Collin leaned back onto his desk, looking at the shaggy carpet. "I don't have a soul Ivy. It’s not what you're sensing." His eyes lingered on the carpet, as he tried to hide his shame and failed.
Why wouldn't he look at me? What made him feel like that? It was bad enough he smelled like a delicacy and I felt like I was starving. What else would have that scent - the intoxicating smell of a human soul? What else would make a new Valefar react like this? It had to be a soul, but he didn't have one. So what did I smell?
"Oh God." My throat constricted as I uttered the words. Pulse pounding in my ears, I felt sick. The blood drained from my face, as ice slid into my stomach. I'd risen slowly, and stepped away from him, horrified. I knew exactly what it was. My cheeks pinched as my vision blurred with tears. I wanted to run, to run away from him and never look back. Instead my voice rasped, "That's what it is, isn't it? The remnants of your victims. How could you?" Shaking, I swallowed hard not wanting him to say what I already knew. The scent that lingered on him was the residual essence of those he’d killed, clinging to his flesh. I sucked my lips into my mouth biting down, swallowing bile before it could escape.
There was remorse in his voice, “Ivy, it’s not what you think. Please listen. I don't want to be what I am. I wouldn’t have done it, but to live, we have to feed. I had to. I had no choice.” Collin touched my arm, shocking me out of my horror. I didn’t hear him approach. His face was grief-stricken. “I thought that you knew. I don’t torture people for fun—they’re food. A body cannot live without a soul. It has to have something to animate it, and give it life. Valefar have no soul, so we steal others to survive. I had to.” His hand was still on my arm when I felt him reach for my mind, trying to comfort me.
Repulsed, I shot away from him. Selfishness consumed me, and it wasn't the deaths of innocent people that horrified me, and it wasn't that Collin killed them - it was that I wanted them for myself. They smelled like heaven and I felt starved. Is this what it was like to be a Valefar? Shannon didn't have any clue when she told me how horrifying it would be. I couldn't control my own flesh. Desires were warring within me to do things that were despicable. Unforgivable.
The scent swirled off of Collin making me crazy. My mouth wouldn't stop watering, and I swallowed again feeling queasy. I looked at him, realizing that Collin did not appear as tense as he usually was. "How can you stand it? How can you live like this?" I wrapped my arms around my middle, and pulled tight to repress the horrors stirring in my stomach.
"I've had a long time to adapt.” His face was serious, and tension lined his eyes. “Controlling the urges is the best I can hope for. I can go for weeks without feeding, but it's harder for new Valefar, which you are. Only the powerful ones can control themselves." He cleared his throat, looking uncertainly at me. I knew what he wanted to ask, but he wasn't sure if he should. His voice was faint, “Do I smell human to you?”
"Yes. You do. It’s confusing—and unexpected. My lips want to lock onto yours to drink your soul." Taking a deep breath, I clenched my fingers, trying to restrain my body, and refusing to give in to its demands.
"I'm sorry. I know it's hard." After a moment he said, "Imagine how much harder it is to abstain when you smell a real soul, and not shadows of the dead. Ivy, I don't want to be what I am, but I can't help it. And you tempt me like nothing I've ever experienced before. There is something about you." His voice trailed off as he stepped away.
I never understood it before. I thought Valefar were evil—that they reveled in it. But seeing his face, feeling his emotions through the bond and having Valefar blood coursing through me—I finally understood.
"You're a slave..." I fully understood the implications. With my brow pinched tightly, I looked at him. The Valefar possessed my body, and I wanted to turn it off before I did something stupid. I didn't trust myself not to attack Collin, even though I did have a soul to suck out. I would lose my life with a mistake like that. Never mind if a human came near me now. I felt ravenous.
My voice shook as I spoke, “I want to undo this. I'll kill someone if I stay like this. Collin… ” Terrified, I looked into his eyes, realizing that my natural urges would destroy both of us, “How do I undo it?”
Backing into the corner my hands slid behind me, as my back hit the wall. He walked towards me slowly. “Ivy, you don’t have to kill anyone. You don’t have to perform a demon kiss to live. You still have a soul. I can smell it. It’s still there. Your Martis nature is still there. It’s just dormant. Apparently you can’t possess both traits at the same time.” He studied me for a moment, feeling pained that I shared any part of his curse. “You should be able to undo it the same way—by focusing on being a Martis. But Ivy,” his voice was urgent, as his hand reached for mine. He held it softly, “I can teach you how to defend yourself, but only if you stay like this for a little while. I won’t let anyone else near you. I want to protect you. But, I can’t do it any other way. I've tried. I was lucky I got to you in time today. The Valefar will kill you, and if the Martis discover you... Ivy," his words trailed off as his hand slid against my cheek. I couldn’t help but lean into it. There was a desperate plea in his voice, "Please let me show you.”
My heart raced, as his skin touched my flesh. The plea in his voice was too urgent to ignore. And the subdued state of the bond calmed him, although it confused me. Smelling souls like they were a succulent delicacy disturbed me deeply. I knew I couldn't control myself very well, and that scared me.
Collin’s consciousness brushed mine softly, Please, Ivy.
Breathing deeply, I looked him in the eye and made the stupidest decision of my life. “Show me.”
"Ivy," Collin scolded, "concentrate. Otherwise you'll split your skin from your body. You can fix it, but it hurts like hell." He grimaced.
I stared at the ruby ring Collin gave me for my birthday. Apparently Valefar liked to use rubies in their dark magic. As I stared at the blood-red stone, the edges of my vision filled with black mist and my veins burned with a garish intensity. The first time that happened I freaked out, thinking I was setting myself on fire. But Collin told me that meant that I was doing it right. If I wanted to appear next to him, I had to focus so strongly that my demon blood boiled, turning my body to mist. If I continued to think of him and only him, I would reappear next to Collin.
Efanotation hurt like hell if I did it right. I can’t imagine the pain of doing it wrong.
It turns out that I felt like I was on fire, because I was. The heat coursed through my veins as I stared, imagining Collin's face in the ruby stone. I could see his cool blue eyes and long brown lashes as if he were standing in front of me. The ruby was used to hold my focus, insuring that my skin would reappear with my body. Flames engulfed me from inside, licking my stomach as the power manifested within me. I fought to keep my eyes trained on the ruby, picturing nothing but Collin's face.
When I thought I couldn't bear the pain for another second, it ceased and I found myself in Collin's lap, staring up at him. His eyes were as close as I'd imagined. A slow smile crept across his face, as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me tightly. The icy hot shock was replaced with searing heat when he touched me. The intense focusing made it easier to tune out his delicious scent, so his fragrance was fainter.
I breathed deeply, proud of myself for finally getting it right. Doing it half way had been painful, and we'd been at it for hours. "I did it. Did you see? I finally did it!" I smiled at him, half blushing, as I tried to wiggle out of his lap.
His gaze made my stomach twist, as his arms held me in place. His lashes were dark and full. I stared at them to avoid looking at his mouth, not wanting to tempt either of us with things we couldn’t have. "I noticed," he smiled. "That was perfect." His hands were still around my waist when his thoughts started to brush my mind. Soft caresses and lingering fingers occupied most of them. As much as he tried not to think of me like that, he couldn't—not while I was on his lap. He replaced the thoughts as quickly as they came, trying to hide them from me, but he couldn't. The bond wouldn’t let us hide anything.
I leaned back into his arms, as they tightened around me. Surprise flittered through the bond, as Collin pulled me tighter into his chest. I laid against him for a moment, listening to his heartbeat. It sounded totally normal, masking the demon blood within. I breathed slowly, half remembering the last time I felt truly safe.
"Collin," I breathed, "what happened to you?" His body tensed at my words. I turned slightly, looking into his face. "How did you become a Valefar?" I didn't want his mood to come crashing down, but I wanted to know. I had to know.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
There seemed to be some humanity still lurking within him. I just wanted to know who he was, half convinced it was the Collin I saw and adored.
"Ivy, the past is in the past. What's been done can't be changed. We should just leave it." He pushed me off his lap, and walked away, looking at a mahogany bookshelf that extended floor to ceiling. Old books with titles I didn’t recognize lined each shelf.
I walked up behind him, sensing his sadness. "Was it that bad?" I suddenly felt heartless for asking. "Of course it was that bad. I lived through it. So did you. I’m sorry, Collin. I didn’t mean to..."
"I know." He turned to me with that half smile on his face to mask his pain. "It's part of the curse, Ivy. I don't remember much of my past, only the pain of what I lost. And the pain of the conversion." His eyes flicked up to mine. "I felt the pain of your demon kiss through the bond, when I scared you the other night. I didn’t mean to. Your memory of Jake’s attack crossed the bond and reacted with my own nightmare—snapping it back to life."
His eyes gazed over, as his memories flashed through the bond, showing a past I couldn't imagine. Anguish flowed through me, as I saw his village stricken with poverty and illness. The cries of women and wails of men holding lifeless children in their arms flashed through the bond, illuminating the horror in my mind. While he spoke, his memories flooded me. It was like I was there, and the desperation and rawness of his situation plagued me. The pain of my attack was primarily physical, but his wasn’t. I had no idea how much I asked of him until he started to relive the memory.
"I made a foolish mistake.” He looked back at the wall, dragging his finger along dusty book spines. “Everyone was dying. My family. I already lost my parents and sisters. My wife and baby were infected shortly after. The illness invaded the village, killing more than war and famine combined. It didn't matter what we did, there was no way to stop it. It spread from house to house, slowly killing us. I watched my wife fade, as the disease destroyed her.”
He smiled faintly, remembering characteristics he admired about her. She was strong-willed, cunning, and loyal, but the thing that drew him to her was her kindness. Turning to me he said, “She held our son, refusing to leave him when he became ill, and she got it shortly after. I couldn’t blame her for trying to comfort him. I tried everything I knew of. Everyone had. And it didn't matter. Every day was the same - more of us died. The funeral pyre grew larger and larger, burning from dusk until dawn. Very few of us remained, and we did our best to comfort and provide for the sick. But it was hopeless, Ivy.”