It’s Loren.
“And why is that?” I ask, slightly crestfallen. Is this headed where I think? Lo and Lily will choose Ryke and Daisy as well. I know I’m not cuddly. I’m cold at first sight. I know the media thinks I don’t love my own child. I’ve said things in my past that condemns me before my actions tell the real truth.
But I’d like to believe that Lily sees how much I love Jane and her son. I’d give him the world as I would my own child. I suppose, secretly, I’ve longed to be the godmother of Lily’s kids. We’ve always been the closest among our sisters, and if Lily left the world with Lo, I’d want the remaining pieces of her as close to me as possible.
I’m not as fun or as daring as Daisy, but I would really, really try to be as compassionate and as loving as Lily—for her.
I stare down at my knife, avoiding everyone’s eyes.
“Kids are stressful,” Lo explains. “Eight sounds like a nightmare. I don’t know if we could do that without…” relapsing, the unspoken word lingers.
“It’s understandable,” Connor says. “Ryke and Daisy were our first choices anyway.”
I glare at the wall. “Ryke, can you tell Connor that this piece of information was unnecessary to share with Loren and Lily?”
Ryke stares past my shoulder. “You fucking got that?” he asks my husband.
Before he can say anything, Lily throws her hands in the air. “We’re not offended. Honestly, I’m glad we’ve made one decision. Two more to go.”
Daisy mock gasps. “Is Coconut on the menu? She could use some godparents. I’m proud to say, she’s not a bed-wetter.” She cups her hands around her mouth and whispers, “But she snores.”
Ryke messes Daisy’s hair with a rough hand, and he murmurs in her ear, the words almost distinguishable as, I love you, sweetheart.
Loren shoots Lily a look. “A dog godparent?”
Lily nods. “We can’t abandon her.”
My stomach knots. Don’t think about Sadie.
Ryke and Daisy quietly discuss their decision for no longer than a few seconds, and then their gazes pin to Loren and Lily. Daisy says, “We want you two to take care of her since you both like dogs more than Connor and Rose.”
This is true.
And still, I’m the one feeling more left out. I should’ve known it’d be this way from the start. I may be more responsible than my sisters, but people want their kids with someone who hugs them, so affectionately, so warmly, that a smile crests their face.
I’m the one who will pick children up from school on time, who will write notecards at midnight so they can cram for a test, who will always remember to pack their lunches and tuck them into bed. I may hound them to brush their teeth. I may even remind them constantly to remove their dirty shoes before they enter the house. But I would champion them. I would fight for them.
I hope this counts.
“Meeting adjourned,” I suddenly say, not wanting to hear them choose Raisy. Yes, it’s hypocritical since we weren’t planning on choosing Lily and Lo. But I can’t change my feelings.
I’m about to open the oven when Loren snaps, “We have a kid too. Or is Jane the special snowflake here?”
I inhale, my chest tight. “Just choose your brother, and let’s be done with this.”
He snorts into a dry, bitter laugh. “Of course you have to make this hard for me.” He shakes his head. “If you end up raising Moffy, I hope he learns how to be tough from you.”
My brows pinch. What? I look to Lily for confirmation. She has a dorky grin on her face, nodding rapidly. “Will you and Connor be Maximoff’s godparents?”
Something wet runs down my cheek. No, no, no. I spin quickly, wiping underneath my traitorous eye. When I look up, I realize I’ve spun towards Connor.
His brow arches at me. I glare at the sight of his wide grin, and I want so badly to mouth, shut up, but I can’t speak to him. Hopefully my eyes convey the message. This better not be considered cheating.
Loren laughs behind me. “Did you just cry, Rose?”
“No, Loren,” I retort, turning back around. “There was dust in my eye.”
“Sure,” he says, a smile attached to his voice. “It was just dust.” He tilts his head at me. “You know you’re a kickass mom, right?”
I think he’s trying to make me cry.
“I’m pretty sure you would rip out your hair for my son too.”
I have to wipe my eyes again. “I would,” I whisper beneath my breath. I would over and over again.
Lily adds, “I know that you’d love Moffy as fiercely as you love Jane.” She wipes her nose that drips with her tears. She sniffs. “And we’d be at peace knowing he’s with you.”
I have to dab my eyes with a paper towel. I say what’s aching to come out. “Thank you.”
I live my life confidently, but motherhood has always been “in progress” for me. After I’ve had Jane, I’ve felt more self-assured, but it belongs in my heart. My growth remains empty in the eyes of others. Except these people, in this kitchen. They see me. And I realize that’s all I needed.
The oven timer beeps, and I glance over my shoulder at Connor. We lock eyes again.
Silence is a cruel punishment between the people you love.
Never again, I think.
I can’t imagine how this is going to work tonight. Ignoring each other. In bed.
Something tells me a pillow barricade won’t restrain my ambitious husband from getting what he wants.
Regardless, I’m no cheater. And the rules still apply.
44
ROSE COBALT
I brush my teeth before bed and do my very best to ignore my husband’s dominant presence. He seems to make a show of stretching slowly across the counter, just to reach for the fucking toothpaste.
It’s unnerving. His height. His unfaltering posture. His sheer ability to vacuum all oxygen by grabbing an object alone. This type of confidence intoxicates the air, and I inhale the poisonous fumes with each shallow breath.
I collect my hair to my right shoulder, holding it back as I spit into the sink and rinse my mouth. I avoid the mirror, his gaze beckoning me to meet him, and I search for my hairbrush. I won’t succumb to him that easily.
He lost.
There are consequences.
“Rose, you’re lying down with your ass perfectly raised,” he says deeply. I try not to tense. Ignore him. “One of my hands is wrapped around your neck.” I sense him nearing me. One step. Two. “I forcefully roll your panties down your ass, down your legs, off your ankles.” His hand rests beside mine on the counter, and I slam the drawer shut. Ignore him, Rose.
“You just collapsed on the bed,” he says.
I did not, I almost retort. I literally bite my tongue.
“I haven’t even slid my erection inside of you yet, but I plan to…” His voice seems to be nearer, like a husky whisper in the pit of my ear. “I plan to fill you so full, Rose. My cock all the way between your legs, right in…right there…” I keep waiting for his hands to touch me, right there. Even when they don’t and I’m left with cold air, I clench. Fuck me.
No, Rose. I ditch the pursuit for my hairbrush that has disappeared at the most inopportune moment. Then I turn my back to Connor. On my exit out of the bathroom, I flick off the lights, shrouding him in darkness, as though he doesn’t exist at all.