I had to leave. Not now, but after she recovered. I did this, I have to clean it up. I won't leave her here, broken, without help.
I've had it! Alice stood up. "Renée, I'm sorry, I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."
So soon? Renée stared at me. But he's not good company. "I understand, dear. See you tomorrow."
Surely it had to be miserable being around me, but if they understood my frustrations, my ever growing war that was raging inside me, then they would leave me alone. I argued with myself as the evening hours progressed, afraid my less noble side would win the argument. To add to my ever growing torments, the silence emitting from Bella was torturing me. Night after night I watched over her, and she spoke, tossed, turned, and murmured some more. Not last night...and not tonight.
The mystery that surrounded Bella continued to make my curiosity flare. The lure of her unprotected and unconsciously spoken thoughts were making me sick with regret. I should have stayed away and then tonight would have been like any other night when I went to visit her. I missed her murmurs, her spoken dreams and fears.
The only sound from Bella was her light breathing, which had a little rattle from her bruised ribs and her steady heart beat. I shook my head in disgust at what I had done to her. Though she was bruised and tubes and wiring seemed to be coming from her every orifice, she was still beautiful. Her dark hair was tangled wildly around her pale face.
As the night progressed into the early morning hours, Renée never kicked me out. Instead she slept resolutely with Bella's hand in hers. Jealousy raged inside me at her touch. I wanted it to be me holding her hand, lying with her, comforting her. It was foolishness to think that we belonged together, even though I could never imagine myself without her, or with anyone else. She deserved happiness and love with whomever she chose, yet she chose me...the cold inhuman creature that almost brought her to her death.
Could a dead frozen heart break? I felt like mine was.
In an instant, a memory flooded my troubled mind, making my mind teeter in yet another direction. That first evening I became the peeping tom...Bella, she was dreaming of me, mumbling my name.
"Stay," she sighed. "Don't go. Please...don't go."
That was the night she changed me, the rare and permanent thing that you could never give back. It was love, and no matter how many years pass, hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, I would forever love this one girl.
I gazed at her unconscious face, reminding myself of the love that had settled into every portion of my stone body that night. If I loved her though, then I was strong enough to leave her because that is what would be best. Loving her would not keep me from killing her, if I let myself make mistakes, like I did this week, she could be killed. Though, it would not be intentional, only a horrible accident. Obviously, I am capable of making mistakes. In only an half hour of speaking with her for the first time I slipped up twice.
Deliberately, I took in a deep breath, letting her scent rip through me like wildfire. With each breath, I let it remind myself of the monster that was living deep inside me. Though he was gone, missing right now, I knew he was still there, sending waves of fire through my throat.
Renée was sleeping soundly now, dreaming about a horseback riding class she had that was a little bizarre. Still, I continued to count the seconds as the sun rose over the mountainous horizon. I closed the vertical blinds so my skin wouldn't sparkle. Again, I felt my contacts disintegrate and had to replace them. In the bathroom, my eyes still were bright red with Bella's blood. Another reminder of the damage I inflicted upon her by being with her.
I felt my pocket vibrate and reached in to grab my phone. It was nine in the morning. It had now almost been two days of a still, unmoving beauty lying in this bed, comatose. I read the message.
Bella will awake at 913. Thought I'd give you the heads up so you could wake Renée so she could get her breakfast. It will give you time to be alone with Bella.
A great relief spread over me at this news. The seconds I would no longer have to count because she would be awake, talking to me. Purposefully, I dropped my phone, the sound vibrated off the walls in the tiny room. Renée jumped to her feet.
"What's going on? Where's Grace?" she mumbled, her face bewildered.
I had to suppress a laugh. "Grace?" I asked.
"Dream," she muttered. That horse scares the living fire out of me!
Again, my giddy state was hard to control. My lips twitched on the edges at the thought of her waking.
"They are serving breakfast," I offered.
Oh course, he wants time alone with her. "Yes, breakfast sounds nice."
Renée left with one last glance over her shoulder before shutting the door.
Curling up onto Bella's bed, I held her hand while watching the clock. The seconds were going by slower. The last minute before her awakening seemed to take twice...no three times as long. Each second that ticked by had my thoughts scattering in every direction. Now that I knew she would be awake soon, the thought of leaving her was inconceivable. I would always love this fragile human girl for the rest of my limitless existence. I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portion of my cold steel body. If I wasn't strong enough to leave her maybe I was strong enough to construct a new future.
She moaned while her eyes fluttered.
Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
27. Deadlock
Warm, sweeping, glorious, relief, the most powerful emotion that had hit me in days, more forceful than my anger, my agony...my pain, rushed over me. This emotion was so full of an alleviation and ease that all of the anguish and distress was leaving my body as I saw the emotions in Bella's eyes again. At the sight, I realized that I never truly appreciated her beauty. My eyes looked up as I silently prayed to whatever entity that kept her alive, letting them know how devoutly thankful I truly am. Looking back at her, the deep depths, the windows to her soul, continued to move in quick irregular motions as she reached up to pull the oxygen tube from her nose.