We were both starting to get quite wrinkly from the water when I brought up the dilemma with the episode.
“Do you think Jimmy will be mad if we don’t air it?” I wondered.
“We’re not airing it, kiddo. You know that. It wouldn’t be right.”
I nodded, feeling a weird mix of disappointment and relief. “And he’ll understand?”
“Definitely,” he answered. When he saw the puzzlement on my brow, he went on, softly, “Your priorities change when you almost lose the person you need. Jimmy will be glad that we’re alive and have both our arms.”
I looked down at the frothy water. “So much for my first gig as a cameraperson.”
“You did great. You’re welcome to the job if you want it.”
I offered him a half-smile. “Don’t tell me you want to take over my position now.”
“Oh it’s your position again is it?” he finished off the rest of the Coke and wiped his mouth. “Well baby, I don’t blame you. You’re much prettier than I am.”
“It’s the boobs,” I said modestly.
His eyes crinkled softly at the corners and I gave him credit for holding my gaze and not glancing downward. A beat passed, then he looked at the gate. “Well, I think I’m going to head back. I’ll fall asleep in here if I stay any longer.”
“OK,” I said. My chest pinched. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted him to stay in the tub with me. I wanted to keep talking to him. I wanted to keep looking at him.
Plus, he had just called me baby again. I needed to hear more of that.
He got up slowly but once out of the tub, he scrambled to wrap himself in the robe and picked up mine, holding it out for me.
It was hard leaving that heat but I got out as quickly as I could. He wrapped the robe around me, picked up the garbage and the glasses and we did a quick jog through the parking lot toward our rooms, steam rising off of our bodies, dissipating in the starry sky.
We burst through his door and I walked toward the adjoining one to my room. Every step I took felt long, felt heavy. I ran a million reasons through my head of why I should stay. I thought of a million things I could say, including “I was wrong.”
But I couldn’t say any of them.
I just didn’t have the words.
I reached for the door knob in slow motion and he called after me.
“Perry?”
I paused. A hope ran through me. I turned to look at him.
I’d never seen him look so…lost.
“Sleep well,” he said in a strained voice. “If you need me, you know where I am.”
The room next door.
I swallowed hard and gave him a grateful nod. Then disappeared into my room, the door slowly closing on his solemn eyes.
~~~
I did not sleep well. I did not sleep at all. It was 2am and I was still tossing and turning on the bed. My mind was racing and it wouldn’t stop. But it wasn’t about the beast. It wasn’t about Mitch or Christina or any of the shit that tried to kill me in the last 24 hours. As fantastical as all of that was, it no longer mattered. It had happened and we made it out alive. It was done.
And so were Dex and I. After everything I had said to him the other day, there was no way we couldn’t be done. The man opened himself up to me for the first time and I was so pig-headed, so stubborn, that I threw it away. He practically gave me his heart and I turned my back on it.
I was hurt. I was so hurt by what he did to me. But now I was just hurting myself. I was starting to wonder if this was even about Dex after all. Was it he that I couldn’t forgive? Or was it myself? For the things I had done to him?
He was right. He had been wrong to hurt me, to treat me the way he did. But he wasn’t alone. I lied to him. Right to his face. Because I was too scared to admit to him that I had been in love with him. I had lied to him, I had messed with his medication and I was acting like I could do no wrong. We were both at fault and I was starting to see the light that I apparently was.
I gripped the corner of my pillow and swallowed back tears of frustration. I had lied because I was scared. I had thrown love away because I was scared. All because I was scared. And I was still scared, no matter how deep I fell into my self-loathing, I knew there was a new chord of terror waiting to emerge. It was the fear of losing myself all over again, of letting go and never getting my soul back. It was the fear of learning to love again and having my heart broken. It was the fear of being a fool.
And it was the same fear that millions of people faced every single day. The fear of loving someone. The fear of being loved. Yet people did it anyway.
So why couldn’t I?
I rolled over and looked up at the ceiling. A pale light from the motel’s awning filtered in through the window. I was alone, lying in bed, feeling like my heart was breaking into a million pieces again, and there was no one to blame but myself. The agony slowly spread from my center out into my bones. It ached. I ached.
But it wasn’t over. It wouldn’t be over until I tried to make it right.
I had a feeling it wasn’t where I lay.
It was in the room next door.
I pulled back my covers and padded my way through the dark over to our adjoining door. My hand hovered above the knob as last minute thoughts of pride ran through my head. I decided to risk being a fool.
I opened the door, then opened the other door.
The bathroom light in Dex’s room was on, bathing it in a slant of low light. I saw his silhouette on the bed turn over and he slowly sat up.
“Perry?” he asked, the sleep clogging up his throat. “Are you all right? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I said softly. “Maybe everything.”
He sat up a bit more and reached over for the bedside lamp but I cried out, “No. Please. Leave the light off.”
He paused then took his arm back. I could feel the bewilderment coming from him, it made the silence heavier as he thought of what to say.
“I just want you to stay there, please,” I told him.
He swallowed hard. “OK.”
I walked over so I was at the foot of his bed. I could see half his body lit in the grainy light. I knew I looked the same. Half of me in light, half of me in dark.
I stood there, staring at him, and slowly gripped the bottom of my t-shirt. I raised my arms above my head and pulled the shirt right off, dropping it to the ground beside me. I was completely topless and though I couldn’t read his face properly I could hear him take in a sharp breath of air.
I tugged at the edge of my underwear and deliberately slipped them off. Once they were at my feet I stepped out of them and crawled onto the bed.
“Oh my God,” Dex whispered as I came closer.
I didn’t let myself feel modest. I just went with it. I wanted to give it all to him.
I crawled very, very slowly, like a big cat, giving Dex time to slide forward under the sheets and lie back.
I stopped when I was hovering somewhere above his waist and with one hand I peeled the cover away from him. He was completely nak*d under there and when I saw just how hard he was, when I felt him pulsing hotly underneath my palm, I made sure he saw my smile.
“Why are you doing this?” he whispered.
“Because I don’t mind being a fool,” I answered slyly. “And I want to make you come so hard, you’ll be begging me to stop.”
I caught the widening of his eyes before I grabbed his c*ck firmly and eased it through my wet lips into my mouth.
His moan was immediate, so I took that as a good sign. I continued for a bit, sliding my mouth up and down his shaft, working my tongue along the ridge, when he gasped and grabbed me up my arms.
“Stop,” he said through his heavy breathing. “You’re always first.”
With raw passion, he flipped me over onto my back, my br**sts jostling as I bobbed on the mattress. He went to town on me, eating me out until I came. I covered my face with the pillow, conscious of being in a motel, when he reached up and ripped the pillow away from my face. He continued and I cried out until I couldn’t take it anymore, his fingers digging into my ass and driving me forward into his face.
Seconds later he was peering down at me, wild lust in his eyes. “I need to hear you. Never hide that from me.”
“Don’t boss me around,” I answered, gathering my strength. I wasn’t done yet. I sat up and pushed him back onto the bed, then I hopped on him, already wet and throbbing. I made sure I rode him until it was obvious he couldn’t hold back anymore. I bit at his neck and earlobes and when he asked me to bite harder, I obliged, pleased at the mix of pain and pleasure I was giving him. He brought his thumb to my cl*t and started rubbing me and didn’t let go until I did.
I leaned back as he filled me up, feeling his cries, feeling everything inside me. I was whimpering, overcome with the feelings that were pouring through me and then the whimpering turned into shaking and I couldn’t hold myself up anymore. I couldn’t do anything but swim along with the current, the warmth that coated my body.
I lay forward, resting my head on his chest, my fingers tracing his tattoo. His heart was beating wildly beneath it, his breath was tired, hot and rushing out of his lungs. I tried to move so that he’d slip out of me, but he placed his arms around me and held me tight.
“Don’t,” he said gruffly. “I want to stay inside you. I don’t know how long I’ll have this.”
I raised my head and looked at him. His gaze was enthralling and I found myself lost in his eyes, lost in my feelings and in his.
“I want to be in you, be a part of you,” he went on, voice growing lower with each word until he was whispering. “Let me be that part.”
I smiled shyly and rubbed down at his chest. I wanted to reach in and soothe his heart. “You are a part of me Dex. You’re every part of me. Always have been. Always will be.”
He studied me with great intent, searching my eyes, searching my soul for signs of the truth. I returned the look. I wanted him to know that I meant every word of it. That and more that I didn’t even know how to express yet.
A smile slowly spread across his lips and I saw that glorious mix of teeth, dimples and crinkly eyes. He didn’t say anything, just smiled and held me tighter. I lay my head back down and he kissed the top of my forehead hard.
“I love you Perry,” he whispered, mouth moving in my hair. “I love you so f**king much. And I’m losing myself. I’m losing myself to you and I don’t care anymore because there’s never been a better feeling in the whole f**king world. I love you. So much. Too much. Always.”
My heart swelled at his words until I thought my ribs weren’t big enough to contain the feeling. I thought it might spill out of me and never come back. So I let Dex hold me as the night went on. His arms stayed wrapped around me, keeping me together, keeping me to him as we slowly succumbed to sleep.
I had never felt so safe.
I had never felt so terrified.