We looked at each other and shook our heads. “It’s a nice thought,” I added. “Maybe not impossible though. He was smart enough to leave us alone last night.”
“Well, that’s a good sign. You meeting with Darryl tomorrow?”
“After the game for a bit, yeah, and during the game we’ll see each other, since I’ll be on the field. We’re working out on Sunday still, right?”
He nodded, smirking. “It’ll be nice to whip you on the field again.”
I chuckled. “Just like old times.”
He watched me for a moment. “How’ve you been feeling?”
I knew what he meant without any specifics. “Fine, you know. The usual. I love and loathe football season. Easier to watch it on TV, anyway.”
“I’d like to say that gets easier, but I don’t know if that’s true. I can’t imagine the loss, even though I’ve tried a million times. The day you were injured, it changed all of our lives.”
Breathe in. Breathe out. “I know.”
His eyes were full of understanding and pain. “All we’ve ever wanted is your happiness, son.”
“I know that, too.”
He sighed and looked down at his hands. “I know you already know all this, but I’m proud of you for picking up and moving on. You’ve never buckled. You never gave up. You fought and smiled your way through the pain in a way I don’t know I could have done, if it had been me. And I’ve prayed it had been. I’d trade places with you in a second.”
I nodded, unable to speak.
“Are you happy, Tyler? That’s all I need to know.”
“I am, Dad. I’m happy. The past would have swallowed me up, if I’d let it, and I knew that. There’s no point in looking backward. No good can come of wishing for things we can’t have. All I can do is keep going, one foot in front of the other, toward the things I can have. Go after them with all the passion I put into everything I want.”
“I support that, fully and wholly. Is Cam a part of that philosophy?”
I spun my bottle around slowly, eyes on the label. “I’m hurt. She hurt me. But …” I pulled in a shaky breath and let it out.“I think I love her, Dad.” My heart stopped at the words, at the realization as it dawned on me.
He nodded. “I think you do too. And if you love her, you have to go after her.”
And he was right. Cam wanted me, that much I knew for certain. I wasn’t wishing for something I couldn’t have. I could have her, but it wouldn’t be easy.
It wouldn’t be easy, but it would be worth it.
BURN TOGETHER
Cam
I WOKE SLOWLY, SLIPPING OUT of the dream world a little more with every breath. The day was gray and dreary, my room darker than it should have been. Rain pattered against my window, the cold pressing in from outside.
I felt it all the way in my lonely bed.
I’d tossed and turned most of the night, waking to roll over and reach for him, but he was gone.
He’d be gone anyway, I told myself, which was true. But the loneliness wasn’t the same. This loneliness was hopeless and complete.
I lay there for a long time, listening to the rain, the occasional rumble of thunder somewhere off in the distance, wondering what he was doing, if he was thinking about me, missing me the way I missed him.
I felt like I’d made a horrible mistake, sabotaging us like I had. I wondered if it would be better for us in the long run. Maybe hurting him now would save him later. Maybe I’d save myself. Maybe it was the right thing for both of us.
But it felt wrong, so wrong that I didn’t even want to move — the pain was too acute.
I didn’t know what time it was when I crawled out of bed, wrapped in my comforter. I found the rest of the cupcakes in the kitchen and took the box to the couch with me before turning on the TV.
It was college game day, a day I usually spent with Tyler, and I flipped through the games, needing something familiar, hoping it would help. And for a while, it did.
The Iowa game was on — they were playing Nebraska, and I turned off the sound and turned on music, feeling like if I couldn’t hear the chatter of the sportscasters it would make it easier. So I put on Warpaint again and ate cupcakes in the dark apartment, the flicker of the screen nearly the only light to speak of.
My second cupcake was nearly gone, the sugary sweetness barely breaking through my senses, when I saw him.
Tyler stood on the sidelines in Nebraska gear, a red windbreaker and khakis, red cap flipped backward, nodding and smiling as he talked to a couple of players with a clipboard in his hand. He looked happy, strong, his shoulders broad, legs long. But it was his smile that gutted me.
It was only a second. Just a moment of his face, and I was lost again.
Tears welled as I scrambled for the remote and turned off the TV, sitting in the dark, sobbing quietly as the ghostly voice sang to me about what was gone forever.
Right and wrong. Yes and no. Joy and pain.
I’d lost him. I had him, and I lost him because I was afraid.
I wiped my tears, needing to get out of the house. So I clicked on the lamp, pulled myself off the couch and walked into my room. Pulled on rain boots and a coat. Grabbed my keys and walked out the door.
I flipped up the broad hood of my coat and stuffed my hands in my pockets, not sure where I was even going. If it hadn’t been dreary and rainy, I would have walked through the park, but I was glad for the rain, glad for the low hanging clouds that hid the tops of the buildings. I looked up at them, knowing that on the other side, the sun shone, unaffected, as if life really existed up there and not down here. Like I was underwater, and the surface was too far away to reach.