Sam sucked in breath through his nose, turned to face the ocean and let it out on a quiet, “Fuck.”
“Before you got to the beach today, Luci shared that she’s cut her trip to Italy short. She’s not going back. She’s staying here.” Sam’s eyes came back to me. “At Celeste’s advice, I’m going to find my time soon and have a direct chat with her.”
“That’d be good seein’ as I talked to Vitale today after I got back from the gym but before goin’ out to the beach and he said he tried a couple of times to broach it but in the end, pulled back. Spoiled her when she was a kid. Spoiling her now. Neither time is right to do that shit but this time, he should have more balls.”
“You’re right,” I agreed.
Sam, not wearing sunglasses, looked closely at me. “You think it should be me who talks to her?”
“I think that maybe she needs you as a safe haven so if I talk to her and it goes south and colors the way she feels about me, she still has you. So, no, I think it should be me who talks to her.”
He took in another deep breath and as he did it, his arm around me got tighter, pulling me closer and he noted gently, “Not gonna be pleasant for you, baby.”
“What she said to me in Italy, what Celeste said, I don’t know but I don’t think we should ignore the signs, Sam. So unpleasant or not, it’s time for someone to step in and that someone is going to be me.”
He nodded and his arm got tighter even as his body shifted closer and he asked, “You know what you’re gonna say?”
“I’m going to tell her to sit herself down a year ago with a Gordo who knew in a year he would be gone and ask her to tell me how Gordo would feel about how she is right now.”
At that, his arm got so tight, for a second, it cut off my air but for a lot longer, it made my heart race at what might have caused that reaction.
I didn’t get the chance to ask because Sam remarked, “Baby, you don’t know him, you can’t guide that conversation.”
“You’re wrong,” I replied softly. “I know, standing here right now with you, feeling the things I feel for you, this being so good, if I found out that I wouldn’t be here a year from now, I’d tell you and I’d mean it that I’d be hugely disappointed in you if you didn’t feel what you had to feel then pull your shit together and find someone else who it was good with. And from what I know of him, Travis Gordon would say the same.”
He’d been leaning us both into the railing but at my words, he straightened, taking me with him and what we were talking about evaporated and something else bloomed. And when it bloomed, it bloomed like a mushroom cloud.
I knew it looking into his face, it was intense but it wasn’t warm. It was hard and his eyes were glittering with something, anger, definitely, but something more, something deeper, something distressing. I also knew it because his other hand suddenly came up and plunged into my hair, immediately fisting.
And lastly I knew it when he rumbled low and menacing, “Do not ever say that shit again.”
Oh God.
I’d crossed a line.
“Sam –”
His neck bent suddenly so his face was all I could see.
“Do not ever say that f**kin’ shit again.”
Oh God!
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered quickly. “You’re right. I don’t know Gordo. I don’t know what he would –”
“No,” he growled. “You’re right. Gordo would say that. Gordo would be pissed as all f**kin’ hell Luci wasn’t pulling her shit together. What I’m sayin’ is, don’t you talk about dying. Don’t you ever, Kia, f**kin’ talk to me again about dying.”
What on earth was going on?
“Sam –”
“Don’t do it.”
“Sam, honey –”
His face got even closer and he snarled, “Ever.”
Then he abruptly let me go and strode away. Not to the house, to the walkway at the side. He took it with long, angry strides, a Memphis I feared he didn’t notice bouncing at his heels, and both of them quickly disappeared.
“What on earth?” I whispered, my heart still racing, my breath coming fast and that hard look on Sam’s face burned into my brain.
* * * * *
I was in the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror.
Earlier that evening, Sam had come back and, like I was becoming accustomed when he had an episode (with me or others), he sorted it out himself and put it behind him.
And he expected you to do the same.
The Sam who came back with Memphis after a ten minute walk was not the emotion unleashed Sam who had walked away from me on the deck. He was a laidback, mellow, clearly enjoying his beach house filled with people he cared about Sam.
Dinner was delicious. I was surprised that Maris served a fabulously succulent pork roast, buttered and herbed new potatoes and a delicious salad and not something Mexican. But I learned during dinner conversation at Sam’s big dining room table that Maris’s mother was white, her father Hispanic and Maris had unfortunately perpetuated the family misfortune when she hooked up with Sam’s Dad. Her father was not a good father, he skipped out on her family when she was a little girl and she hadn’t seen him since. Therefore, although he left her mother, her brother and Maris in the barrio, her mother was so bitter about her husband’s desertion she blocked her children learning any of the customs that surrounded them so Maris knew very little of that side of her heritage.
She also shared that Sam, too, had lost the African American side of his heritage as not only did he not want anything to do with his father, his grandparents from a very young age did not play any part in his life. Most assuredly not Sam’s paternal grandfather who was black and also who died when Sam was ten after choosing his sparring partner in a bar fight very badly, his opponent had a knife and was not afraid to use it. So he did.
I thought that was sad.
I did not share this because this was the only downer of the evening. The rest of it, we had a great time. Although not everyone got tipsy or, in Hap’s case roaring drunk, at the dinner table then when we moved to the couches, conversation was fast and fun.
It included all of us sharing amusing stories about our lives, even Celeste got into it talking about growing up in France and, with her sophisticated manner and beautiful accent, the woman could seriously weave a tale. We were all entranced.
And Hap, surprisingly but with keen attention to Luci that was hidden behind his fun-loving grins, shared about Gordo. I didn’t know why he did this but I suspected he did it because Gordo lived and Gordo was loved and Gordo shouldn’t be swept under the rug and he was making a gentle point that everyone needed to move onto happy memories.