Clayton waved her pen and chuckled softly. This was my cue to ask her what she thought was so funny. “What?” I asked.
Now she was shaking her head. “It’s just too obvious.”
“If you’re going somewhere with this, maybe you should share, because you’ve lost me.”
“I’m not the one who’s lost you, Brit,” she said. “Let me put it another way. In your grandmother’s letter, she said that your mother refused the doctor’s help, because she feared they were all, wait, let me get this exactly.” She stopped and shuffled through my file, then pulled out a photocopy of Grandma’s letter. “She ‘thinks the doctors are all out to get her.’ Isn’t that how you feel?”
“Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you,” I muttered.
“I beg your pardon?”
“Nothing, a song lyric. I don’t think you’re trying to poison me or kidnap me so you can plant probes in my brain, which is the kind of stuff my mother believes, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“You’ve missed my point. You’re being too literal. I’m just suggesting the ways in which your nature mirrors your mother’s.”
“You keep saying that. Why don’t you just ask the question you’re hinting at: Am I worried that I’ll go crazy too?”
“To put it bluntly, yes.”
“Are your parents still alive, Dr. Clayton?”
“I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“Humor me. Is your mom alive?” Clayton was at least fifty so I figured there was a good chance she wasn’t.
“My mother is still with us. My father passed on.”
“Of what?”
“Where are you taking this, Brit?”
“Just tell me.”
“He died of heart disease.”
“Are you worried you’ll have a heart attack?”
“No more than the next person.”
“Well, my mom has a disease, too. That’s what all the doctors told Dad and me. It can be hereditary, but my mom’s mom is fine and so is her sister, so there’s no reason to think I won’t be, too.” It all sounded so logical. I almost believed it myself.
“That’s a very mature way to look at, Brit,” Clayton said. “But I suppose that if I had high cholesterol or chest pains and other signs of heart disease, I might change my tune a bit, show a bit more concern, perhaps even try to take some preventive measures.”
“Preventive measures, like what? Shock therapy?” I was being sarcastic, but judging by the creepy smile on Clayton’s face, I was a little scared that I’d given her an idea.
As it turned out, Clayton did have shock treatment in mind for me, but not the kind with electrodes. A couple days later, she called me in for a special session. When I saw who was sitting with her in her office I almost passed out.
Dad.
I was speechless. What was he doing here? Was this the rescue every girl at Red Rock secretly hoped for? Or had something happened to Mom? Clayton took in my confusion, eating it up like candy. Then, after my discomfort had settled over the room, she deigned to explain.
“As you know, Mr. Hemphill, we don’t usually condone individual visits, but in Brit’s case, I thought we’d make an exception.” She turned to me, wearing her phoniest smile. “Your father has generously agreed to give up a day of his family trip to the Grand Canyon to come see if he can’t galvanize your therapy.”
“You went to the Grand Canyon without me?” Somehow, I felt as betrayed by this as everything else that had happened.
“Yes, honey. It’s beautiful there. I wish you could’ve joined us,” Dad replied. I stared at him. Was he for real? I mean, did he think this was a nice social call?
“As I was saying,” Clayton interrupted. “Your father agreed to come down for the day to help us work on a few issues.” She turned to Dad. “Mr. Hemphill, I think it would help Brit to know exactly how she came to arrive at Red Rock.”
Dad nodded and looked at Clayton, who fixed him in a steady gaze. Then he looked at me. It was almost like he was asking for my help to get Clayton out of the room. And because even when I’m furious with Dad I will do anything for him, I cleared my throat. Then Dad cleared his throat. Clayton got the hint.
“Well then, let me give you two some time alone,” she said.
Dad stepped forward to hug me. His embrace felt hollow. I extricated myself from it as quickly as I could.
“You were going to tell me why I got sent here,” I said, looking squarely at him.
“Your therapists believe you’re under the impression that it was your mother’s idea.”
“My stepmother’s idea,” I corrected.
“Right, yes, well. I should clarify now that while she thought you could use some, well, guidance, the decision to send you to Red Rock was mine.”
“Your idea?” I spat.
Dad blushed. He actually looked embarrassed. “Yes, your mother—I mean your stepmother—she thought you needed some help dealing with your—your anger, but she was actually against you going so far away,” he stammered. “I chose Red Rock. I felt it was the best place for you.”
Maybe I’d suspected this all along, but hearing it from Dad’s mouth was like a knife in the back. I looked at him, a person I had once loved without limit in this world, and I felt a flash of hatred. It was just for a second, but it cooled my temperature to ice.
“So what sold you on Red Rock?” I asked. “The fact that it’s a thousand miles from home? Or was it their warm-and-fuzzy therapeutic approach that appealed to you?”
Not even Dad could miss my sarcasm. He ran his hands through his hair. “Please, sweetheart. We just have a short visit. Let’s try to be civil.”
“Civil? Do you think that’s why Clayton asked you here? For a tea party? She wants you to bring me down a few pegs. Which is how this place operates.”
“Now, honey. I’m sure that’s not true. I know that Dr. Clayton is stern, but she has your best interests at heart.”
It was at that moment that I finally got it: Dad didn’t have a clue. He didn’t have any idea what Red Rock was all about, even though he was standing right in the middle of it and could have seen it for what it was if he’d really wanted to. And maybe more importantly, he didn’t have the slightest notion why he’d sent me here. There were so many things I understood that Dad was working diligently to ignore.
“How long are you going to keep doing that?” I asked quietly. “How long are you going to bury your head in the sand?”
Dad looked up at me, as surprised as I was, I guess, by the venom in my voice. “What are you talking about now?” he asked wearily.
I wanted to grab him, to shake him, to wake him up, but I held myself still. “Do you even know why you sent me here? Can you tell me that?” I demanded. Dad stared at me now with the same lost look I recognized from girls in CT.
“Let me enlighten you. You sent me away because you were too powerless to do anything about Mom. So you’re trying to compensate with me. You sent me away because you’re scared I’m going to…..”
Dad looked stricken. “I’m scared you’re going to what?” he asked.
But I couldn’t say it out loud. That would make it real. And hearing Dad confirm it, that would have been more than I could take. Besides, Dad was suddenly looking so ashen that I was scared he was going to pass out or have a heart attack or something. Just like that, my moment of clear-eyed hatred passed, and I was back in a dreary room with my sad sack of a guilt-ridden dad. I felt tears spring to my eyes, but before they had a chance to escape, I left the office. As I sprinted down the hallway, passing a satisfied-looking Clayton standing just outside the door, I wondered when it was that Dad had become one of the people I had to hide my true self from.
Chapter 21
Dad had finally shown up, he’d admitted that sending me away was his decision, and Clayton seemed hell-bent on convincing me I was a loon: I’d never needed a Sisters meeting so badly in my life. But I didn’t even know how to begin to make that happen. The only person who did was locked up.
I was still mad at V. And I still felt guilty. Every day she stayed stuck on Level Two weighed on me. But even with all my conflicting feelings, I missed her. I needed her plainspoken solace now more than ever.
Two days after Dad’s visit, I was feeling so riled up that I decided to infiltrate iso and talk to V. On my way to breakfast, I fell in with a large group of Level Three girls, and when they turned toward the cafeteria, I veered off to the wing where the iso rooms were. The halls were empty, and my heart was pounding. I felt like I was being watched from every direction.
At the end of the iso corridor, I spotted two Level Six guards chatting outside what I figured was V’s door. I crouched down, trying to psych myself forward. But I couldn’t get my legs to work. It wasn’t just getting caught or bitched out by the Sixers that scared me. It was facing V. I didn’t even know where things stood between us, and besides, she had this way of zeroing in on stuff I didn’t want to talk about. Ironically, she was a lot like Clayton that way.
So I chickened out and made my way back to the cafeteria, feeling like a miserable loser. By the time I arrived, most of the girls were getting ready to leave. I spotted Cassie and Laurel together, and Bebe, walking two paces in front of her guard, Hilary, who was carrying both of their trays. That almost made me laugh, and almost made me run up to Bebe, but I couldn’t help remembering the time she’d said Dad didn’t really want to see me. Even though he’d just visited, Bebe’s proclamation seemed truer than ever, and I didn’t relish having her rub my face in it. Just when I thought I was totally alone—salvation. I saw Martha. This was a rarity. Martha was hardly ever around these days.
“Oh my God, am I glad to see you, Martha,” I said.
She swiveled to face me. She looked exhausted, her face pale, her eyes droopy. “Oh, hey Brit,” she said wearily.
“Are you going to school now? I’ve got to talk to you.”
Martha shook her head. “Can’t. I have to go on another one of Sheriff’s lame overnight hikes,” she said. She was practically in tears.
“Do you have five minutes? I’m desperate.”
“I wish,” she said mournfully. “I’m already in trouble because I overslept. They’re waiting for me. I get back tomorrow around lunchtime. I’ll find you then.” She gave me a helpless shrug and was gone.
The next day, I eagerly looked for Martha in the cafeteria at lunch. She wasn’t there. She didn’t show up for dinner, either, or for breakfast the next day. I looked for her in school. Not there. She wasn’t on the quarry, either. I checked to see if she was in iso or in the infirmary or had been switched to the other class. But she was MIA. I asked Bebe, Cass, and Laurel if they’d seen her, but they hadn’t. I was getting so worried that I sought out Tiffany after group therapy.