“You are not a bad leader, Eden. If there were only success in your life, you would not learn anything. Leadership is experience and you are still young. You still have much to learn about our people and war; it should not come easy to you. If it did, you would be robbed of life's most valuable teacher.” He tilted his head as if to agree with himself and I marveled at the anomaly that was Gabriel: part priest, part therapist, part warrior.
“But I cannot afford to learn at the expense of our people,” I argued, “I cannot continue to fail when there are lives at stake.”
“Do you think you will fail this time?” he asked, his tone never changing.
“I am determined not to,” I replied, avoiding a direct answer. I couldn't allow myself to think the question all the way through, I would fight with my life to save Avalon, but if experience was my best teacher then experience would tell me that I was doomed to fail.
“So, you do think you will fail,” Gabriel mumbled, coming to his own conclusion.
“I don't know.... I don't want to think that, and it's not that I don't believe in us or in our plan. It's just me I think. I can't believe in myself. I have no idea what I'm doing, or what is going on half the time. All I have is this weight, this consuming desire for vengeance for my family; that is all that is pushing me. Sometimes I wonder if it's enough.... Other times I think about my parents and how they were forced to live this life of fear away from everyone they love. Then I think of how Amory's life was taken from him, and Avalon's situation and how unfair it is for him to be imprisoned without magic. I know there is no other choice but to avenge them, but I hate dragging other, innocent people into my fight.” I liked the way Gabriel helped me get to the root of my thoughts and down to the very core of what I had never put into words.
“Then you will fail,” Gabriel stated simply and I looked at him in disbelief. “You are fighting for lies and false truths that you have convinced yourself mean something. None of those things are true, and none of them are worth fighting for.” I continued to stare at him, silently willing him to explain. “Your parents are not away from everyone they love, they are where they are because they have each other and it is that love that keeps them away. And Amory's life was not cut short, he lived a full life, and fought a good fight, but he wished for death. He did not struggle against the opportunity, but walked fearlessly forward into the peaceful beyond. And your brother is not there against his will, he is only alive against his will. He knew what the Resistance would mean for him, what the price was, and he offered his life to the cause. Yes, save him, give him back his magic so that he can fight again, fully restored; but do not feel pity for him. He, as any of us would be, is happy to martyr his life for the pursuit of freedom.”
I sat silently for a few minutes, letting his words rattle my beliefs and ring true in my ears. He was right.
“You can doubt yourself, you can even doubt your cause, but do not let your fears diminish the hope that your people have in you,” he continued, turning his head to look directly at me. His orange eyes flared behind his sunglasses like dime-sized flames dancing against his mahogany skin. “You have called us all to your cause, and demanded that we answer. You, who were raised apart, but born with a spirit that will unite this kingdom, you are the one that leads this kingdom. It is not just our side that listens to you, but when you stand tall in front of the enemy and bravely petition that they answer for their prejudice, you call into question what they believe and you shake them to their core. This kingdom is clueless, satisfied with injustice and fattened by wealth, yet you look even the highest prince in the eye, and challenge his basic instincts and then stay ungratified until they align with yours. This monarchy must be overturned if our people hope to survive, and you are the wind of change that blows through this kingdom demanding that not just a few, not just the outcasts and rebels, but that every Immortal stand up and follow you.”
My mouth dropped open and I sat floored by his words. At best, I assumed Gabriel felt like he was babysitting me most of the time. Now, with the weight of his words, something began to stir inside me, something I couldn't define yet. But, I started to see how my cause, my individual purpose, had to reach beyond the Rebellion. Change needed to exist in more than people that already saw truth; the kingdom itself must think differently, to believe in something more and to demand that Lucan and his family step down. I needed a stronger platform.
“There is something else that you need to know,” Gabriel called me out of my reflection.
“What is that?” I asked, and when I spoke, my voice was hoarse with conviction.
“Lucan will never let your mother go,” Gabriel declared and I realized instantly that he was right. “If she steps foot into that castle or on the side of those walls, she will never leave again.”
“What will he do to her?” I whispered, afraid of the answer.
“What would your prince do to you after centuries of searching for you?” His words hung in the air, threatening me with their dangerous foreboding. “What would he do to Jericho?”
The most chilling thought of all was that I did not know. I did not know what would be my fate or how Kiran would react if this game continued for hundreds of years. And worst of all was what I imagined would happen to Jericho if Kiran got his hands on him at the end. Paralyzed with fear, I thought about how they would treat Jericho in a similar circumstance. I could lay my own fears aside for what fate would await me, but if Jericho were in my father's place, I would not be able to bear it.
“Why did they suggest this? Don't they know how dangerous it is for them?” I demanded, suddenly sick with fear.
“Of course, they know,” Gabriel snapped as if he were angry at how I doubted my parents. “The one man they hate most in this world holds their child; what would you sacrifice to bring your own child home?”
Then I saw the mission clearly. There was no plan of escape for them, they never intended to come home or make it back safely to freedom. They would sacrifice themselves to give Avalon a chance at survival.
I was naive and inexperienced. Whether it was Kiran, or Lucan or even my own parents for what they thought would be the good of their children, people manipulated me and moved me around the chessboard of this war. I was too easily influenced.
I was silent for the rest of the trip. I thought about the task ahead of me and completely through the mission, as if I were seeing it anew, with wiser eyes. I couldn't let my parents victimize themselves; it wasn't going to accomplish anything. Instead of one person to save, there would now be three and instead of a stronger rebellion, two more of its greatest assets would be taken out of the equation. I could even look at our circumstances objectively, without taking into account the love I felt for my parents, and realize their captivity would be a giant step backwards for my cause.
And then, I thought about the diversion tactic in the woods and all of the willing rebellion forces whose lives were being risked. I knew that the majority of them would survive and that they would execute their plan to victory. Not all of them would make it. This mission sacrificed lives and I could not move forward with a plan in which my parents offered themselves as a trade anyway.
Gabriel was right. What if Jericho did not escape? He would be the first one in and the last one to leave, because of his commitment to leadership. Now that I looked through the mission with new eyes, I knew he had no hope of surviving. If he was captured.... If Kiran hurt him....
My mind was inarguably made up. Maybe I suddenly made up my mind because Gabriel's words finally opened my eyes, helping me see things clearly. Or, maybe I was going forward with the decision already in my subconscious, moving with the innate intuition that my life would always be sacrificed for Avalon.
Fate tasked me with protecting my people, and that included my parents, Avalon and Jericho. I was the only one with the power to stop the bloodshed before it started. I was the only one with the opportunity to save everyone I loved.
Kiran was right all along. I was lying to myself for months. But, now that the wheels of the mission had started to turn and with time running out, I was finally ready to accept his offer.
I was finally ready to forfeit myself for the hope of my people.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Gabriel and I said goodbye at the edge of the wilderness just outside of Sighisoara, Romania. A handshake and an intense flare from his orange eyes was all I needed to turn my back on him and courageously walk forward with my individual mission he unknowingly burdened me with.
I didn't bother repressing my magic, I needed it to guide me to the castle and fuel my intention with hot electricity purposed for sacrifice. Afraid, and nervous I walked forward, across the path that Amory and I traversed months before; I continually reminded myself that what I was doing was necessary.
My parents and I determined a meeting time three weeks ago, so I picked up my pace, knowing I would have to be much earlier than them in order to save them. My magic sizzled underneath my skin, rushing wildly with nervous energy and so I let it push me forward as I ran through the wilderness.
I worried that Lucan would send his Titans once they felt my frenetic energy outside their castle and I needed to get to the river before my parents to stop them from breaking into the Citadel. If they arrived at the river and I didn't show, they would assume that both of their children had been taken and their resolve would be strengthened. I needed to leave them a sign. I needed to send them a message to find Jericho and wait for Avalon. And I needed to be long gone before they arrived.
The mountainous forest enclosed me with an eery quietness. The wildlife seemed stilled by my presence and the distant call of birds lessened as I moved deeper into the mountains. The only audible sounds came from my pounding feet, crunching against the woodland floor and my heavy breathing that echoed in my ears.
When I came with Amory, the darkness of the night had hidden the beauty of this part of the Romanian wilderness. But now, while I ran up mountains and inbetween budding trees, I breathed in happily the crisp air and let myself enjoy creation. I knew that these were my last moments before death and it felt suddenly surreal to be among such exquisiteness.
By the time I reached the cave mouth, where the river split in two, I was ready. I swallowed my fears and replaced them with courage.
I was doing what was right. I was doing what was necessary. The Resistance had no chance of success with me as their leader and the rest of my family dead. So, I was not just saving the three lives that I cherished most, but the whole of our people.
I held that truth against my heart, close to the core of my soul so that I would not lose focus or tremble in uncertainty. Whatever happened, my campaign would continue.
The small, two-person rowboat was tied in the same spot that Amory left it months ago and I thought of him with happiness. Gabriel was right; Amory knew exactly what he was doing and he was ready for death.
I could go forward with the same hope, the same peaceful joy. His lifelong goal was to return freedom to his people and he did not breathe his last breath on earth until he felt his cause was in capable hands. I did not realize the truth in his actions until this moment, until I held the rope of a boat he helped me escape in, his granddaughter, his hope of victory for his people.