She jerked back. Why? Because it would make it too real. This way, she was able to engage in the fantasy of a secret love affair with her teacher. She was able to deny the reality of their relationship and the fact that he never really wanted her. At least, not full-time. He’d enjoyed taking her off the shelf to play with but always returned her to his holding place. Shame choked her. God, even her friends had seen the truth. And they were right. She’d never opened up to them the way she insisted they did with their own relationships.
She was a hypocrite.
“I’m sorry.” Misery leaked into her voice. “I think I knew if I let you in, it would prove our relationship wasn’t real. And I so wanted it to be real.”
Kate blinked furiously, the wet sheen of tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry you got hurt, sweetie. Out of all the people in the world, you deserve this the least. But from now on, you need to let us in. No more secrets. You also need to learn to ask for help. Hell, Ken and I have put the call out a dozen times, and you always answered. Gen, too. Now it’s your turn, and we want to help.”
Kennedy cleared her throat. “We love you, you idiot. Watching you isolate yourself is killing us. Understood?”
She swallowed and nodded. “Understood.” She paused, trying to find the words to describe why she’d been avoiding her friends. “I’m just so mad,” she whispered. “I mean, really, really mad.”
There was a short moment of silence. “Well, duh,” Kennedy finally said. “The man you loved was screwing someone else. You have every right to be pissed off, A. Why are you so afraid of a little righteous anger?”
Because it didn’t help. Because she’d watched her mother die raging at God and the universe the entire time. Because her dad took that same anger of losing his spouse and spewed it out at himself, until he let himself die just to be with her. Because it wouldn’t bring back the man she loved or change the situation. Instead, she tried to take those messy emotions and transform them. Transcend them into something good so she didn’t destroy herself as her parents and so many people she counseled had done.
But she swallowed the words back and nodded. “You’re right. Maybe I need to get in touch with my angry female side.”
“I have a list of great songs on my iPod to give you,” Kate said with a grin. “Now, what can we do to make sure you don’t work yourself into the ground? Can you get out of any of your jobs for a bit?”
She sighed. “Not really. I can back off on the fund-raiser for a bit, since there are other volunteers who can take the reins. I rented out the firehouse for private yoga classes, but when you’re away, I won’t schedule any.”
“Speaking of anger issues, how about that anger management class?” Kennedy asked. “Sounds like a nightmare to me.”
Arilyn grinned. “Maybe because you can use a class or two yourself?”
“Funny.”
This time she laughed out loud. “Just kidding. No, I have a small group of three this time. It runs for six weeks, for a few hours in the afternoon. I enjoy it, actually. Many of the people have good hearts. They just haven’t learned how to control their emotions.”
“Well, if anyone can keep them in line, you can. Nate and I will give you any extra help you need for the fund-raiser. We’ve been doing so well, there’s no reason we can’t back off on any new matches for a bit. Just until we get our full team back and hire a new assistant.”
She fought her instinct to reject the offer, hating to depend on anyone but herself. Instead, she forced herself to go along. “Agreed.”
“Done. I feel better,” Kate said. Her friends stood up. “Mugs this Friday night?”
Arilyn hesitated. She’d missed the last girls’ night out. “I’m in.”
“I’ll call Gen and check on her schedule,” Kate said.
“I’m good, too,” Kennedy said. She paused at the door. “Oh, just a quick BTW. If anyone contacts either of you regarding my whereabouts last night, can you just confirm we were hanging out at your house, Kate? You were, too, A.”
Arilyn frowned. “What happened? Why do you need an alibi? Why do I?”
Kennedy grinned without a shred of guilt. “I had these rotten eggs in the refrigerator I needed to get rid of. Imagine my surprise when I drove past the house of he who shall not be named? Let’s just say I got rid of them.”
Kate burst out laughing. Arilyn stared at her friend. “You threw eggs at his house? How did you even know where he lived?”
Kennedy wagged a finger at her. “Darling, you underestimate me. We all know where he lives. The stench followed me all the way down the road. It was quite poetic. See you ladies later.”
She sashayed out of the office with Kate following, still laughing.
Arilyn buried her face in her hands, wondering what he thought of the childish gesture. Probably took it with a stoic grimness, admitting his fault. Ready to be punished like some martyr.
Asshat.
The image of moldy, runny eggs all over his neat white stucco house hit her vision. Suddenly, she began to laugh, and a hint of lightness flowed through her body.
Breakfast, and justice, had been served.
Arilyn got back to work. She sifted through the papers on the three clients who were attending anger management. One cited by the court. One from the Verily police station. Another volunteer in an attempt to woo back his spouse.
Time to sift through the background information on each man and draft up a plan. Every personality was different, and she respected how unique reactions came from a wellspring of emotion, usually based in the past. The first two were easy. Road rage was more common now than ever, and probably revolved around a type-A personality with control issues. Eli White. Her mind clicked on various paths in order to give him tools to use on the road and in other social situations.