Mel’s larger than life expression falters. It’s gone in a flash. She’s off the stool and next to me, but I don’t want her pity. I can’t stand it when people act like I’m falling apart. It’s already happened. I wish they’d just accept me the way I am, because I’m all f**ked up and no amount of sympathy is going to change that.
“And...”
I’m off the bed, standing, pacing. I move too much when I’m stressed and I have more anxiety than I can manage. “And nothing. Marty picked me up out front.” I don’t tell her the memories that flooded my mind. I don’t tell her about the train station or the walk down those streets. There are no words. Mel cut her family off. Mine was ripped away from me.
The bathroom door opens and Marty walks out. He’s wearing dark jeans with a ripped knee and a form fitting tee shirt the same color as his eyes. His golden hair is tousled, like he just rubbed it with a towel. I stare at him. I wonder if he slept next to me, but I’m afraid to ask, afraid of what’s happening to us.
Mel glares at him. “You knew about this—you knew she went to her old house and didn’t call me?” she snaps at Marty.
Marty is looking at me with those big brown eyes. There’s an unreadable expression on his face. It’s like he just figured out how incredibly messed up I am. “I didn’t realize it was her childhood home.”
She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs. Mel ignores Marty and turns back to me. “So, what are you going to do now? You can’t handle this guy, Avery.”
“I can’t handle this life, Mel. I’m up to my neck in bills.” I round on her. I’m sick of people thinking they know what it’s like to be in my shoes. They don’t. Even Mel has no idea. The muscles in my neck are so tense that my voice sounds strangled. “Do you know what I dream about? Do you know what I see when I close my eyes at night? Water. It’s everywhere and I can’t swim anymore. It’s exhausting. I stop swimming as the sea creeps up my shoulders, and then my neck until the top of my head goes under. Every f**king night, it’s the same dream. I drown in black water.”
Mel is quiet for a moment. “Did going home help? Did you have the dream last night?”
I think about it. I’m not sure. “I didn’t dream anything last night.”
I wonder why. I always have nightmares. Some are worse than others, but it’s a normal part of my life. They started when my parents died and never went away. There are two dreams. In one I’m alone and drowning in an unending ocean. In the other, I’m screaming, telling my parents not to go, but they can’t hear me. It rips my heart out of my chest every time, making all the scars ache like the accident just happened.
I feel Marty’s gaze on the side of my face. I turn and look at him. “What?” I wish he’d say whatever it is that he’s been thinking. I’m too brain dead to figure it out.
He smiles at me and looks away. “Nothing.”
Mel watches the two of us. Her gaze flicks between me and Marty, like she’s trying to figure out a puzzle. She shakes her head and says, “Come on. It’s pancake time. Get this girl some clothes and let’s get going.” Mel claps her hands together and rubs. Marty grabs a pair of sweat pants from his closet and tosses them to me.
I decide to eat first and shower later. Maybe some fresh air and food will clear my head.
CHAPTER 5
I manage to go to a few of my classes, but I’m so tired. When I walk back to the dorm, I’m thinking about Sean. I wish he was here. I wish my life made sense. Nothing is stable. It feels like everything is shifting beneath my feet. Every time I think I figured things out, the world gets tipped on its side again. I can’t stand it. I’m clinging, hanging on but it doesn’t make a difference. It doesn’t matter how much I try, nothing changes for the better.
As I walk through the parking lot, I glance over at my car. Sean is sitting on the hood. His jacket is zipped up to his neck. It’s freezing outside. He slips off the hood and rushes over. I stop and stare at him, like he’s an apparition.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” I say back, still shocked to see him. My mood is so fragile. I know what I need to say, I just don’t want to. “Sean, this isn’t working out—”
“I know. I just wanted to check on you. Last night was…” he lets out a jagged breath and runs his hands through his hair.
“Intense.” The wind blows hard. I fold my arms around my middle and shiver. I still don’t have a winter coat. “There’s no way we can do this, Sean. I’m not allowed to have relationships and I don’t think you really want one. If you did, you wouldn’t be calling Black.”
Sean presses his lips together and looks away. A dusting of dark stubble lines his rosy cheeks. “You’re right. So what now?” He looks up at me from under his lashes. He’s so beautiful and so completely messed up.
I stand there, my mouth hanging open for a moment, just staring at him and basking in the absurdity of the situation. I’m the hooker he can’t get over. He’s beautiful and I’m a train wreck. We’re both beyond repair. Maybe there’s no hope for either of us.
Sean watches me too closely for someone who doesn’t care. His sapphire eyes finally flick up to my face. “Do you want me around? I think that’s the question at the most basic level. I’m not worth keeping. I know that, but I need to hear it from you.”
“Don’t do self-deprecation, Sean.” I look away. There are students walking across the parking lot. Marty and Mel will flip out if they see him here. “Where’s your car?”
Sean jabs his thumb behind him. “I’m on the chrome monster you liked.”
“Let me grab my jacket and helmet so we can go somewhere and talk.” I go to turn away, and then look back at him and add, “If you think it’s worth the bother.”
“You are definitely worth the bother. I’ll wait for you.” Sean looks at me in a way that makes my stomach dip. It feels ominous, like he’s really saying that he’ll wait for me, forever.
I return to the parking lot a few moments later, wearing the gear he gave me with a clingy black sweater. As I zip the jacket, I feel Sean’s eyes slip over me. “Ready.” I throw my leg over the back of the bike and we’re off.
Sean jumps on the Parkway and when we stop, we’re at Sunken Meadow. It’s a state park on the north shore. The beach is rocky, but there’s a boardwalk and a little place to grab a snack. Sean fastens our helmets to the bike. We go to the little snack shop and order coffee. Sean hands me my steaming cup.
We go back outside and stroll down the boardwalk. It’s fairly empty, because it’s too cold for sane people to be strolling along the beach. The air smells like it’s going to snow. It has the sharp crisp scent. I breathe it in deeply.
I finally say, “I have no idea where to start, so I’ll just jump in. The hookers bother me. I don’t understand why you still need that.”
Sean nods and looks straight ahead. The wind ruffles his hair, tossing it every which way. “That’s a good place to start. I don’t like you sleeping with other guys, but it’s something you have to do. It’s how I ended up with you. I wish you’d stop, but I can’t ask you that. I know what it means if you do. I know what you’d be giving up.” Sean glances over at me. “I don’t…” He presses his lips together and starts over. “I need them, the nameless faces, because it’s the only way I can deal with the pain. When it’s too much, I call. I take control back—”
“By hav**g s*x with strangers—”
“By dominating another person. By controlling them so thoroughly that I’m distracted from my life. Fear makes sense to me. They should be afraid of me.” Sean’s eyes glaze over as he speaks. He’s breathing hard, like memories he wants to forget are pounding into him.
I stop walking. Sean slows and looks back at me. “That’s why you can’t do it with me? Because…” I’m not a stranger, because he knows me.
“You’re not afraid of me. I know you and I want to make you happy, not scared.” Sean tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I’m lost in his gaze, in his voice. I hate this. I wish he’d take me in his arms and let the past go. I don’t realize it until the thought fully forms in my mind.
I laugh. “I’m a hypocrite. I was with someone last night and you didn’t even ask me about it.” I groan and rub my face with the heel of my hand.
“You’re not wrong to ask about my, uh, preferences. It says something about me. And I’d like to know what you did, and who you did, but I don’t think I could bear hearing the details. I don’t want to share you and the thought that Thomas has had you twice—” Sean’s fists clench at his sides and he lets out a rush of air. “I can’t even think about it.”
I smile at him. I didn’t notice before, but I see it now. “You’re jealous?”
“Jealous is an understatement. I want you for myself, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’re already hurting so much. You’ve become an enigma, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
We walk over to the railing and look out at the waves. “Then, maybe we shouldn’t do anything.”
Sean is leaning forward on the rail, but when I speak he straightens and turns toward me. “You want to go our separate ways?”
“Maybe,” I say weakly. “We survived apart for a long time. Ever since we met, it feels like everything is spinning out of control.” I laugh bitterly. “I can’t tell you how many times I thought about trying to be what you need, about letting you do whatever you wanted to do to me.” I stare at my fingernails like they’re fascinating.
Sean is still. He’s barely breathing. “You have?”
I nod, then smile like it’s a stupid idea. “We can’t go there, can we? I mean, that place isn’t for us. And it doesn’t matter what I offer you, you’ll still need that control. I don’t see how it would work anyway. Even if I let you do it once or twice and we have sex that way, that’s all you have with me, once or twice. After that, I won’t be as freaked out. I’ll know what you’re going to do and you won’t get your, uh, reprieve.” When I finish talking, I look up at him.
Sean’s lips are parted. He looks so torn. I think he’s going to say something, but he turns back to the railing and leans on it. Sean squeezes his hands together, wringing them tightly. “I can’t believe you thought about doing that for me.”
“I would have, I just don’t see the point. It won’t last, and then what? Then, we’re back here asking the same questions with the same problems. I’ll still be a call girl and you’ll still be ordering my friends to give you what I can’t. It sucks.” I swallow the rest of my coffee and toss the cup in a wastebasket that’s on the other side of Sean.