The forced air sliding quickly in and out through his parted mouth sent a new stab of pain through me. I nodded my head and answered, “Yes.”
His eyes were gentle. “Why?”
“It’s hard to explain . . .” That’s why I wanted to show you, I thought. “It’s just that being with you in even the smallest physical way is sometimes hard to bear.”
I looked to the side and began tracing through the ripples of the sheet. “Even the smallest touch is torture, and then anything more”—my eyes widened and I sucked in a large breath—“is like some rare kind of sadistic torture.”
I saw him trying to smother the smile that was forming.
“Listen to you,” he said proudly, as he covered my hand that continued to trace the sheet with his. “You’re explaining this very well, and believe me”—he raised one brow for emphasis—“I know exactly what you’re talking about. The intensity of something as simple as this”—he led my eyes down to where his hand held mine—“is so perfect and ignites a longing that is difficult,”—he chuckled, tilting his head to the side—“if not impossible, to withstand.”
I nodded my head fervently, ruffling the pillow and causing it to swirl his scent into my nose. He’d said everything I’d been trying to . . . with far more eloquence.
“Why . . .” He raised his hand and affectionately cupped my chin while tracing the bottom line of my lips. “If you don’t mind me asking, didn’t you tell me earlier—or show me—how you felt?” he whispered, winking at me. “It’s obviously caused you a great deal of discomfort.”
I didn’t answer immediately. His eyes suddenly widened as he looked at me in disbelief. “Did you think for even one moment I didn’t feel the same?”
“No, that wasn’t it,” I assured him. “It’s just . . .” I stammered, as I gazed into the beauty and paleness of the very reason for my reservations. “You know why, William,” I whispered.
And the reason lay in my eyes as well—the pale blue reason.
“Oh, Bryn—I, more than most, know the laws we Immortals must follow, and the punishment dealt out to those you disobey, and I would—without a moment’s hesitation—go against this most ancient of Immortal codes for the basic right for any kind of being to be with the one they want more than anything, love beyond reason, and would happily give their life for.”
His speech left me wordless, and the pace at which it flowed made it seem as though he’d spent large sums of time contemplating this topic.
“I want you. I love you. I’d give my life for you. If this is truly what you want”—he smiled mischievously—“believe me . . . I want this even more.”
My face flustered, as did every surface inch of my body. While I hadn’t really doubted it, it was still a relief to know William wanted me just as much as I wanted him.
He leaned back down over me and laid one hand on my hip, as if testing the waters to confirm if his assumption was correct. His beautiful face leaned cautiously over mine, and his lips parted faintly as they prepared to cover mine.
I don’t know where the otherworldly strength came from, but I somehow managed to turn my head from his advance. The knowledge of what I’d just turned away from singed my tongue, throat, and lips—leaving an acrid taste behind.
“No.” I had to keep my eyes closed or else my strength would falter. “Please wait.”
I felt the air stir from the rapidity of his retreat, and I cursed myself again when what-could-have-been flashed through my mind.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized, his breathing labored. “I misunderstood.”
“No!” My eyes shot open. “That’s not it.”
He was far enough away that I could allow my eyes to look upon him without giving into temptation. “I can’t imagine you not existing. I couldn’t bear what would happen to you if they found out,”—my voice waivered from the very thought—“and there would be no way to hide it.” My hands grazed over his eyelids, imagining the beautiful sapphire that would replace the present hue if we allowed ourselves the full expression of our love.
“Do you think I could imagine you not existing so much easier than you can me?” he asked, shaking his head. “I would never allow something to harm you, let alone threaten your very existence.”
I looked at him speculatively. What had he just been endorsing when his hands and lips reached for me?
Noting my confusion, he responded, “I have a plan in place, of course.”
“A plan?” I didn’t hide the dubiousness heavy in my voice. What plan would allow what we wanted—without a Council’s blessing of a Unity—without the sudden, severe condemnation that would follow?
He didn’t appear affected by my doubt-filled tone. “If this is what you want, this is what I want, and if this is what you want tonight”—he shrugged, as if the answer was simply obvious—“we run away tomorrow morning.”
“We run away?” I annunciated each word slowly, so I could register longer over what he’d just said.
“But your family, the mission you’ve invested years into . . .” It was too flabbergasting that he was so ready to give up everything he had to be with me.
“My family would understand,” he reassured. “They’re fully aware of my feelings for you and what I would give to be with you, and as for the mission”—his tone turned matter-of-fact—“the reason I took it no longer exists.”
“Why did you take it?” I questioned.
“As an escape from the watchful eyes of my family so I could find you, or, if my father was right”—he set his jaw and paused—“that I would never find you, then I knew the danger of infiltrating John’s Inheritor Alliance would someday result in death, and that would be better than the pain of never being with you.”
He reached his hand toward my arm, hesitating before touching it, and when I didn’t flinch away, he placed his fingers against my skin and brushed them up and down my arm. “It’s better than perfect—if there is such a thing—being here with you . . . loving you and having you love me back. It somehow makes the dreams of you that sustained me all these years seem so inadequate,” he whispered, looking at my arm where his fingers continued to brush. “They didn’t do you any justice to how I imagined you would look, and how this would feel.” A surge of electricity ran from his fingers through my arm, proving his point.
His face turned serious, and his hand tightened around my arm as he leaned his face closer to mine. The stare of his eyes was all-encompassing. “Is this what you want?”
And while there was no enticement or hint of seduction in his tone, I knew exactly what he was asking. I didn’t wait for my mind to object, or my body to course through the checklist of overreactions. My response was out before the air had a chance to cool from his heated question.
“Yes.”
And then his lips found their way back to mine, smothering them with the release of the restraint he’d built to protect us. A moment later, my mouth responded in equal. He sighed when I parted his mouth and touched the tip of my tongue to his. He rolled on top of me, holding his weight so as not to crush me, but I wanted his body crushing against me—I craved it.
The combination of William’s sigh, and his body fully elongated over mine, ignited the controlled fire inside me into an out-of-control inferno. My body burned for his, and I felt his reciprocation. I wrapped my arms around him; one running through his hair, trying to pull him closer, and the other gliding over the undulating smoothness of his back.
His mouth moved from mine to brush over the skin of my neck—I arched it closer, enticing his lips in their journey. I marveled at the passion ignited in him, and I was more in love with him than I’d thought there room for.
My body, mind, and soul were fully consumed and used up by my insatiable desire for him, so I don’t know where the faint glimmer of anguish came from, but as his lips progressed and our passions increased, the glimmer grew until it was casting a definite shadow on my euphoria.
He reached his hand down to caress my thigh, slowly making its timid way up, skimming under the linen of my nightgown. His fingers trembled when they reached my hip, and now—to add to the shocking electricity—was a tingling sensation concentrating over several locations on my body.
When his warm, quaking fingers hooked under the side of the satin material that I’d strategically exchanged for the usual cotton, the ray of anguish exploded and overtook everything with the intensity of an atom bomb.
“No, William.” My voice sounded like a scream in the sanctuary of the silence that held us. “Please stop.”
His hands were off me in an instant, and his body was a flash as he righted himself, coming to a standing position beside the bed, as concern, confusion, and remorse congealed in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I can’t do this right now.” I hoped the lie would not be detected by him, but his erratic breathing and worried pacing seemed to take up most of his concentration. The muscles beneath his skin tightened and defined under the pressure of his expanding lungs, and my body ached to have his next to mine again; but I couldn’t overcome the debilitating vision that had shown itself to me.
That vision being William’s life being taken from him—phased from eternal Immortal to decaying death—and the knowledge that my selfishness and desire had destined this fate. I could not allow this picture singed into my mind to ever become a reality.
I’d seen John and the Council surrounding his body, pulling the life from him without reservation, as his beautiful face became expressionless and lost forever to the clutches of death. There was no pleasure or desire that would ever be worth chancing this nightmare becoming reality. I would protect him at all cost, against all that threatened his existence—including myself.
He continued pacing; his hands on his h*ps and his face pulled into hard lines. He finally spoke, “I fully understand and appreciate you not being ready for this.” His pacing slowed, but his breathing did not. “But you must promise me Bryn, you must swear to me”—he kneeled beside me, commanding me with his eyes—“that you are not doing this because you are afraid of the Council or what they would try to do to me.”
He looked like he was fighting reaching out to me, still not sure if it was appropriate given my latest reaction, so I reached for his hand and pulled it to me.
He continued, “We should be free to live our lives as we choose. If you want me—in any way—we shouldn’t restrain ourselves because of some archaic law.” His fingers wrapped tightly around my hand. “You promise me right now you are not letting this come between us.” He didn’t blink or move while he waited for my response, ready to call my bluff for what it was if he sensed even a hint of deceit in my answer.
I’d not fooled him.