“I’m not going anywhere, Stanz.” He leans in and presses his lips to my temple. The kiss is so gentle, so uncertain. It makes me melt. There’s a softer side that Sean keeps hidden. The one time I saw it was the first time we were together. Maybe it was an accident, but tonight I’m not asking for accidents. I’m asking for all of him.
Looking down, I lower the zipper on his pants slowly. I slip the clothing off his long, lean legs and toss them across the room. Taking his hands, we both step into the tub. Sean sits down and looks up at me. I hesitate before sitting down across from him, which was not my original plan.
Sean notices. “What’s the matter?”
I smile softly. “Nothing, just tired I guess.”
“You said you wouldn’t lie to me, Smitty.” Sean takes my ankle and pulls my foot to his lap. He rubs little circles on the bottom of my heel.
“I don’t want to say it. It seems greedy and I have enough.”
“Say it.”
“This hardly seems fair. I don’t know every nook and cranny of your mind, but you think I should just let you into mine.” I’m defensive. I don’t want to share everything, not if he isn’t.
Sean grins. “I already know what’s bothering you, I just want to hear you say it.”
I laugh. There’s no way he knows. “Yeah? Then tell me. What do you already know?”
Sean looks up from under dark lashes. His eyes slip over my face and trail down my neck to where my br**sts disappear below the water. When his gaze returns to meet mine, he says, “You don’t want to take it from me. You want me to let you in and make love to you softly and slowly. You want the piece of me that no one has access to. You want me to just let you in and give you everything you want.”
I look away. My heart pounds. Sean read my thoughts perfectly, not missing a thing. It’s what I was thinking, nearly word for word. It scares me—he scares me. I want to sink below the surface of the water and ask him to leave.
Sean tugs my ankle, harder this time. My butt slips and I have to grab the sides of the tub before I go under. The movement makes me forgot for a second and I look at him. He says, “You’re wrong about that, you know. That piece is already gone.”
“No, it’s not.” My voice is a whisper. It feels like I’m sinking and the sea is freezing. I’m drowning again.
“It is. I keep trying to tell you that. It’s a wonder that I don’t turn to ash when you touch me. I’m barely breathing, barely alive. I don’t deserve you, but here you are offering everything. I’d give it to you, Avery, but—”
I don’t want to hear it anymore. Sean doesn’t seem to know. If his heart was gone, completely destroyed the way he thinks, then this wouldn’t bother him at all. It would be boring or an inconvenience, but that’s not it. Intimacy scares him.
I shift in the tub and crawl toward him. Sean stops talking. I place a hand on his shoulder and wrap my legs around his waist before lowering myself onto his lap. Sean’s shoulders are so hard, so tense. His hands find my waist. His touch is gentle.
When I look up into his eyes, I say, “Breathe.”
Sean nods and takes a long slow breath. His chest swells under my fingers. I won’t push him too far, too fast. I know that sitting face to face like this is hard for him. I’m guessing it reminds him of his wife. Maybe it’s something they used to do and I’m conjuring ghosts. I don’t know. I just know that he’s still in there somewhere, and the way Sean’s eyes flicker to life when we’re like this is impossible to miss.
I trail my fingers along his shoulders before taking the soap. I rub it between my palms and press my hand to his shoulders gently. I rub in slow circles, leaving a trail of suds as I move down his body with my hands. When I finish, I give him the soap and he does the same to me, carefully washing me with gentle touches. My eyes close for a second when Sean rubs his hands over my br**sts, under, and around the sides. The touch is good, soft, but firm. I feel him harden beneath me as he does it.
My eyes flick open. Sean is watching me, lips parted, breathing a little too hard. I lean forward and press a kiss to his lips. Sean’s hands slip out of the water and up my back, feeling the curves of my body. I lean forward, moving my h*ps as I kiss him. When I settle on his lap again, he’s hard.
Sean shifts me in his lap so we line up perfectly, and then pushes inside of me. It feels completely different than before, when he had me tied up. That felt frantic, but this makes me feel high, like a happy buzz, but so much more. Sean’s hands move down my back and grip my butt. He rocks me gently making the water slosh in the tub. His eyes are locked on mine. It feels so good and my body wants the release so bad, but I don’t give in to the sensations. Instead, I unwrap myself from him.
Sean seems surprised. “Avery?”
I stand and offer my hand. Sean takes it and stands. Water rolls off his beautiful body in sheets, cascading back into the tub. I take him in my arms and pull him against me. Sean wraps his arms around me and holds on tight. We stand there like that. I’m afraid to let go, but Sean makes it so I don’t have to. He sweeps me up into his arms. “I wish I could save you. It’s not that I don’t want to…”
“I know what you mean.”
Our eyes lock and the world stops. For a moment it seems like everything is fine, that it’ll all work out. Maybe I am naïve, because even thinking something like that is insane.
I tell Sean where to take us. He walks out of the bathroom and to the bed. I’m still damp, so when he sets me down the sheets stick to my skin. I pat the spot next to me. Sean lies down. We’re nose to nose. I thread my fingers in his hair and play with the curls at the nape of his neck.
We’re quiet for a while, then Sean speaks. His voice is so soft, barely there. “You amaze me, Avery Stanz.”
I smile, sleepily. “Likewise, Sean Ferro. It seems that we’re opposites, doesn’t it? I mean, you like things one hundred percent backwards from the way I like them—when it comes to sex anyway.”
He smirks. “It’s probably with other things, too. You didn’t turn to stone. I did. We’re so different—”
“And so alike.”
Sean presses his forehead to mine. “I love you, Avery.” He takes me in his arms, cradling me, and I fall asleep.
When I dream, the sea is still. It doesn’t overcome me or pull me under. There’s a ray of sunshine piercing through the vast gray sky and I finally feel some peace.
CHAPTER 4
Peeling my eyes open, I try to focus. I glance around and feel like someone is watching me. I blink, trying to chase away the sleepiness.
Two blue eyes are locked on mine. “Hey, lover,” Sean says as he strokes the back of his hand along my cheek. Sean looks like he’s been awake for a while.
I smile sleepily at him. “Don’t call me that.” It feels too intimate. I suppose it’s true, in a factual kind of way, but he bought me. It’s not the same.
“Then what should I call you?” His fingers tickle my cheek.
“I really like spray-start car girl. That was my favorite.”
“It’s quite a mouthful to say in bed.” Sean grins. “Something shorter, perhaps? Kitten?” I cringe and make a face. “Sexy?”
“That might stick. Keep working on it.” Sean’s chest is bare. He’s propped up on his side with his elbow. His head rests on his hand. It makes the muscles on his chest look so perfect. I want to touch him, and glide my fingers over each and every dip and hard curve. I want to learn his body, but I hesitate. I don’t want to ruin whatever we have.
Sean notices me staring at his chest. “Some girls would be offended by that.”
My eyes flick up to his face. “What?”
“My eyes are up here,” he kids.
I laugh. “You’re such a—”
“A what? I know you like what you see. I’m just calling it like I see it.”
I give him a weird look. It’s like he channeled Mel. “You’re so—”
“So incredibly captivated by you. Yes, I am.” He smiles warmly at me and resumes tracing the soft curves of my face. First his finger trails over my chin and then up my cheek. It makes my stomach dip. I love his touch. I’ll never get enough of him. “It’s still your turn, by the way.”
“It is?” He nods. “But, I fell asleep and it’s a new day.”
“So, it doesn’t change things. You had more in mind, and I realize that. Today is yours. We do anything you want. Tonight is mine.” Sean leans in and kisses the side of my face gently. It makes me want to squeal. My mind starts to drift though and soon I’m reliving what he did to me last night. I don’t know if I can do that again, and I doubt he wants to do the same thing. “What’s going on in that mind of yours? I know that look. Tell me, Avery.”
I glance over at him and shake my head. “Nothing.” I lie, and I’m a terrible liar. I glance away from him and twirl the sheet between my fingers.
Sean scoots closer to me. He presses his nak*d body to the side of mine. When I look up into his face I can’t breathe. “Tell me, spray-start car girl.”
That makes me laugh. Sean knows how to pull my heartstrings. I wonder if he’s playing me, because he could. It would be easy for him. The way he hones in on what makes me tick, and then manipulates it—he could be my best friend or my worst enemy. It scares me; he scares me. I’m quiet too long.
“A secret for a secret?” he prompts. This surprises me. I glance up at him and can tell he’s serious.
Maybe he is playing me. It’s way too easy for him to fish the thoughts out of my head, but I can’t pass this up and he knows it. “All right. Ask me again.”
“What are you thinking about?”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Glancing down at the sheet in my hands, I say, “Last night when we did things your way—it was nearly beyond me. I mean, I don’t know if I could do that again.” Sean is quiet. I feel his gaze on the side of my face, but he doesn’t say anything. “I wish I could just give you what you want. I would, you know.” I look up at him from under my lashes.
“I know,” he breathes, “But it’s not something to give. It’s something to be taken. I’m not sure you understand what it is or what it means to me that you’d offer yourself that way… that you stayed with me.” Sean reaches for my hand and presses it against his chest. I feel his heart start racing beneath my palm. The longer my hand is there, the faster it races. “This is what you do to me. Can you feel it? You know what that means, right?”
No. I’m not sure. His skin is so warm, so smooth, but the frantic beating of his heart feels wrong. I look into his face and see it. Everything he’s been trying to hide, how much I scare him, how much he wants to run away from me and never come back. But something holds him here. Sean doesn’t want to leave. His heart feels like it’s going to explode under my hand.