General Sahib. I'm..." A lump shot up in my throat and my eyes teared over. I bolted out of the room.
I wept in the hallway, by the viewing box where, the night before, I'd seen the killer's face.
Baba's door opened and Soraya walked out of his room. She stood near me. She was wearing a gray sweatshirt and jeans. Her hair was down. I wanted to find comfort in her arms.
"I'm so sorry, Amir," she said. "We all knew something was wrong, but we had no idea it was this."
I blotted my eyes with my sleeve. "He didn't want anyone to know."
"Do you need anything?"
"No." I tried to smile. She put her hand on mine. Our first touch. I took it. Brought it to my face. My eyes. I let it go. "You'd better go back inside. Or your father will come after me."
She smiled and nodded. "I should." She turned to go. "Soraya?"
"Yes?"
"I'm happy you came, It means... the world to me."THEY DISCHARGED BABA two days later. They brought in a specialist called a radiation oncologist to talk Baba into getting radiation treatment. Baba refused. They tried to talk me into talking him into it. But I'd seen the look on Baba's face. I thanked them, signed their forms, and took Baba home in my Ford Torino. That night, Baba was lying on the couch, a wool blanket covering him. I brought him hot tea and roasted almonds. Wrapped my arms around his back and pulled him up much too easily. His shoulder blade felt like a bird's wing under my fingers. I pulled the blanket back up to his chest where ribs stretched his thin, sallow skin.
"Can I do anything else for you, Baba?"
"Nay, bachem. Thank you."
I sat beside him. "Then I wonder if you'll do something for me. If you're not too exhausted."
"What?"
"I want you to go khastegari. I want you to ask General Taheri for his daughter's hand."
Baba's dry lips stretched into a smile. A spot of green on a wilted leaf. "Are you sure?"
"More sure than I've ever been about anything."
"You've thought it over?"
"Balay, Baba."
"Then give me the phone. And my little notebook."
I blinked. "Now?"
"Then when?"
I smiled. "Okay." I gave him the phone and the little black notebook where Baba had scribbled his Afghan friends' numbers.
He looked up the Taheris. Dialed. Brought the receiver to his ear. My heart was doing pirouettes in my chest.
"Jamila jan? Salaam alaykum," he said. He introduced himself. Paused. "Much better, thank you. It was so gracious of you to come." He listened for a while. Nodded. "I'll remember that, thank you. Is General Sahib home?" Pause. "Thank you."
His eyes flicked to me. I wanted to laugh for some reason. Or scream. I brought the ball of my hand to my mouth and bit on it. Baba laughed softly through his nose.
"General Sahib, Salaam alaykum... Yes, much much better... Balay... You're so kind. General Sahib, I'm calling to ask if I may pay you and Khanum Taheri a visit tomorrow morning. It's an honorable matter... Yes... Eleven o'clock is just fine. Until then. Khoda hafez."
He hung up. We looked at each other. I burst into giggles. Baba joined in.BABA WET HIS HAIR and combed it back. I helped him into a clean white shirt and knotted his tie for him, noting the two inches of empty space between the collar button and Baba's neck. I thought of all the empty spaces Baba would leave behind when he was gone, and I made myself think of something else. He wasn't gone. Not yet. And this was a day for good thoughts. The jacket of his brown suit, the one he'd worn to my graduation, hung over him--too much of Baba had melted away to fill it anymore. I had to roll up the sleeves. I stooped and tied his shoelaces for him.
The Taheris lived in a flat, one-story house in one of the residential areas in Fremont known for housing a large number of Afghans. It had bay windows, a pitched roof, and an enclosed front porch on which I saw potted geraniums. The general's gray van was parked in the driveway.
I helped Baba out of the Ford and slipped back behind the wheel. He leaned in the passenger window. "Be home, I'll call you in an hour."
"Okay, Baba," I said. "Good luck."
He smiled.
I drove away. In the rearview mirror, Baba was hobbling up the Taheris' driveway for one last fatherly duty.I PACED THE LIVING ROOM of our apartment waiting for Baba's call. Fifteen paces long. Ten and a half paces wide. What if the general said no? What if he hated me? I kept going to the kitchen, checking the oven clock.
The phone rang just before noon. It was Baba.
"Well?"
"The general accepted."
I let out a burst of air. Sat down. My hands were shaking. "He did?"
"Yes, but Soraya jan is upstairs in her room. She wants to talk to you first."
"Okay."
Baba said something to someone and there was a double click as he hung up.
"Amir?" Soraya's voice. "Salaam."
"My father said yes."
"I know," I said. I switched hands. I was smiling. "I'm so happy I don't know what to say."
"I'm happy too, Amir. I... can't believe this is happening."
I laughed. "I know."
"Listen," she said, "I want to tell you something. Something you have to know before..."
"I don't care what it is."
"You need to know. I don't want us to start with secrets. And I'd rather you hear it from me." "If it will make you feel better, tell me. But it won't change anything."
There was a long pause at the other end. "When we lived in Virginia, I ran away with an Afghan man. I was eighteen at the time... rebellious... stupid, and... he was into drugs... We lived together for almost a month. All the Afghans in Virginia were talking about it.
"Padar eventually found us. He showed up at the door and... made me come home. I was hysterical. Yelling. Screaming. Saying I hated him...
"Anyway, I came home and--" She was crying. "Excuse me." I heard her put the phone down. Blow her nose. "Sorry," she came back on, sounding hoarse. "When I came home, I saw my mother had had a stroke, the right side of her face was paralyzed and... I felt so guilty. She didn't deserve that.
"Padar moved us to California shortly after." A silence followed.
"How are you and your father now?" I said.
"We've always had our differences, we still do, but I'm grateful he came for me that day. I really believe he saved me." She paused. "So, does what I told you bother you?"
"A little," I said. I owed her the truth on this one. I couldn't lie to her and say that my pride, my iftikhar, wasn't stung at all that she had been with a man, whereas I had never taken a woman to bed. It did bother me a bit, but I had pondered this quite a lot in the weeks before I asked Baba to go khastegari. And in the end the question that always came back to me was this: How could I, of all people, chastise someone for their past?
"Does it bother you enough to change your mind?"
"No, Soraya. Not even close," I said. "Nothing you said changes anything. I want us to marry."