But it still wasn’t good.
“Park and I are close,” he declared, and I nodded since I knew this. He continued, “We talk. The last year, not often, can’t do that too often when you’re in the thick of shit. But when we do, we lay it out.”
Uh-oh.
I couldn’t know for certain what was coming, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have a feeling.
“Okay,” I said cautiously, sucking it up, wanting it over and inviting him to share what was on his mind.
Lan took me up on my invitation.
“Last thing I heard about you, Tabby, was that you were about to tie the knot and it was a coupla weeks after that went…” he paused and I knew he was trying to find the right words when he finished “… south.”
“Yeah,” I verified, still talking softly. “That went south.”
“Sorry, honey,” he whispered, and the way he said it was almost as sweet as his brother could be. I liked that even though I didn’t like our topic of conversation. Still, I nodded.
“That was a while ago, Landon,” I informed him. “Almost a year.”
“Yeah,” he muttered then he asked, “After the…” another hesitation “… other guy, is Park your first?”
I felt a tingle slide down my back, the kind that didn’t feel great.
This was none of his business. Okay, he was Shy’s brother, they were close so it kinda was.
It also kinda wasn’t.
“I’m not sure—” I started, but stopped when he shook his head and lifted a placating hand.
“Please get this, Tabby. He’s my brother. He’s my best friend. We’ve been through a lot of shit. In an effort to survive that, we had to learn how to unload and we did that by unloading on each other. After we both left that life, that didn’t stop. In other words, I know about you.” His eyes held mine. “All about you, Tabby.”
This wasn’t great news.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he lifted his hand again and kept his eyes locked to mine.
“I know he was a dick to you. When you laid it out for him, he gave that to me and I can see why you thought he was a dick. I also know he talked a lot about his brothers in his Club, and he talked about some of the family attached to that Club, and most of that family he talked about was you and you weren’t even talkin’ to him. He didn’t tell me why that was, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t get a read that he was into you. Seein’ him with you, the way I’ve never seen him with another woman, I get now he’s not into you. He’s into you.”
Well, that felt nice.
“I’m into him too,” I shared.
Lan nodded. “I can tell. I’m missin’ somethin’ from the last deep conversation I had with Park, seein’ as it was a long time ago, I can tell that too. What I gotta know is that this isn’t you steppin’ out from under grief, usin’ him to do it, and then you’re gonna leave him behind to go find another clean-cut guy you wanna hitch your star to.”
At that, my back went straight.
“I’m Chaos,” I reminded him, and he nodded.
“You are. I know that. Reigning princess. It’s my understanding, though, you turned your back on that for your last man.”
He was correct but he was going in the wrong direction.
“You can’t control who you fall in love with, Landon,” I pointed out, trying to keep the sharp out of my voice.
“No, you can’t. But you can dig down deep and assess if the man you’re with now genuinely means somethin’ to you, like you do to him, or if you’re on the rebound.”
I sucked in breath in an effort not to get angry and when I got it under control, I told him firmly, “I’m not on the rebound.”
“You didn’t dig deep, Tabby,” he returned quickly but gently, and I stared at him.
Then I leaned forward and locked my eyes to his.
“You two get a moment alone and, Landon, I’ll be talking with Shy shortly to get him to give you that as well as leave me to the stuff I have to do since I made some major decisions just yesterday, possibly screwing up my career, maybe being homeless and jobless, all so I could be with your brother, and I need to sort out my life.”
His eyes flashed.
I kept talking.
“But when you two have that moment, he’ll tell you what’s been going on the last seven months. What he won’t tell you is what it meant to me because he can’t know. So, if I can manage the herculean feat of sharing all Shy meant to me in the last seven months in the two minutes I have before he returns, I’ll do that.”
He said nothing, just stared at me intently so I kept going.
“Yes, he helped me get over Jason, and he did it in a just-friends way that was no pressure. Until certain things I’ll let him share happened, he had my back every single day since I let him back in after Jason died. My loss was too fresh, I wouldn’t allow myself to consider having the same emotions for another man so soon after losing the one I intended to spend the rest of my life with, so I denied that was growing between us.”
I hesitated a moment for effect then went on.
“That said, from the very first night I let him back in, I knew what had started growing between us.”
This got another flash but I ignored it and continued speaking.
“But I didn’t deny the fact that I knew, when I was with Shy or even talking to him, I felt more me than I’d felt in years, after Jason died, before Jason died, before I even met Jason. So I can assure you I am not with Shy now as gratitude for his kindness. I’m also not with him because I’m lonely. Further, I’m not with him to test the waters of putting myself out there again.”
I sucked in a breath, held his eyes and laid it out.
For him and for me.
“I’m with him because when I’m with him, I’m free to be me. I’m with him because he’s hot. I’m with him because he lets me blather, since I’m prone to blathering, and he lets me rant when I have a bad day. I’m with him because when I rant, he makes me feel better and he does this effortlessly. I’m with him because I live for the times when I’m on the back of his bike and we’re riding together, not even talking, just being free.”
I shook my hands in front of me and kept giving Landon the honesty.
“Crap went down between us that’s my fault because I was messed up, confused, acting stupid and frankly immature, and Shy got understandably angry at me. We were apart for a month and I was lost. Totally. Lost in a way I wasn’t even lost when I lost Jason. Now we’re back together and I’m found. If I’m misinterpreting things and that all spells ‘rebound’ to you, my apologies. It doesn’t to me. For the first time in a long, long time, I’m happy. I’m also happy to take the time to prove to you I’m willing to do my part to see we go the distance. I just hope you won’t mess with it in the meantime, because you yourself said you noticed your brother is happy too, he is in a way I’ve never seen, and it would be nice if you wouldn’t f**k that up.”