“Don’t be afraid to hurt my feelings,” I tell her. “I can take it.” That’s why she always holds back—why everyone walks on eggshells around Lily and me. Afraid they’ll fracture us like we’re glass dolls. I’m past that. All the damage has been done. You can’t break something that’s already broken.
“…I didn’t want to use sex like that.” She adds quickly, “Not to say that what you do with Lily is wrong, I just…” She lets out a breath. “Maybe I should try…”
“No, you don’t want to,” Ryke interjects.
“But Lo says—”
“Lo, I’m going to f**king kill you,” Ryke growls at me, his glare murderous. “You don’t have all the f**king answers.”
I raise my hands. “Calm down, Chewbacca, it was just a suggestion.” I nod to Daisy. “He’s right. You obviously don’t want to do it, so don’t do it.”
“Don’t do what?” Lily suddenly plops down on my crotch, straddling my lap. Her hands lie flat on my chest. She puts her face really close to mine and whispers, “Why are you on the floor?” Her cheeks are glowing with this euphoric happiness that causes me to smile almost immediately.
She’s wearing long johns and her white fuzzy Wampa hat, and I’m swept in a flashback: she was seventeen, standing outside my childhood house in those same camping underwear. Just as adorable as she is now.
My nose brushes hers in a feather-light touch, and I hear her breath sharpen. My lips to her ear, I murmur, “I was prepared for you to straddle me.”
She shoves my chest playfully and I laugh, grasping her h*ps so she realizes that I want her right here, not any further away. Not a foot or a yard. She subconsciously digs her pelvis into me, and I swallow a groan as the pressure builds in my cock. I’m used to it.
I’m even used to the red flush that grows from her neck to her forehead. She catches herself mid-grind and freezes. I tug on her Wampa ear-flaps while she notices everyone staring.
“Hi,” she says. “…what’d I interrupt?”
“Nothing,” Daisy says quickly.
“That’s not suspicious,” Connor announces as though he expected better from her. Like she’s a goddamn master of deception. I mean, she hid a lot from us, but she’s not that good.
Lily’s gaze darts from Ryke to Connor to me. “You guys aren’t ganging up on her are you?” She pauses with a sharp inhale. “I mean not like that!”
I wince, suddenly realizing that she took “gang” to a sexual level.
“Lily,” Ryke groans, his hands on his head in distress. He looks how I feel. Connor is still complacent. I wish I could be like that, but my mind needs scrubbed.
“Sorry!” she shouts, covering her eyes. “I thought everyone was thinking it.” She peeks out at me. “You were thinking it, right?”
“Sure,” I lie.
She moans into her hands, catching my dry tone easily.
“Lily, it’s okay,” Daisy says. “No big deal.”
Lily blows out a long breath, and I massage her shoulders. Then a pair of heels clicks across the floorboards. Here we go.
“Is everyone ready?” Rose asks, an envelope between her fingers.
“I thought we were waiting till the afternoon?” I say.
“Everyone’s together right now.” She actually withholds a spiteful retort. And it’s clear how nervous she is, the fear flickering in her yellow-green eyes. Connor must sense it too because he instantly draws her to his chest and grips her waist firmly. Her black dress shows off her baby bump, which is much bigger than Lily’s small one.
It scares me.
I know every girl’s body is different—but sometimes I wonder whether Lily may lose our baby, just in comparison to Rose’s size. And that frightens me even more…that I’d fear losing something that I never wanted to begin with.
These feelings are crazy. I get to experience every f**ked up emotion without a crutch. No Maker’s Mark. No Macallan or Jameson.
I think I’m okay with that. Even when it hurts.
Lily unfurls her crumpled envelope, and my back straightens, leaning against the lower cupboards, Lil still on my lap.
“Are you going first?” Lily asks her sister, craning her neck over her shoulder.
Rose shakes her head, her collarbones protruding as she holds in a breath. “No, you go.” Connor speaks in French, not caring that Ryke can eavesdrop, and Rose replies in a hushed voice.
“Should I get my camera?” Daisy asks with a bright smile. It almost distracts me from the dark circles under her eyes.
“Use your phone,” Lily says, her hands shaking with nerves. “But don’t post anything on Instagram.”
Daisy mock gasps. “I already did.”
“Ha ha,” I say dryly.
Ryke looks like he could f**k her against the cupboards, an expression I don’t like catching from him. And then Daisy struggles to hop on the high counter with one good hand, the other in a cast.
Without hesitation, Ryke easily lifts her up. She swings her legs and holds out her smart phone. Instead of a photo, she begins recording us. Even narrating, “It’s Saturday, February 7th. Lily Calloway is about to find out the sex of her baby. Will it be a boy or a girl? Predictions?” Her phone whips to Ryke.
“Girl,” he deadpans.
“One smile,” Daisy says.
His lips barely rise.
“Pathetic,” I tell him. “You can’t even smile for my future kid.”
“Yeah, Uncle Ryke,” Daisy jokes.
Ryke gives her a hard look. “Don’t say that again.” And then he actually smiles, not a full-blown one with teeth, but it’s good enough. This video recording actually lessens the tension in my muscles.
Lily even perks up with more excitement, her worries fluttering somewhere else. Thanks, Daisy.
“What’s your prediction, Connor and Rose?” She points the camera-phone at the couple by the coffee pot.
Rose stiffens, “Girl.”
“Boy,” Connor says, setting his mug on the counter.
Rose rotates to face him. “You have to disagree with me?”
“I don’t have to.” He pauses to grin. “Though I like to.”
Rose is suddenly quiet, and his hand slips beneath her hair and he kisses her forehead.
Then Daisy whips her phone lens at us. “Lily and Lo, predictions?”
Lily’s green eyes flicker up to mine, and they tumble with so many fears and hesitations that I wish we were alone. In this solitary moment. So I could hold her. Shut out the rest of the world.
Just us.
No more noise.
“A girl,” Lily breathes. It’s not what she wants. It’s what I want, but it’s going to hurt either way.
“Boy,” I whisper.
Her chest collapses, and she shakes her head at me like it won’t be a boy. It may be. Half of me will be happy for Lily. The other half will be scared shitless again. The parts of me that I love the most are the parts that belong to her.
“Hurry up,” Rose says, her voice abnormally high-pitched. I cringe. She’s nothing short of petrified because she’s going next. And no matter how much Rose aggravates me on a daily basis, I’m not a fan of watching her like this
Connor whispers quickly in her ear, and I notice how she rubs her hands anxiously. He clutches one so she stops making her skin raw.