“Maybe.”
“Well, I don’t have any answers. I’m leaning toward no.”
Kelly sighed loudly. “I still want you to do it again. Does that matter?”
Nick’s chest fluttered. He had to fight for enough breath to answer. “You mean does it matter in the grand scheme of things?”
“I mean does it matter to you?”
Nick caught his breath, afraid to break the silence as they stared across the dim inches. He had spent years trying to avoid thinking of his closest friends in a sexual way. It had been especially difficult with Kelly at first, because they were both touchy-feely people. Eventually, years of camaraderie had whitewashed the physical nature of their friendship, but that one f**king kiss had taken down those mental barriers in a heartbeat. Did it matter to him that Kelly might be struggling with his sexual identity after all these years? Yes. Did it matter to him that Kelly had chosen him to try to help him answer those questions? Yes.
Did it matter to him that he wanted nothing more than to grab Kelly’s face and kiss him again until neither of them could breathe, that he wanted to feel Kelly’s body against his now, that his mind had gone into overdrive and couldn’t seem to stop spinning the moment Kelly’s fingers had grasped at his T-shirt? Did it matter that Kelly was saying he wanted the same thing? “It does matter to me.”
“Will you give me more?” Kelly whispered.
Nick let out his pent-up breath and closed his eyes, shaking his head. Something akin to terror streaked through him, followed swiftly by lust. Giving Kelly more would mean ramifications neither of them could deal with. It would mean altering the state of their friendship, risking it, and for what?
“I’m not under the influence anymore. Much. Even if I was, I’ve done things way worse than you that I’ve never regretted.”
Nick barked a laugh, and they both began to chuckle. Suddenly the tension was gone again and it was just the Devil Doc in bed with him once more. Kelly reached across the space between them and brushed his fingers over Nick’s knuckles. A scar on the back of Nick’s hand still displayed the tiny railroad tracks where Kelly had stitched a gash in the field. He ran his fingers across it. There were half a dozen other places on Nick’s body that he’d stitched up over the years. Nick knew his hands well. He’d never seen them as anything but healing hands, though, not until the moment Kelly’s fingers had clutched at his shirt and pulled him closer as they’d kissed.
“Do you want to?” Kelly asked.
“Yes, but . . .” Nick splayed his fingers, and Kelly’s twined with them, grasping his hand. Kelly gave his fingers a tug and Nick slid across the inches between them. Their lips met, and once again it stole Nick’s breath from his lungs, sped his heart until his ears buzzed, flushed his body with ice and fire. Kelly pulled his hand loose and grabbed Nick’s elbow, pulling at it until he was able to get his hand under the sleeve and against Nick’s skin.
“How’s this work?” Kelly gasped. His lips moved against Nick’s, and Nick groaned.
“It doesn’t work at all. You can’t even roll over by yourself.”
He reached around Kelly and pushed at the pillows he’d been so careful to arrange, then he wrapped his arm around him and dragged him close enough to press against him. They’d shared a bed hundreds of times, and more often than not they’d woken up cuddling. Kelly somehow always managed to end up the big spoon. Maybe they could keep this within the realm of something they understood. Maybe.
“You saying you can’t handle that?” Kelly needled, grinning.
Nick could see that grin in the moonlight, had seen that grin a thousand times before. Now, though, he wanted to wipe it away with another kiss. Jesus, if they didn’t do something about this now, it was going to linger.
He pushed Kelly flat, then reached across him and flipped the lamp on so he could see Kelly’s face more clearly. Kelly groaned as his erection rubbed against Nick’s thigh. The teasing smile disappeared.
“God, that feels weird,” Kelly huffed.
“Say the word and I’ll stop,” Nick grunted, although he was silently praying Kelly would do no such thing. He would never be able to look at Kelly’s hands the same way again, but at least this way they might get it out of their systems.
Kelly shifted his shoulders, staring at Nick with wide eyes. Nick had him pinned to the mattress. One of Kelly’s hands had found its way all the way under Nick’s shirt to drag down the giant eagle, globe, and anchor tattoo on Nick’s shoulder, and he’d thrown one foot over Nick’s calf as their legs tangled together. They were both hard.
“It feels good,” Kelly finally whispered, sounding surprised. “Will it hurt?”
“I’m not going to f**k you, Kels.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re hurt and I get rough.”
Kelly swallowed hard, his breath quickening. “How rough?”
Nick cocked his head and smiled slowly.
“That’s kind of hot.”
Nick stretched out over him and kissed him, careful not to rest his full weight on him, eliciting a louder groan from Kelly. He shifted until he could feel Kelly’s erection against his through his boxers.
“Jesus, Nick,” Kelly gasped, finally dropping the humor in his voice. He pushed at Nick’s shirt. “Lose some of this.”
Nick shoved up and tugged at his shirt with his free hand, yanking it over his head and throwing it aside. Kelly ran his hand up Nick’s chest, fingers barely grazing, tentative. He was an odd mixture of bold and uncertain. Nick didn’t know why that turned him on, but it did. He’d never been with anyone for their first time. He’d certainly never been with a friend. Oh God, this was probably a bad idea. But something about it felt like a great idea as Kelly met his eyes, and Nick couldn’t deny him anything in that moment.
“Go ahead,” Nick grunted.
Kelly laughed again, his body relaxing even more. He dragged his fingers along the muscles of Nick’s abdomen, never taking his eyes off Nick’s. Nick fought to regulate his breathing, but it was getting difficult. He gasped when Kelly’s hand dipped under the elastic of his boxers, and he lowered himself to nip at Kelly’s lips.
“Seriously, how rough are you?” Kelly asked, his voice husky.
“When you get healed up, maybe I’ll show you.”
Kelly’s breaths came harder and faster. “Can you show me a little?”