I stared at Jamie’s unmoving form for a long moment. Ian was just as motionless. He couldn’t have been having a panic attack, too, though. Was he thinking of some way to extricate himself from the situation?
“Lights out,” Jeb bellowed from across the room. “Everybody shut yer trap so I can get some shut-eye.”
People laughed, but took him seriously as always. One by one, the four lamps were dimmed until the room was black.
Ian’s hand found mine; it was warm. Did he notice how cold and sweaty my skin was?
He sank to his knees on the mattress, tugging me gently along. I followed and lay down on the seam between the beds. He kept my hand.
“Is this okay?” Ian whispered. There were other hushed conversations going on around us, made indistinct by the rush of the sulfur spring.
“Yes, thank you,” I answered.
Jamie rolled over, shaking the mattress and knocking into me. “Oops, sorry, Wanda,” he murmured, and then I heard him yawn.
Automatically, I shifted out of his way. Ian was closer than I’d thought. I gasped quietly when I ran into him, then tried to give him some room. His arm was suddenly around me, holding me to his body.
It was the strangest feeling; having Ian’s arm around me in this very nonplatonic way reminded me oddly of my first experience with No Pain. Like I’d been in agony without realizing it, and his touch had taken all the hurt away.
That feeling erased my shyness. I rolled so that I was facing him, and he tightened his arm around me.
“Is this okay?” I whispered, repeating his question.
He kissed my forehead. “Better than okay.”
We were silent for a few minutes. Most of the other conversations had died out.
He bent down so that his lips were at my ear and whispered, quieter than before, “Wanda, do you think… ?” He fell silent.
“Yes?”
“Well, it looks like I have a room all to myself now. That’s not right.”
“No. There’s not enough space for you to be alone.”
“I don’t want to be alone. But…”
Why wouldn’t he ask? “But what?”
“Have you had enough time to sort things out yet? I don’t want to rush you. I know it’s confusing… with Jared…”
It took me a moment to process what he was saying, but then I giggled quietly. Melanie wasn’t much given to giggling, but Pet had been, and her body betrayed me at this most inopportune moment.
“What?” he demanded.
“I was giving you time to sort things out,” I explained in a whisper. “I didn’t want to rush you—because I know it’s confusing. With Melanie.”
He jumped just a little in surprise. “You thought… ? But Melanie isn’t you. I was never confused.”
I was smiling in the dark now. “And Jared isn’t you.”
His voice was tighter when he answered. “But he’s still Jared. And you love him.”
Ian was jealous again? I shouldn’t have been pleased by negative emotions, but I had to admit this was encouraging.
“Jared is my past, another life. You are my present.”
He was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was rough with emotion. “And your future, if you want that.”
“Yes, please.”
And then he kissed me in the most unplatonic way possible under the crowded circumstances, and I was thrilled to remember that I’d been smart enough to lie about my age.
The rains would end, and when they did, Ian and I would be together, partners in the truest sense. This was a promise and an obligation I had never had in all my lives. Thinking of it made me feel joyful and anxious and shy and desperately impatient all at the same time—made me feel human.
After all this had been settled, Ian and I were more inseparable than ever. So when it came time for me to test my new face on the other souls, of course he went with me.
This raid was a relief for me after long weeks of frustration. It was bad enough that my new body was weak and nearly useless in the caves; I couldn’t believe it when the others didn’t want to let me use my body for the one thing it was perfect for.
Jared had specifically approved of Jamie’s choice because of this guileless, vulnerable face that no one could ever doubt, this delicate build that anyone would be motivated to protect, but even he had a hard time putting his theory into practice. I was sure raiding would be every bit as easy for me now as it had been before, but Jared, Jeb, Ian, and the others—everyone but Jamie and Mel—debated for days, trying to find a way around using me for that. It was ridiculous.
I saw them eyeing Sunny, but she was still unproven, not trusted. On top of that, Sunny had absolutely no intention of setting one foot outside. The very word raid had her cowering in terror. Kyle would not go out with us; Sunny had gone hysterical the one time he’d mentioned it.
In the end, practicality had won out. I was needed.
It was good to be needed.
Supplies had been dwindling; this would be a long, thorough trip. Jared was leading the raid, as usual, so it went without saying that Melanie was included. Aaron and Brandt volunteered, not that we really needed the muscle; they were tired of being cooped up.
We were going far to the north, and I was excited to see the new places—to feel the cold again.
Excitement got a bit out of hand in this body. I was bouncy and hyper the night we drove to the rock slide where the van and the big moving truck were hidden. Ian was laughing at me because I could hardly hold still as we loaded the clothes and sundries we would need into the van. He held my hand, he said, to tether me to the surface of the planet.