Reaching over, I click on the lamp. There’s a glass of water on the bedside table along with two Tylenol. I grab the pills and toss them to the back of my dry mouth. I swallow against the sting in my aching throat as it draws my attention away from the pain in my heart. The glass drained, I push my legs over the side of the bed, giving my body a second to acclimate to being upright. I’m no longer wearing my jeans and shirt, but I’m in one of Jonah’s t-shirts. I pull the fabric to my nose and breathe in deep, his scent a reprieve to my anguish.
Tying my hair in a low knot, I head out to find Jonah. I freeze in the hallway at the sound of two male voices. Jonah’s voice is as recognizable as my own, but who is the other? I tiptoe closer and make the voice out to be Owen. Veiled in the shadows, I listen in.
“I have too much to lose. I can’t afford to lose everything.”
“Dude, I get that, I do. But just give it some time. You might find a way to figure something out.”
“What other choice do I have? I have to end this.”
“You’re going to hurt her.”
Silence, then, “I know.”
“I don’t like it, Jonah. She’s been through so much already. She’s not going to handle this well. You have to know that.” Silence. “All right, at least do it sooner than later. Like pulling off a Band-Aid, just get it over with.”
“Yeah, I will.”
My heart plummets into an icy black hole. It’s impossible to breathe past the constricting burn in my chest. I bend at the waist, hands on my knees, trying not to pass out. My head pounds with the beat of my racing heart. I pray that the numbing will come and ease the ache, but my body takes no prisoners as my stomach coils in agony. I lean my back against the wall, pressing my fingers to my sternum, as if I could physically push back the pain. The slight sting is on my cheeks from the tears I didn’t know I’d cried. Hearing about the pain of a broken heart doesn’t do justice to feeling the crippling devastation. This is a broken heart.
Of course, he’s leaving me. Why wouldn’t he? Everything he’s worked for his entire life is waiting for him. His career is taking off, the title fight only weeks away. That’s his priority.
The voice in my head reminds me of what I really am. I’m the daughter of a pimp and a hooker bred for a lifestyle of meaningless sex and money. It all makes sense now. My mother never saw me as her child . . . as a child at all. I’m nothing more than a prized animal—a product they can profit from. Who was I to think I could have a future with Jonah? My future is in that world, not his.
“Hey, how long have you been standing here?”
Long enough for you to destroy me. “Oh, um, I don’t know. Not long.” My voice sounds like it’s been trampled by a herd of buffalo.
He cups my face, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. His warm eyes and empathetic smile threaten to burst the floodgates, so I look past him.
“Baby, you’re crying.” He dries my tears with his thumbs.
I shrug and force my mouth into a smile.
“Come on. Let’s get you something to eat.”
He hugs me to his side and guides me into the kitchen. My muscles relax and my pulse slows, comforted by his touch. Apparently my traitorous body isn’t aware that Jonah’s done with us. Leaning down, he kisses tenderly his favorite spot on my neck then pulls back a fraction to my ear.
“I love you.” His warm breath combined with the power of his words make me tremble in his arms.
I finish his declaration with an unspoken, but we can’t be together. “I love you too.”
And I do. That’s why I don’t mention the conversation that I overheard. I know love doesn’t conquer all, that it’s not always enough. I know that Jonah has to look out for himself. He can’t afford to be wrapped up in my life, and part of me is at peace about that. I want him, but more than that, I want him to be happy—to have a life with a woman who can love him the way he deserves to be loved: a woman free from the ugliness of my reality.
“How you feelin’, princess?” Owen asks.
“I’ve been better.”
His dark eyes study mine. “Right. Well, I’m gonna take off.” He steps to me and tugs me from Jonah’s hold for a hug. His arms linger a little too long, making it feel like a long-term good-bye.
He releases me with a final squeeze. I don’t miss the look he gives Jonah or what it communicates. He’s not happy that Jonah’s breaking up with me, but he understands.
The rest of the evening passes like a dream. Only half-conscious most of the time, my mind pounds away at Dominick’s words. Plans to escape my fate form in my head, but they all end in one reality. I can’t protect everyone. And losing anyone I love is a risk I’m not willing to take.
Jonah treats me like I’m made of glass. He feeds me, bathes me, and dresses me for bed. He holds me in the dark, whispering words of comfort while twisting tendrils of my hair around his fingers.
I want to tell him that it’s okay, I understand why he has to let me go, but words fail me. Physically incapable of walking away from him, I choose to take this moment. I wrap myself up in it, absorbing all the love I can from his touch, hoping it will be enough to last me through a lifetime without him.
***
I open my eyes to a new day. The sun bathes the room in yellow, but I refuse to move. For the first time, I don’t feel Jonah behind me as I do every morning. I try not to think about what’s ahead, but live in the moment. And this moment sucks.
Staring at the digital clock on the bedside, I watch the minutes tick by. Sooner or later, I’m going to have to get up and go to work. But leaving Jonah’s bed, knowing it may be the last time I’m here, is a mountain I’m not ready to face. I sigh, long and hard.
“You awake?” His voice comes from my back, but he’s across the room.
I squeeze my eyes shut tight. Do this for him. Don’t make it harder than it has to be.
Rolling over, I see him in the club chair across the room.
“Good morning.” I say, my voice feeling a little stronger than yesterday, but no less scratchy.
“Good morning, beautiful.”
I sit up and notice that his hair is damp from the shower and he’s dressed for the day. “Where are you off to so early?” My heavy heart drops to my stomach like an anvil.
He stands and makes his way to the bed, plopping down beside me with a huff. “I have some things to do today. Just, um, work stuff.”
He’s avoiding my eyes. This is it. He’s breaking up with me.
“Oh, but I thought you had today off?” I want this to be easy for him, and I know I should just nod and let him walk away, but instinct has me clamoring.
“Yeah, well, I got called in for a meeting. With the fight coming up, there’s a lot of publicity stuff.” He pushes his hand through his hair then rubs the back of his neck. “I wanted to know if you could stay with Eve tonight.”
And there it is.
I swallow a whimper that threatens to shoot from my lips. Blood rushes in my ears distorting his words as he makes excuses about training late.
Unshed tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to let on. Make this easy for him. He deserves that much.
“Sure, that won’t be a problem. But really, I can stay at my place.” You won’t be around to protect me anymore.
His expression hardens, making his jaw tick. “Raven, promise me you’ll stay at Eve’s. I can’t sleep knowing you’ll be alone at your place.”
With a nod and a smile, I agree. I have no intention of staying at Eve’s, but if it makes what he’s doing easier, he can believe I am.
Leaning in, he brushes his lips against mine then kisses my neck at his spot. He pulls back to look me in the eyes and I see something there. Regret? Loss?
“I’ll try to call you later.”
Try?
“Okay.”
Standing with purpose, he walks away.
“I love you, Jonah Slade.” My whispered words are said to the door that he closes behind him.
Jonah
“Come on, Blake, answer the door!”
I’ve been knocking on his door for the last ten minutes. I know he’s home because I saw his Jeep parked downstairs.
I bang on the door again. “Blake, open up!”
I hear him fumbling with the lock and the door swings open. Blake is standing in the doorway, wearing nothing but his boxer briefs. His eyes are half shut and his face puffy with sleep and a possible hangover.
“Fuck, man. Where’s the fire?” His voice is rough and laced with irritation.
“I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.”
“What?” He yawns, scratching his chest. “Dude, it’s like six o’clock in the morning.”
“It’s ten o’clock, idiot.”
“Oh, well then, come on in.” He gestures dramatically with his arm, and I push past him into his place.
“What the hell happened to you? You look like shit.”
“You don’t want to know,” he says on a groan.
“You alone?”
He stares at me and his eyebrows drop low. “No. Why?”
“I need what I’m about to say to be kept private.” My eyes dart to the hallway that leads to his room, then back to him. “You mind sending your sleepover guest home?”
“Fuck. Yeah, hold on.”
He disappears down the hall, and I walk to the other end of his living room. Last thing I want is a front row seat to the dismissing of his overnight guest. I watch out the ten-foot-tall window of his modern townhouse and shudder at the show his neighbors must get most nights.
“But, I thought you said you’d make us breakfast,” a female voice whines from the hallway.
“Yeah, you said you’d feed us your sausage,” says another.
Fucking Blake.
“Change of plans, ladies. Maybe next time.”
“Aww.” The disappointed reply sounds in unison.
Blake walks to the door with two girls. One stumbles, trying to slip on her high heel, while the other shoves a wad of lace and silk into her tiny purse. I recognize them immediately as Cage Girls. And I am intimately familiar with both.
“Hey, Jonah.” The tall blonde calls out as she passes me in the living room.
I nod.
The brunette tosses me a wave. “Hi, Jonah.”
“All right, ladies, thanks for last night . . . and this morning.”
He all but shoves them out the door, slamming it behind them.
“Screw you later,” he mumbles.
I shake my head. “You’re a pig.”
“So were you once.” He plops down on the couch, still in his underwear.
“You want to get some f**king clothes on?”
He looks at me like I just asked him to wear a dress. “You want to tell me why you’re beating down my door at the shit crack of dawn?”
Dropping down in the seat across from him, I fill Blake in on my situation. His jaw locks down as I tell him every detail of Raven’s meeting. A whispered curse breaks free when I tell him about how I found her after.
“That motherfucker!” Blake jumps up from the couch to pace the room.