Eight hours, he replies without hesitation. I raise my eyes to his, and he grins, because he knows what Im asking him. The same, he utters quietly. Six years.
I dont know what happens to me, but something changes. Something melts. Something hard or cold or covered in my own personal armor is turning to liquid now that Im realizing what that kiss really meant. I feel like Im nothing but liquid, and liquid doesnt do a good job of standing or walking away, so I dont move.
Are you kidding me? I ask, disbelievingly.
I think hes the one blushing now.
Im so confused. I dont understand how Ive pegged him so wrong or how what hes saying is even possible. Hes good-looking. He has a great job. He definitely knows how to kiss, so why hasnt he been doing it?
Whats your deal, then? I ask him. You have STDs? Its the nurse in me. I have no medical filter.
He laughs. Pretty damn clean, he says. He still doesnt explain himself, though.
If its been six years since you kissed a girl, then why did you kiss me? I was under the impression you didnt even really like me. Youre really hard to read.
He doesnt ask me why Im under the impression that he doesnt like me.
I think if its obvious to me that hes different when hes around me, its been intentional on his part.
Its not that I dont like you, Tate. He sighs heavily and runs his hands through his hair, gripping the back of his neck. I just dont want to like you. I dont want to like anyone. I dont want to date anyone. I dont want to love anyone. I just … He folds his arms back across his chest and looks down at the floor.
You just what? I ask, urging him to finish that sentence. His eyes slowly lift back to mine, and it takes all I have to stay seated on this counter with the way hes looking at me right nowlike Im Thanksgiving dinner.
Im attracted to you, Tate, he says, his voice low. I want you, but I want you without any of that other stuff.
I have no thoughts left.
Brain = Liquid.
Heart = Butter.
I can still sigh, though, so I do.
I wait until I can think again. Then I think a lot.
He just admitted that he wants to have sex with me; he just doesnt want it to lead to anything. I dont know why this flatters me. It should make me want to punch him, but the fact that he chose to kiss me after not having kissed anyone for six straight years makes this new confession seem like I just won a Pulitzer.
Were staring at each other again, and he looks a little bit nervous. Im sure hes wondering if he just pissed me off. I dont want him to think that, because, honestly, I want to yell I won! at the top of my lungs.
I have no idea what to say. Weve had the strangest and most awkward conversations since I met him, and this one definitely takes the cake.
Our conversations are so weird, I say.
He laughs with relief. Yes.
The word yes is so much more beautiful coming from his mouth, laced with that voice. He could probably make any word beautiful. I try to think of a word I hate. I kind of hate the word ox. Its an ugly word. Too short and clipped. I wonder if his voice could make me love that word.
Say the word ox.
His eyebrow rises, like hes wondering if he heard me right. He thinks Im weird.
I dont care.
Just say it, I tell him.
Ox, he says, with slight hesitation.
I smile. I love the word ox. Its my new favorite word.
Youre so weird, he says, amused.
I uncross my legs. He notices. So, Miles, I say. Let me see if Ive got this straight. You havent had sex in six years. You havent had a girlfriend in six years. You havent kissed a girl in eight hours. You dont like relationships, obviously. Or love. But youre a guy. Guys have needs.
Hes watching me, still amused. Go on, he says with that unintentionally sexy smirk.
You dont want to be attracted to me, but you are. You want to have sex with me, but you dont want to date me. You also dont want to love me. You also dont want me to want to love you.
Im still amusing him. Hes still smiling. I didnt realize I was so transparent.
Youre not, Miles. Believe me.
If we do this, I think we should take it slow, I say teasingly. I dont want to pressure you into anything you arent ready for. Youre practically a virgin.
He loses his smile and takes three deliberately slow steps toward me. I stop smiling, because he is seriously intimidating. When he reaches me, he places his hands on either side of me, then leans in close to my neck. Its been six years, Tate. Believe me when I tell you … Im ready.
Those all just became my new favorite words, too. Believe and me and when and I and tell and you and Im and ready.
Favorites. All of them.
He pulls back and can more than likely tell Im not breathing at the moment. He steps back to his spot opposite from me. Hes shaking his head like he cant believe what just happened. I cant believe I just asked you for sex. What kind of guy does that?
I swallow. Pretty much all of them.
He laughs, but I can tell he feels guilty. Maybe hes afraid I cant handle this. He might be right, but Im not about to let him know that. If he thinks I cant handle this, hell retract everything hes saying. If he retracts everything hes saying, that means I dont get to experience another kiss like the one he gave me earlier.
Id agree to anything if it means I get to be kissed by him again. Especially if it means I get to experience more than just his kiss.
Simply thinking about it makes my throat dry. I pick up my glass and take another slow sip of my juice while I silently work this out in my head.
He wants me for sex.