I let go.
She didn’t move, just continued to float. “Just warn me when you let go.”
“Okay.” I laughed. “I’m going to let go, alright?”
She tensed and already began to sink as her body folded in half. I grabbed her before she did sink and pulled her into my arms. “Your first lesson is in fear.”
“Huh?” Her hands were pressed against my chest.
“You were floating on your own for around fifteen seconds before I told you I was going to let go. The minute I said I was going to let go, you braced yourself for sinking — your mind failed, therefore your body failed.”
Kiersten made a face and looked away. “So basically I sabotaged myself.”
“Basically.” I grinned, loving how she was holding her bottom lip hostage between her teeth. “You can’t go into things with the mindset of already failing. Being fearful isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”
“Right.” She clenched her eyes shut and crossed her arms. “I get what you’re saying, I just don’t know how to control it. Every time I see the water or a pool I start to shake. I freak, thinking the same thing’s going to happen to me that happened to my parents. Yes, I know it’s illogical, but the fear is still there.”
“Fear…” I uncrossed her arms and linked my fingers with hers. “Is what makes us feel alive. Fear causes our blood vessels to constrict, and then the amygdala, a tiny almond shaped part of our brain, sends signals to our nervous system. The signal says run or fight.”
“I say run.” Kiersten laughed humorlessly.
“Right.” I tugged her closer to my body. “That’s how we keep ourselves from getting eaten by wild animals We need a fight or flight system in our body. I mean, can you imagine living in a world without fear?”
“We’d all die.”
“Exactly.” I chuckled. “People would be jumping off buildings thinking they could fly, so like I said fear isn’t a bad thing.”
“Wait.” She tried to push against my chest as I pulled her into the deep end with me. “What are you doing? I can’t swim, remember?”
“I know,” I whispered. “But I can.”
“But—”
I ignored her. “Fear can be your ally. You can do something afraid.”
“Do something afraid?”
“Yes.” I swam until my legs burned, holding her up in my arms. “For example, I may be afraid of kissing you or afraid of losing you. I may be afraid that when I close my eyes you won’t be here in my arms anymore, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to hold on to you for dear life. I’m living proof that living afraid — is the way to go. You push forward, you fight the demons, you keep moving. Fear tries to paralyze you, to keep you from moving. It stops success, it stops progress — when you do things afraid, you’re still accomplishing your goals, only you’re doing it knowing that you are truly conquering the Everest in your life. So your parents died.” I flinched. I hadn’t meant to sound so blunt. But I pushed on. “So you could die too.”
Her sharp intake of breath nearly made me release her as she fought against me.
“You could die crossing the street.”
Kiersten still fought me.
“You could choke on that bad ass turkey Melda’s making.”
Tears began to form in her eyes.
“You can let your fears control you, or you can control your fears. Never for one second believe the lie that you don’t have a choice.”
Kiersten shook in my arms, her fingers digging into my biceps like little nails getting pounded into my flesh. “What about you?” she asked in a fear-stricken voice. “What are you afraid of? What’s your biggest fear?”
I should have looked away.
I should have lied.
I should have done a lot of things other than what I did.
“Dying without really living. Leaving this world knowing that the girl who makes me want to live the most — will have to do it without me.”
Her eyes widened. “That’s a bit heavy.”
“Hey, it could be worse. I could be afraid of the water.”
“Ass.” She laughed and slowly started unclenching her hands from my arm.
“Move your legs,” I urged. “Swimming is instinctual, just move them and allow your hands to keep your head afloat.” I showed her how to tread water and then released her body from my grip.
“I’m not sinking!” she yelled and splashed around. “I’m not sinking!” Within two seconds she was plastered against me.
“Okay.” I choked as her arms wrapped around my neck. “But now I’m sinking.”
“Oh.” She pulled back and gripped the side of the pool with her hands. “That was—”
“—a total rush. Holy shit, it’s almost like we’re out here getting high.” My eyes widened in excitement.
“Thank you, Wes.” Damn, but I would never tire from those breathless lips as they said my name. “Thank you for not thinking I’m crazy.”
“Ah, we’re all a bit crazy, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” She sighed. “Especially us.”
“I’m going to kiss you now,” I warned as my mouth collided with hers. Our tongues twisted, and I pulled her back into the water with me, floating backward as her legs wrapped around my waist. My body flared to life as her br**sts pressed against my chest. Groaning in frustration, I reached for the string of her swimsuit, telling myself it was okay to be the guy I used to be, the guy that would screw her brains out without a second thought.
But I hesitated. My hand hovered over the strings as if my fingers had forgotten how to pull loose a girl’s swimsuit with one hand.
“Wes?” My dad called. “You guys out here?”
I cursed and gently pushed Kiersten away, linking my hands with hers as I yelled back. “In the pool.”
He rounded the corner and smiled, understanding washed over his face. “I, uh, hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
“Not at all,” I said too quickly.
“Right.” He chuckled. “Um, I need to talk to you about something, Wes. The school called and—” He looked behind me to Kiersten. “You know, we can talk later. Why don’t you kids get out and grab some hot coffee. I DVR’d the Thanksgiving Day Parade just in case you’d want to watch it.”
“Yes!” Kiersten shouted from behind me. “I haven’t seen the parade in years!”
“Great.” Dad smiled and gave me that knowing look, the one that said you better not screw this up with your bullshit. I smiled back, the smile every son gives to his father when he wants to remind him that he’s a grown man and not a little kid anymore.
“Let’s go.” I grabbed Kiersten’s hand and kissed it. “We can skinny dip later.”
Chapter Thirty-Four
Had I lost my ever loving mind? Wes teaches me to swim, and I basically throw myself at him in his pool. Oh gosh, imagine what’s going to happen when we bungee jump, I’m probably going to try to peel his clothes off as we fall.
Kiersten
I changed and went downstairs to meet Wes, but he hadn't made it down yet. It was already one in the afternoon. Melda had everything set up for dinner at four, which meant we had a few hours to ourselves. I wasn’t kidding when I said I hadn’t watched the parade in years. I’d always watched it with my parents, and once they died it just seemed pointless. In fact, everything had seemed pointless. Weird, how it took stepping outside of my dark, selfish little world to actually see how ridiculous my behavior had been.
Pouting hadn’t brought them back.
Crying didn’t make me feel better.
Hiding in my room hadn’t made the pain go away.
But living — living had been my salvation, just like Wes. He was like my own personal life coach — only I was afraid I was falling too hard and fast to find my way back. I pushed away that thought — we liked each other, that was all that mattered. If I looked too far into the future I would over-think things. After all, I was only eighteen. I didn’t want to get married.
Holy crap! Was I thinking about marriage already?
See? This was why girls needed other girlfriends to reign them in. I momentarily thought about calling Lisa, but that girl was anything but the voice of reason. She’d probably drive me to Vegas if I asked her.
My finger hovered over the phone, just as I gained enough courage to dial Gabe’s number, the phone lit up.
It was him.
“Hey,” I answered. “I was just going to call you.”
I waited on the living room couch for Wes to show up and twirled my hair in my fingers.
“Sure you were,” Gabe said, laughing. “I was just calling to make sure you were still alive. I heard you went for a swim.”
“How?” I gasped. “That was only forty minutes ago.”
“Someone’s boyfriend called to update me on the adventures of Kiersten.” I could practically see Gabe’s smug grin in my mind as he spoke. “And he wanted me to be the first to give you a high five for being brave.”
“Swimming isn’t brave,” I whined. “I feel like a five-year-old.”
“I wore water wings until I was fourteen,” Gabe said dryly. “What you did was brave.”
“Fourteen?” I repeated.
“I had a minor shark phobia.”
“In a pool?”
“We aren’t talking about me.” Gabe changed the subject. “How goes the fairy tale, Cinderella?”
“It goes well.” I sighed happily into the phone. “He’s perfect, I mean, it’s perfect. I feel good. Too good, almost like something bad has to happen or something, you know?”
Gabe grew really quiet.
“Gabe?”
“Yeah, I’m here.” He cursed softly. “Just thinking. Look, I gotta go, but do yourself a favor? Don’t over-think things. Just enjoy having the richest twenty-one-year-old in the world at your beck and call, kiss him goodnight, and savor the moments you guys have together.”
“Huh?”
“You know…” Gabe cleared his throat. “Before school starts again.”
“Oh right, next week, school. I almost forgot, thanks for bringing me some early Christmas cheer.”
“I did work at the mall as an elf once.”
“Pictures?”
“All destroyed in a tragic fire that only ended up burning that one section of my room — odd really.” He laughed. “Now, go have fun, I’ll see you Monday okay?”
“Fine!”
“Oh, and don’t forget, you’re going shopping for a homecoming dress with Lisa. She’ll freak if you forget.”
“Got it.”
Wes walked into the room. I hung up the phone not even realizing I hadn’t said goodbye until it was too late.
“Tattle tale.” I narrowed my eyes as Wes innocently lifted his hands into the air.
“I thought you needed another cheerleader on your team, that’s all.” His face looked a bit sunken. Dark shadows were beginning to show beneath his eyes.