“They tore huge chunks of you away and they can have those. I can’t get those back, but they are not taking the you that’s mine away from me.”
“Babe—”
“No,” I bit off. “I waited for you for almost a lifetime. I’m not going to get you and have any of the good parts torn away, like you sleeping somewhere else. I like sleeping with you. I feel safe with you beside me. I wake up happy. They don’t get to take that from me, and further, they don’t get it from you.”
He gave me a light shake. “Babe, tonight, no clue what I was doin’, I threw you across the room.”
“Throw me out the window, I don’t care. Just don’t make me sleep without you.”
His arms convulsed and his voice was hoarse when Raiden began, “Love that, baby, but—”
I cut him off. “Not to throw your words in your face but did your buddies die so you can sleep without your woman?”
He went completely still.
I didn’t give up.
“Talk to one of the guys,” I ordered.
“Babe—”
I pressed my hands into his head. “Raid. Talk. To. One. Of. The. Guys.” I didn’t give him a chance to respond. I took my hands from his head, slapped them on his chest and cried, “God! Don’t you think the same thing is happening to them that’s happening to you? So much testosterone, sucking it up and not wanting to appear weak. Don’t you think that they’re waiting for the strongest one of you to step up, get it out and give them that outlet so you can all find ways to move the heck on?”
I stopped talking and braced for his reaction, which could be anything, but was stunned with what I got.
His head dropped forward so his forehead rested on my shoulder. He turned it, tipped his chin, and, lips at my ear, whispered, “Hal was with me. Hal was… I’ll talk to Hal.”
I had no clue who Hal was. I just knew I was thanking God the unknown Hal existed and my man trusted him enough to talk to him about this.
I also closed my eyes and clutched him to me.
“Thank you,” I breathed.
“And I’ll sleep here. With you.”
I clutched him closer and repeated my relieved, “Thank you.”
His head came up and he caught my eyes in the dark. “You got that, honey, but you got it understanding right now. We make a deal that if that happens again, no matter how it happens, I hurt you, I almost hurt you, we’re done and I move to the other room until I get a lock on it.”
“Raid—”
“No, babe, that’s your compromise and as far as I’m willin’ to go. I love you’d take the risk. I love you don’t want to lose me. But see it from my perspective. If I actually hurt you, I’d have to live with that. Don’t make me.”
I got that, and while I didn’t like it, I got it, so I’d give it to him.
“Okay. I won’t make you.”
“Thank you.”
Even though I didn’t like giving him what I had to give him, I was glad I gave it to him because his thank you was so darn sweet.
I pulled in a deep breath, let it go, moved into him and cuddled close.
Raiden held me for a good long while then he shifted us so we were in bed, him on his back me tucked to his side.
His hand sifted through my hair then his arm stopped and curved round me.
It didn’t go slack.
He didn’t go to sleep.
Neither did I.
He was torturing himself because of what he did to me, and maybe scared of hurting me through another dream.
I was heartbroken he was sleepless for these reason.
Dawn touched the sky, and finally his arm went slack.
I finally allowed myself to drift to sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Nothing Sweeter
Three weeks later, Labor Day…
I watched as I wandered across Grams’s lawn. It was filled with people and tables groaning with food that she helped prepare, but these days the existence of the food had more to do with me, KC, Eunice, and this year Rachelle and Ruthie.
I folded myself in the chair next to Grams, feeling the sun beating on me, as well as a variety of other things.
Raiden was at the end of the yard, bent in, his hand curled around the red flag dangling from the middle of a long length of rope.
Kids were on either side, hands to the rope, ready.
“On three!” I heard him shout and my heart started beating harder, my belly getting warm, my skin tingling. “One!” He looked to his left. “Two!” He looked to his right. “Three!” he yelled.
He let go of the rope, stepped back and the kids started straining.
Grams’s annual picnic.
Tug of war.
His eyes came right to me.
My breath caught.
Then Raiden Ulysses Miller smiled at me.
The sun was warm and bright, but the heat that engulfed me had nothing to do with it.
I smiled back.
Grams’s hand curled around mine.
“Proud of you, chère,” I heard her say, but I didn’t take my eyes off Raid as he monitored the game.
I turned my hand and curved my fingers around hers.
“Battled the blaze,” she went on.
“It’s still burning.”
“Yes, I see. But I believe in you, precious girl. You’ll get it so it’s warm and cozy.”
I hoped she was right.
I didn’t share that. I just tightened my hand around hers as much as I dared.
“How’s it feel?” she asked.
“Nothing sweeter nor will there ever be,” I answered.
“Your old biddy of a Grams is right,” she murmured.
“Always.”
She held onto my hand.
I didn’t let go.
* * * * *
One month later…
I rode up to my house on my bike and saw Raiden sitting on the porch in one of my wicker chairs, hand curled around a beer.
He’d never done that, so I didn’t know if it was a good thing.
I rode up to the steps, pushed my kickstand down and dismounted. I walked up to the porch, appreciating his fall action man gear. This consisted of everything being the same, but instead of a tee, he was wearing a skintight thermal.
Indian summer long gone, a nip in the mountain air, I was wearing jeans, a cute pink sweater and low heeled boots.
I approached and his eyes moved over me before they shifted to my bike then back at me.
When he said, “Gonna have to put her up for the winter soon, babe,” I decided not to move into him and give him a kiss, and instead headed to the swing.
Shifting onto it with practiced ease, I lifted my legs and crossed them under me, looking back at him to see, through my movements, I had never lost those beautiful, unusual green eyes I hoped he gave our babies.