“Maybe that’s a good thing, Cam. You don’t always have to hang on to control. What happens when you let go?”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you fly.”
“Maybe I fall.”
“Sure, but maybe you fly. Isn’t it worth the risk? You’re sabotaging yourself, and you’re doing it by the rules you set up to protect yourself.”
“Maybe.”
“You know,” she said, “I admire you for so much — your brains, your skills, your … I don’t know. Energy. But you’re not always right, and you’re not right about this.” She watched me for a second. “You need to talk to him, but this time you actually need to say something. You need to come clean all the way down to your toes, bare it all.”
Hope sprang in my chest at the thought of telling him, of letting it go. “How’d you get to be so smart?”
“Years of being stupid and learning from it. Will he be home tonight?”
“He’s leaving for Nebraska today.”
She shook her head. “I really think you should talk to him before he leaves.”
“Like, call him? I don’t know if we should do that over the phone.”
“Like, get out of here and go talk to him. You’re no use to me like this anyway. Nobody likes a sad bartender. Grumpy, maybe. But sad? Definitely not. Go home. Talk to him. Tell him why. Make it right before he leaves town for the weekend, or you’ll end up driving yourself crazy.”
“After last night …” I paused. “I promised him I’d let it go, Rose. How can I bring it up again?”
“I don’t know, but I don’t think you can let it go until you tell him every fear you have, every hurt, all of it.”
“Neither do I.”
She sighed. “He’s right — he can only do so much. You’ve got to do the rest.” She sat up a little straighter and leaned on her desk. “All right, I have a new job for you today. First, go by Cake on the way home and get a cupcake. Get two, if the spirit moves you. Second, eat the damn cupcake and think about what you’re going to say. Third, go home and find a way to tell him everything.”
I looked away, staring at nothing in particular. “It’s so simple. I wish I’d told him before, but I just … I don’t know. I never talk about Will. I hate that it happened to me, and I’m ashamed of it, you know? It’s one of those things that you replay over and over again, the thing I can’t let go. My biggest regret. And to tell him about Kyle too? I don’t even know how he’s going to react, on top of the fact that I’m about to break my promise and try to talk to him about my doubts again.”
“But this is the last time. If you take him a cupcake too, it might make things easier for you. Just saying.”
I smiled, though it slipped. “I don’t feel right leaving you solo today.”
She raised a brow. “Would it make you feel better if I promise to call you if I need you?”
“Only if you mean it.”
“My definition of need is maybe different from yours, but I mean it. If I really need you, I’ll call you.”
I drew in a long breath and let it out. “Thanks, Rose.”
Her face was soft, and she stood, pulling me into a hug. “You can do this. I know you can.”
I found confidence, already thinking about how I’d tell him. Dread rolled through me, wondering if he’d be angry that I was still hung up on it, wondering what he’d say.
Just talk to him.
So I’d tell him about Kyle. About Will. I’d tell him about the rules, my hurt, as much as I didn’t want to, as much as it would hurt. And maybe with that admission, I could let it go. It was my last stand, and as I headed to pick up cupcakes, I hoped that it would be enough.
Tyler
I smiled down at my clothes, neatly stacked in piles on my bed next to my duffle bag, feeling happier than I had in a long, long time.
The memory of Cam in my arms was still fresh, the smell of her somehow all over me. I glanced down at her ring, the flash of silver on my pinkie, reminding me of her smile, of her promise. The feeling that the worst was behind us washed over me again, a sweet relief. My soul had had enough angst.
I was happy to move on, hand in hand with her, and I had the fleeting thought of forever.
I smiled wider, brushing the thought away playfully, hoping I was right as I packed my bag, stuffing the gifts for my sisters and mom between the stacks.
The thought of sleeping without Cam for the next few nights wasn’t appealing, and I downright loathed the fact that I was leaving so soon after last night. I replayed it in my mind, as I had been all morning, hitting all the high points. Her smile. Her laugh. Her body. Her words.
After all of that, after bearing my heart to her, it was undeniable. She had to know. She had to believe. And she promised we were moving on.
I heard the front door open, and my brow quirked when I glanced at the clock. I’d been minutes away from leaving, planning on swinging by the bar on my way to surprise her and say goodbye.
Cam appeared in my doorway, looking small, and I smiled, confused.
“Hey,” I said, hands stilling. “What are you doing home?”
She rolled one shoulder in a shrug, a smile on her face with a hint of uncertainty. “Rose gave me the day off.”
“Why?” I asked thickly, still not understanding what was going on.
She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again.
Nerves pricked the back of my neck. “What’s wrong, Cam?”