What she felt was a little like discovery and a little like deja vu and a little like waking up and suddenly realizing it's Christmas. Or like being a kid lost in a strange place, cold and bewildered, and then suddenly hearing your mother's voice. But it really wasn't like any of those things; it was more.
Unexpected welcome... strange recognition... the shock of belonging...
She couldn't quite put it all together, because there was nothing like it in her experience. She'd never heard of anything like this. But she had the feeling that when David kissed her, she'd figure it all out and it would be the revelation of her life.
It was going to happen-now. He was moving clser to her, not fast, but as if slowly compelled by something he couldn't control. Gillian had to look down, but she didn't move back or turn her face away.
He was close enough now that she could hear his breath and feel him. Her eyes shut of their own accord.
She waited to feel the touch of warmth on her lips...
And then something in her mind stirred. A tiny whisper, so far back that she could barely hear it, and she couldn't tell where it came from.
Tanya.
The shock went through Gillian like ice on bare skin. Part of her tried to ignore it, but she was already pulling away, putting a hand up, turning to stare at the window.
Not out the window. It was too steamed up now to see anything outside. They were in their own cocoon of whiteness.
Gillian said, "I can't. I mean, not like this. I mean-it isn't fair, because you already-and you haven't ... I mean... Tanya."
"I know." David sounded as if he'd been hit with ice on bare skin, or as if he'd come up from deep water and was looking around dazedly. "I mean, you're right. I don't know what I was...
It just-it was like I forgot... Look, I'm sure that sounds stupid. You don't believe me."
"I do believe you." At least he sounded as incoherent as she did. He wouldn't think she was a total fool;
her facade wasn't broken.
"I'm not that kind of guy. I mean, it looks like I am, right here, it looks exactly like I am. But I'm not. I mean I never-I'm not like Bruce Faber. I don't do that. I made a promise to Tanya and ..."
Oh, God, Gillian thought. And then a sort of inward scream: (Help!)
(I was wondering when you'd remember me.)
(He made her a promise!)
(I'm sure he did. They've been going together a while.)
(But that's terrible!)
(No, it's admirable. What a guy. Now say you've got to get to school.)
(I can't. I can't think. How are we going to-)
(School first.)
Dully, Gillian said, "I guess we'd better get moving."
"Yeah." There was a pause, and then David put the car in gear.
They drove in silence, and Gillian sank deeper and deeper into depression. She'd thought it would be so easy-just show David her new self and everything would fall into place. But it wasn't like that. He couldn't just dump Tanya.
(Don't worry about it, kid. I have a cunning plan.)
(But what?)
(I'll tell you when it's time.)
(Angel-are you mad at me? Because I forgot about you?)
(Of course not. I'm here to arrange things so you can forget me.)
(Then-because I forgot about Tanya for a while? I don't want to do anything that's wrong...)
(I'm not mad! Heads up. You're there.)
Gillian couldn't push away the feeling that he was mad, though. Or at least surprised. As if something unexpected had happened.
But she didn't have time to dwell on it. She had to get out of David's car and gather herself and face the high school.
"I guess-I'll see you later," David said as she reached for the door handle. His voice made it a question.
"Yeah. Later," Gillian said. She didn't have the energy for anything more. She glanced back- once-to see him staring at the steering wheel.
She could see people staring at her as she walked to the school building. It was a new sensation and it gave her a spasm of anxiety.
Were they laughing at her? Did she look silly, was she walking wrong somehow?
(Just breathe and walk.) Angel's voice sounded amused. (Breathe-walk-head up-breathe...)
Gillian somehow got through halls and up stairs to her U.S. history class without meeting another student's eyes once.
There, arriving just as the bell rang, she realized she had a problem. Her history textbook, along with all her notes, was floating somewhere down toward West Virginia.
With relief, she caught Amy's eye and headed toward the back of the classroom.
"Can I share your book? My whole backpack went in the creek." She was a little afraid Amy might be miffed or jealous at the way she'd run off with David, but Amy didn't seem to be either. She seemed more-awed-as if Gillian were some force like a tornado that you might fear, but that you couldn't get mad at.
"Sure." Amy waited until Gillian had scooted her desk closer, then whispered, "How come it took you
so long to get to school? What were you and David doing?"
Gillian rummaged for a pen. "How do you know we weren't picking up Tanya?"
"Because Tanya was here at school looking for David."
Gillian's heart flip-flopped. She pretended to be very interested in history.
But she gradually noticed that some of the other students were looking at her. Especially the boys. It was the sort of look she'd never imagined getting from a boy.
But these were all juniors, and none of them was in the really popular clique. All that would change in Gillian's next class, biology. Half a dozen of the most popular kids would be there. David would be there-and Tanya.
Gillian felt, with a sudden chill, that she might not really care anymore. What did it matter what other people thought of her if she couldn't have David? But she had a fundamental faith in Angel. Somehow things had to work out-if she just stayed calm and played her part.