My chin flexed, nose burning as I swallowed. “I don’t know, Rose.”
Rose’s eyes darted behind me, lighting up. I looked back to see Patrick walking in, shaking the rain off his jacket with tattooed fingers as he wiped his boots on the mats. The way they smiled at each other was enough to make my heart flutter for them. I only wished I had someone to look at me that way.
Except you did, and you lost him.
Patrick walked up to the bar and greeted Rose — she leaned over the bar to give him a kiss — and he turned to me, smiling as he sat.
He leaned on the bar. “Rose wanted me to come talk some sense into you.”
I snorted and took a sip of my drink.
“Do you need sense talked into you or is she just being pushy?”
“Hey,” she said, mock pouting as she poured him a drink too.
I shrugged. “Maybe both.”
He nodded and took a drink once she handed it over. “So, you and Tyler got in a fight?”
“Yeah. I started to talk and then … then he just walked out.” I drained my drink and passed it to Rose for a refill, which she provided.
“Does he make you happy?” Patrick’s blue eyes were intense, like he could see right through me.
I blinked, brow quirking at the unexpected question. “Of course he does. He’s the best person I know.”
“And you make him happy.”
I took a sip, slumping as I leaned on the bar. “I think I did, for a minute at least.”
He nodded thoughtfully. “You know, for a long time after I broke up with Rose, I just let her be angry. I let her hate me, thinking I deserved it for leaving her in the first place, and by the time I realized there was a chance for us, it was almost too late. In fact, for a while there, I thought it was too late. But it’s never too late. You’ve got to go after what you want, Cam. If you’ve found love, if you need him and he needs you, then there’s no question. You have to try, not run away because you’re afraid of what it might be, or because you’re afraid of losing him. Don’t make my mistake.”
My eyes welled with tears again. Rose looked satisfied. I, however, felt worse. “So what do I do?”
“Apologize,” Rose said. “Let go of all the reasons why you can’t and focus on why you can. Stop fighting it and just let go. Tyler will take care of your heart. He’d never hurt you. You know that.”
I nodded and sniffed, biting my lip so I wouldn’t cry.
“Feel better?”
“I need a plan. A way to say I’m sorry that doesn’t involve too much talking.”
“Nude apologies are the best for that.” She smiled. “Now drink some more. Did you get cupcakes like I told you?”
I chuckled. “Yeah.”
“Good. That should help. Just try to keep it together until he gets back. Feel all your sad mopey feelings and remember how much you want him. You could always try calling him.”
I shook my head. “He’s so busy this weekend. It’s homecoming and he’s courting a player.”
“Well, he’ll be home Monday, right?”
I nodded again.
“Come in and work tomorrow, if you need something to keep your hands busy. I have a crate of books in the stock room that need to be labeled and shelved,” she joked.
I rolled my eyes. “Sounds like a real party.”
She shrugged, smiling.
I finished my drink, letting it all soak in as Rose and Patrick talked. I had to go after what I wanted, fearlessly, and for the first time, I thought I might be able to.
I filled with tentative hope.
After a little while, I said my goodbyes and thank yous, aching for solitude again. The rain had subsided, though it still drizzled, and I popped my hood again, stuffing my earbuds in, the music crooning in my ears a little too sad all of a sudden . I switched it to my walking music, the playlist full of happier songs, with driving beats that held purpose, and every step, I found, held a little purpose too.
They were right, I thought. Caring about each other had to be enough. I did trust Tyler. He’d never hurt me on purpose. It was the truth I’d been fighting all along, what he’d been painstakingly trying to convince me of.
Being with Tyler had kicked up the dust of my past, bringing the pain of what happened with Will back into my heart when I thought it had been buried. All these years when I thought I’d been fine, strong and protected by rules that had become a cage, but I hadn’t really dealt with it at all. It had always been in the back of my mind, just waiting for the moment it could spring out and ruin something brilliant for me, which it had.
But the truth was simple. The truth was that I was exactly who I was, and that was enough for Tyler, and it was enough for me. The truth was that love had no rules. There was no right or wrong, just as Tyler had said. There was just him and me.
So my apology to Tyler would begin with that admission.
I didn’t want to lose Tyler, but I had. I lost him simply because I didn’t want to lose him.
I laughed out loud on the train, and a few people turned to give me dirty looks, but I didn’t care. Not now that I could see the truth, the path out of the fog and back to his shores.
By the time I reached the apartment, I was cold and wet, but my mind rolled over my thoughts like sweet wine. I was warm from the whiskey, fanning the flame of the flicker of hope in my chest.
I hung my jacket on its peg and kicked off my boots, changed my clothes and settled into the couch with my book, thinking about all the ways I’d apologize to Tyler, all the ways I’d make it right, feeling like it would be a million years until I had the chance. My eyes found my old, battered copy of The Hobbit, and I picked it up. Later, I wouldn’t be able to tell you why, though at the time it called to me.