I brushed her hair back, traced a path up the curve of her shoulder. “Still afraid?”
She blushed, laughing softly. “Not as scared as I was. Just be careful in the future because I read some really disturbing articles on cervical bruising that have me spooked.”
I chuckled. “Don’t worry, I’ll be careful. But that’s not really what I was asking.”
Her smile fell. “Oh.” She paused for a breath. “Yes, but you make me want to be brave.”
I pulled her into my chest, feeling the pain with every heartbeat. “Cam, there’s only so much I can do. It’s all up to you. All of it. Because I’ve given you all of me. You have to do the rest. It won’t work any other way.”
Her cheek was warm against my skin, her head tucked under my chin. “I know,” she said softly.
I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything, just held her against me, tracing patterns on her arm until she fell asleep. But sleep wouldn’t find me, not when I was consumed with worry over what tomorrow might bring. Not when I wanted the night to last as long as it could. But I thought of her promise, held on to it like it would save me, and only then did I slip away into sleep.
THE CONSTRUCT
Cam
THE MORNING CAME TOO SOON, with the chiming of my alarm that ripped me from Tyler’s arms. It was early — seven in the morning may as well have been four for as tired as I was, the long night coming back to me slowly, emotion by emotion.
Dancing with him. Kissing him. Laughing with him. His body against mine. The promise I’d made.
I sighed, smiling over at him. He lay stretched out in my bed on his stomach, shoulders rising and falling slowly, his cheek pressed against the pillow and arms folded underneath it.
I could have stayed there all day.
He’d asked me last night to let go, and I did. I wanted to be with him more than anything. I wanted his happiness, wanted to see him look at me the way he did last night again and again.
The weekend was going to be forever long without him.
I sighed again as I slipped out of bed and pulled on a T-shirt, making my way into the kitchen to brew coffee. Tyler was off since he was leaving for Nebraska, so I dressed silently, not wanting to wake him. I turned to watch him for a moment longer and smiled, filled again with the sense of being his, of him being mine.
Optimism blossomed in my heart.
It was a little later than I usually woke, so I hurried out of the apartment with coffee in hand and my bag on my shoulder, popping in my earbuds as I headed for the train station. I happily replayed all the highlights from the night before, the feeling of being in his arms as he towed me around the dance floor. His smile. His body. His admissions. He was afraid just as much as I was, but instead of running away, he was running toward me.
But this was it. No more uncertainty for me, not after him begging me to choose. Not after the promise I made. There was no going back — I had to keep myself in check, because I’d used all my extra lives. It was time to put up or shut up.
Once I’d savored the best moments, my mind turned to the other events of the night. Seeing Jessica, what I’d said to her, wondering if anyone at the table had heard me. Nearly tripping and falling into Kyle. Kyle’s cold smile and his words, words that were the voice of every fear I had. Those words echoed in my mind, and as hard as I pushed, as deep as I tried to bury them, they always came back.
And deeper still my thoughts wound, into the basement of my heart, down to Will. Lying in his arms, the promises he made and broke. As long ago it was, the wound had been ripped open, fresh and raw. That mistake had changed me, a mistake I swore I’d never repeat. But I found myself breaking all the rules I’d carefully made to protect me against the very situation in which I’d ended up.
By the time I made it to work, my smile had disappeared, the lightness of my heart gone, weighed down by anxiety. The little voice in my head pointed out every shortcoming, every misstep, undermined everything until it was all caving in on me. That voice told me everything I didn’t want to hear, whispering its evil in my ear.
It’ll never work.
He could never really love me.
He’s lonely. I’m just keeping the bench warm.
But the way he looked at me, the way he touched me …
Maybe that’s just Tyler. It’s not me, it’s just his natural state.
But he told me he wants me.
So did Will.
He’s nothing like Will.
But he makes me feel exactly like Will did.
And that was really the core of it. I’d only felt like this about a man before once — with Will — and he destroyed me. Tyler would be exponentially worse, and I wondered how I would survive it without it obliterating my soul, turned into a nuclear wasteland.
My thoughts circled around and around, a carousel of broken horses to the tune of staggering self-doubt. And by the time I made it to work, my compass was spinning in circles. I barely looked at Rose when I walked into the office, the war in my heart aching, ribs sore.
“Hey,” she said.
I set down my bag, not meeting her eyes. “Hey.”
She was watching me, and I pulled out my laptop, refusing to look at her.
“How’d it go last night?” she asked, though I heard a hundred other questions.
“Fine,” was all I offered.
“Right. I mean, you look totally fine.”
I didn’t say anything, just picked up papers and stacked them up, moving them to a corner of my desk.
“Wow, Cam. That bad?”
My throat tightened, and I swallowed down tears. “No, it wasn’t bad at all. It was perfect. He’s perfect.”