Nixon didn’t do things like that. I did things like that. The feeling in the pit of my stomach didn’t dissipate.
Trace moaned next to me. She moaned his name, not mine, and the knife went deeper into my heart.
“Sleep, Trace. It’s okay, you’re safe.” I tucked the blanket around her body and sighed when she turned to me and wrapped her arms around my stomach, thinking I was him. And for the first time in my life, I wished I was.
* * *
I awoke to a loud banging on my door. The clock on the desk said seven a.m. Who the hell would be waking us up this early? And how did they get in? Tex knew not to pound on my door that early and Nixon—well, I guess he could be pissed.
Sighing, I swung my feet from the bed to the floor to stand when the door burst open.
“Dad?” I rubbed my eyes. “What the hell are you doing here?” Normally my dad was good about texting or calling before he stopped by, so as not get shot on the spot. We never took any chances—even with family. Which meant only one thing. Something was wrong. Maybe Nixon let him in? I shook my head to clear all the thoughts swarming around.
His eyes fell to Trace and then back to me. She was starting to wake up, but no way was I letting my dad see that she was barely wearing any clothes. I pushed her down and covered her further with the blanket. “Nixon?”
“No.” I swallowed the emotion in my throat. “It’s Chase.
“Dad, can’t you see I’m a little busy?” Irritated, I glared at him and then pointed back at Trace.
“This could not wait.” His eyes looked tired. Bags hung beneath his lashes and the lines around his mouth seemed more pronounced. He’d always been a good-looking man, but right now he just looked old.
“What is it?”
He kept looking at Trace. Why the hell was he looking at her? She was covered in blankets, for crying out loud! I sighed. “I don’t have all day.”
“It’s Nixon.”
I could feel air in the room tense around me. It was one of those moments where it literally felt like time stood still. I watched my dad flinch as I looked down at Trace and then back up into his eyes. Please God, I didn’t mean it. Please let him be okay. I finally found my voice and asked with a croak, “What about him?”
“He’s dead.”
Chapter Thirty-two
Chase
“How we treat the dead says an awful lot about how we live. For the strong and able to serve the helpless dead…” I choked on the word “dead,” and my hands shook as I continued reading, “to honor the frail remains…” My eyes fell to Trace, her body was slumped against Tex, her eyes hollow, as if her soul had gone to the afterlife right along with Nixon. “… Reaches deep inside us to something basic to humanity—Paul Gregory Alms.”
Early afternoon light danced around the Holy Name Cathedral, almost as if mocking the darkness around everyone. There was standing room only. In the two days it took for us to plan the funeral, never once did it occur to me that it would be such a public affair. Families traveled from Sicily to offer their condolences. And people I hadn’t seen in years were coming up to me and shaking my hand, as if that made it better. A damn handshake? To bring back my best friend? Hell no.
Mo had wanted me to give the eulogy. I didn’t deserve the honor—hell, I didn’t even deserve to be in the same room as Nixon’s casket. I’d tried to go through the motions, making decisions for Mo, but I was dying inside right along with her.
“Nixon was my best friend.” I licked my lips. “He was one of the good ones. The type of guy you never wanted to piss off but, at the same time, wanted on your team. Everything he did was for others. ‘Selfish’ was never a word in his vocabulary. I think, if we take anything away from his unnecessary death, it’s that he lived life to the fullest, but he lived it for others.” My eyes locked with Trace’s. Tears poured in rapid succession down her cheeks. “He lived for those he loved, he died protecting what was most precious to him. And for that, he earns a place in heaven, because when it came down to the very end, he was willing to sacrifice everything for family—for blood. I don’t know how long I’ll be on this earth, but my prayer is that I go out just like that—fighting for the only true thing in our existence.”
I folded the paper and stuffed it back into my pocket. Taking the steps two at a time, I made my way to Trace’s side and sat. She gripped my hand so hard I winced. I hadn’t left her side since we received the news a few days ago, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to leave her side now.
The rest of the funeral was depressing as hell. I watched as the priest said a final prayer about not understanding the ways of God, but it was seriously falling on deaf ears.
It was like his mouth was moving but I couldn’t understand the words coming out of it. I tried to stay strong on the outside. I put my arm around Trace and held her close. She was shaking in my arms. I wanted to fix it.
I was so damn pissed at Nixon. How could he go and die on us? With every fiber of my being, I wanted to jump into that damning hole and open the casket. I wanted to shake him, I wanted to hear him yell at me and tell me to do my damn job.
But he was dead.
And I was alive.
Holding his girlfriend.
Mo was inconsolable. She leaned against Tex and refused to even look at the casket. She hadn’t eaten all morning and kept saying that if Nixon had died she would have felt it—apparently it was a twin thing. When one was in danger the other felt the loss.
It took us two hours to convince her he was gone. Even then, she refused to believe us and began screaming his name up and down the halls.
Trace locked herself in the room.
Between the two of them, I was ready to lose my damn mind, not to mention the fact that I’d just lost my cousin and best friend. I was a wreck, ruined, and I wasn’t quite sure I’d ever be the same again.
Apparently Luca had lied to all of us. Nixon had gone over to plead our case, and offered himself up like a lamb to the slaughter.
Mafia lesson number one, don’t do the noble thing. You’ll just end up dead. Nixon wasn’t stupid. He’d known it was a suicide mission, but he went anyway, leaving me to pick up the pieces.
According to my dad, he’d confessed to his own father murdering Trace’s parents and said he sought punishment for all wrongdoings. Luca had said a life for a life, and he’d meant it. He meant to make an example out of Nixon—out of all of us.
One bullet to the head. That was all it took. The sick bastard even did it from behind. Nixon had to know it was coming, though. Anyone with a brain would have. And he’d just stood there… he stood there and did nothing. He took the fall.
The morning of Nixon’s death my dad received a package with a picture of Nixon’s dead body. The ring he used to wear—Nixon’s family ring—was enclosed.
I was in such denial that I didn’t believe it, not until my dad showed me the picture.
When the priest finally stopped talking, we all got up from our seats and slowly followed the crowd outside. The procession to the gravesite was so long that the police had to direct traffic. Trace and I rode in silence the entire way. I didn’t know what to say to make it better—nothing would make it better and that was the problem. A piece of her was missing, buried in the cold, wet ground, and I was left trying to fix a heart that was broken in half.
* * *
Later that evening when we finally returned from the funeral, I ran to the bathroom and lost everything I’d eaten that day. I’d never been so violently ill in my entire life. I was in the bathroom for an hour before Tex finally came in to tell me that Trace needed me.
I found her in the corner of the room rocking back and forth. She was staring at the damn picture. Who had been so careless as to leave it on the counter in the first place?
Guys always have this insane need to fix things. I wanted to pick up her heart and hold it in my hands. I wanted to revive her, but how do you revive someone when your own heart is breaking at the same time?
“Trace?” I knelt down in front of her and pried the picture from her hands. She wasn’t crying, which freaked me out. Shouldn’t she be crying? I mean, I had even cried.
“I don’t understand,” she whispered.
I pulled her onto my lap and held her. “I’d be lying if I said I did, Trace. I have no idea what the hell he was thinking.”
Seriously. What. The. Hell. Was. He. Thinking.
He took her virginity. At least I’m assuming he did, and then he went and got himself killed? Knowing full well that going to see Luca made that a huge possibility.
For once in my life I was so ridiculously pissed at him. Angry that the one guy who’d been a selfless monk for the past few years had done something that rash and stupid.
Which just proved again how desperate he’d been for any piece of Trace to take with him into the afterlife. And if I was completely honest with myself, I would have probably done that and more. And I wouldn’t have regretted a damn thing. Not that I could tell her that.
“What do we do now?” Her voice was so quiet. Shit, she was freaking me out.
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “Go to school, pretend like we aren’t dying a little bit every minute he’s not with us. We live, we move on, and we make him proud.” Geez, I sounded more together than I felt.
She nodded and then a tear slipped down her cheek, followed by more. Her arms went tight around my neck as she sobbed. “Don’t leave me, please don’t leave me. I can’t—Chase, I can’t do it. Please, please, please!”
Her teeth began to chatter as she clung to me for dear life.
I held her so tight it was hard to breathe. “Never, Trace. You hear me? I’m never leaving you. Got it?” I gripped her as hard as I could and crushed my mouth to her cheek. It was impossible for me to show her how important she was to me—how keeping her safe and happy was my number one priority.
“Say it again. P-please say it again.”
I pried her arms from my body and cupped her face with my hands. “I swear to you. I will never leave your side.”
“Okay.” She exhaled a shaky breath. “Okay.”
I have no idea how long we stayed like that, but it was long enough for my legs to fall asleep and for Trace to stop hiccupping.
“Chase?” Tex knocked on the door and let himself in. “We need to take care of something.”
“All right.” I helped Trace up and led her to the door. “Go hang out with Mo. I’ll come get you in a bit, okay?”
I could tell the last thing she wanted me to do was leave; her eyes begged me to stay, but this was the job. Death or no death, we had a job to finish. Finally, she nodded and walked off like a zombie down the hall.
“Hell,” Tex muttered under his breath. “I don’t know how she’s able to even function at this point.”
“Shock,” I muttered. “Not the choice I would have made, Tex.”
“Me either.” His brow furrowed. “But since he’s gone, we need a new boss. There’s some confusion on who’s next in line so while the men discuss and meet, we need to go take care of one final loose end.”