Prologue
Death is everywhere. You can’t escape it. You can’t hide from it. And for me, the very minute I decided to embrace it as inevitable, the planes of my universe shifted, leaving me more confused and broken than I’d ever been in my entire life.
For me, death was the ultimate betrayal. For some, it was the easy way out. I had no way of knowing that my life would change so much in two short months. Maybe I wasn’t prepared for him.
I was happy in my darkness, at least that’s what I told myself. Because life is cruel — it’s so damn cruel to give me what I had and then rip it away. It’s cruel, because the minute I was finally okay with being numb to the world — he showed up.
My heart wasn’t ready to be pieced together again. He did it anyway.
My soul wasn’t prepared for heartbreak. He broke it anyway.
My life wasn’t ready to be given to a soul mate. He stole it anyway.
Everything has changed — even death. And all because of a boy, who fell in love with a girl.
I sat down on the cold asphalt and bawled. I cried for me. I cried for him. But most of all, I cried for all those minutes I was allowed to breathe, when I deserved to be without breath. How do you thank someone who saved your life? How do you mourn them at the same time?
I struggled against the cop and then, I must have died, because the very person I thought I lost not a few minutes ago was standing over me.
“Demetri?” I gasped.
Chapter One
Seven weeks previous
Demetri
I sighed for the tenth time, hoping to gain some flicker of sympathy from Nat. But she was immobile. Like a really hot stone that refused to crack.
I nudged her with my foot.
Which made things worse.
I feel like that’s all I do these days. Make things worse and then reap the awesome benefits of being a total and complete screw up.
Maybe it’s because I’m clueless. I’m the guy who chases the girl when clearly she wants someone else.
Damn. I’m the pathetic number two.
“Nat?” If she wasn’t going to give in, at least I could ask her honestly. She was never the type of girl to completely ignore me when I asked her a question.
After my near death experience, where I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes, Nat had been a lot nicer about things between me, her, and my brother.
The ménage a’weird.
“What, Demetri? You’ve only been sighing like some lovesick teenager for the past hour. What do you want?”
Now that I felt completely stupid, I didn’t want to ask her anymore. I knew she’d either tell my brother, Alec, or laugh in my face.
“Promise you won’t tell Alec?”
“He’s my boyfriend. I love him. I tell him everything.”
Crap. “Everything?”
Nat rolled her brown eyes and shook her long blond hair to the side. She had no idea how beautiful she was. Maybe it was a good thing, because she had every right to be a total brat; instead she was convinced she was plain.
“Yes, Demetri, everything. Including the time Mom and I helped you shower after your accident, and you pretended to fall, only to have me fall on top of you.”
Like an idiot, I grinned. I couldn’t help it. “I take it Alec wasn’t amused.”
“You think?” She pushed me and switched the channel.
Wonder of wonders, it was my brother, singing at some awards show.
Nat sighed. “I wish I could’ve gone with him.”
“Nat.” I nudged her with my leg. “You know he wishes you were there too. He’ll be back in a few days to take you to college, so you can both move on with your lives and leave me here in Hell.
Thanks for that, by the way.”
“Hey. Your choice, not mine.” She lifted her hands in the air and sighed. “Besides, aren’t there some really good rehab places in California? We could all be close and —”
I shook my head and managed to interrupt her by waving my hand wildly in the air. “Not gonna happen.”
“Why?” She seemed genuinely upset, which made me want to shoot myself — in a total non-suicidal way, of course.
“You guys need your time away from everything, away from this.” I pointed at myself and managed a tight smile, even when it was killing me inside to even be talking about that again.
Last year Nat had fallen for both me and my brother. I, being the genuine ass that I was, knew she had the hots for him but jumped in and tried to steal her anyway. I still wasn’t dealing with some past shit that had nearly ruined my life. I blamed Alec for it, and for once I just wanted the girl first, so I could rub his face in it.
Eventually it blew up in my face.
Literally blew up in my face in the form of a killer car accident that I just barely managed to escape with all my limbs intact.
After all that, it was apparent that while Nat loved me, it wasn’t the type of love you sell your soul for, or die over. Nope, it was more like the kind you feel for your hot cousin or maybe your grandmother. You love them. You hope they do well in life, and yeah, they may be good-looking (just to be clear, we’re talking about the cousin here, not the grandma), but that’s as far as it goes.
The love she felt for Alec?
Well, it was the Twilight kind. Sorry, but it’s the only comparison I could think of on the spot, especially considering Nat made me read all the books. It was the I will literally stop breathing if I can’t have you type of love.
A love I’ve only experienced once in my life. A love like that doesn’t happen twice. It’s impossible.
“Nat?”
“What?” She seemed irritated with me. So what else was new?
I turned around and sat back down. “Do you think?” Oh man, I really needed to find a substitute for all the alcohol and pot, because right now all I wanted to do was go get high or drunk or jump off a cliff. Ever since I quit partying, I felt like a complete and total girl. Commercials about dogs made me teary-eyed, and last week when I saw an old man cross the street with his little wife and watched him pat her hand, I grinned like a fool and whistled the entire way home. Demetri Daniels does not whistle.
“Spit it out, Demetri.”
“Fine,” I grumbled and looked away from her. I couldn’t look at her if I had to ask this. “Do you think that true love, the type you have with Alec, do you think it could happen twice in a lifetime?”
Nat flipped off the TV.
Aw, crap. She only did that when she needed to concentrate.
“Demetri, if this is about us…”
“No! Hell, no!” Nat scowled. “No, not like that. I don’t mean it like that. What I meant was it’s not about us. I know how it sounds. Sorry. I just… I don’t know. What I guess I’m asking is, do you think I could be lucky enough to have that pull that you have with Alec again in my lifetime?”
“Why wouldn’t you be able to?”
I looked at her. I mean, really looked at her. Damn, the girl was too adorable. Was she serious? “Nat, I’m a recovering druggie and alcoholic at nineteen. I almost died. Because I’m a rock star, I have one true friend — two if you count my brother. And, oh right, I’m stuck in Seaside, Oregon, for the next year while you go off and have the time of your life in L.A. Add that in with all the intense psychotherapy I’m in from two years ago when my girlfriend not only cheated on me with my brother, but died in a tragic car accident with their son, and yeah… I guess I’m being a little pessimistic. Perhaps a bit depressing, but come on, Nat! Shit, look at me!”
Nat’s lip began to tremble.
Crap. I made her cry.
Alec was going to have me by the balls.
“Nat, I didn’t mean…” I reached out to touch her arm.
She shook her head; a single tear ran down her cheek.
“Demetri, I’m so sorry!”
I hated it when Nat cried. It made my chest hurt, and I knew Alec would be pissed that I was the one that caused it. I had always caused it. Feeling like a total ass, I pulled her into my arms and shushed her. “Nat, you know I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I guess I just want to know there’s more out there for me, you know?
More to look forward to than a life full of twelve steps and empty fame.”
Nat sniffled and pulled back. “Do you really think that poorly of yourself? That it would be impossible for someone to fall in love with you?”
I shook my head. “It’s not that easy, Nat. Everyone loves me.”
She punched me and laughed as she wiped a few tears away.
“Nat.” I groaned. “It’s true, and you know it. But who’s ever going to see me for me and fall in love with me? The real me.” I wanted to smack myself. Why was it so important that I find what Nat and Alec had anyway? My heart clenched a bit in my chest. I tried to ignore the pain. I mean, it could be heartburn or something, right? It just sucked, and honestly, after all the paparazzi stopped stalking my every waking move, and after Alec left for L.A… I was kind of, lonely. Shit. I was a freaking girl.
Nat was silent. She bit her lip, sniffling still. “Demetri, nobody’s going to fall in love with you.”
My heart pounded loudly in my chest as the truth of her words hit home. I opened my mouth to speak, but she kept talking.
“Not until you learn to love yourself. Not until you learn to forgive. You can’t ask someone to love you when you still don’t even love yourself.”
Natalee Murray, ladies and gentleman. Wisest woman in the world. “You sure you’re only eighteen?”
“Going on ninety,” she joked and punched me in the arm.
“Seriously, Demetri. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s good you’re staying back here this summer. I think it will be good for you to just lay low. Besides, Mom said that you still had some things to work through with her rehab program.”
Nat’s mom was one of the best addiction counselors on the west coast. How fortunate for me that she lived in the most boring place in the world. Also known as the taffy capital of the universe.
I groaned. “I’m going to be bored out of my mind.”
“You have Bob!” she said enthusiastically, pointing at my security guard and, sadly, one of my only friends if you didn’t count Nat or Alec. And again, the loneliness reared its ugly head.
“He’s bald and watches American Idol to fill the void that killing too many people has put in his life.”
“Heard that,” Bob mumbled from the corner.
“Wasn’t whispering!” I shouted.
Bob cleared his throat.
“Sorry, Bob,” we said in unison.
Ever since the accident, the media had been relentless, so Bob was the only relationship I was in. Sadly, I looked forward to seeing his ugly mug every day. Of course, it may have to do with the fact that he made coffee every morning.
One would think that after the accident things would have died down. Instead, not a day went by that I didn’t see some new story about myself on the news. That’s always fun, seeing ugly pictures of myself with headlines above them saying I’m on drugs.
It’s a real self-esteem booster. I groaned into my hands.