Im not positive, but Im pretty sure the expression I just saw on his face was fear. I just wish I knew what he was scared of, because Lord knows I know exactly what Im afraid of.
Im afraid of how this is going to end.
Chapter ten
MILES
Six years earlier
Ian knows.
I had to tell him. After the first week of school, he knew
everything became Rachel.
Rachel knows Ian knows. Rachel knows he wont say
anything.
I give Rachel my room when she moves in, and I take the
spare bedroom. My room is the only spare bedroom with its
own bathroom. I want Rachel to have the better room.
Do you want this box in here? Ian asks Rachel. Rachel asks
what it is, and he tells her its all her bras and underwear. I
thought maybe I should just go ahead and put it in Miless
room.
Rachel rolls her eyes at Ian. Hush, she tells him. He laughs.
He likes that hes in on such a private thing. Thats why he
would never tell. He knows the power of secrets.
Ian leaves after all the boxes are unloaded. My father passes
me in the hallway and pauses. His pause means I should
pause, too.
Thank you, Miles.
He thinks Im okay with this. With the fact that hes allowing
another woman to push out the last reminders of my mother.
Im not okay with it.
Im just pretending to be okay with it, because none of it
matters. Rachel matters.
Not him.
No problem, I say.
He begins walking, then pauses again. He tells me he
appreciates that Im being nice to Rachel. He says he wishes he
and Mom could have given me a sibling when I was younger.
He says I make a good brother.
Words are awful when they come out of his mouth.
I walk back to Rachels room. I close the door.
Its just the two of us.
We smile.
I walk to her and wrap my arms around her, then I kiss her
neck. Its been three weeks since the first night I kissed her.
I can count the times Ive kissed her since then. We cant
interact like this at school. We cant interact like this in public.
We cant interact like this in front of our parents. I can only
touch her when were alone, and we havent been able to be
alone much in the last three weeks.
Now?
Now I kiss her.
We need a few guidelines so we dont get ourselves in
trouble, she says. She separates herself from me. She sits at my
desk, and I sit on my bed.
Well … she sits at her desk, and I sit on her bed.
First, she says, no making out when theyre home. Its too
risky.
I dont want to agree to that rule, but Im nodding my head.
Second, no sex.
Im not nodding anymore.
Ever? I ask her.
Shes nodding. Oh, I really hate that nod.
Why?
She sighs heavily. Sex will make it that much harder when our
time is up. You know that.
Shes right. Shes also completely wrong, but I have a feeling
shell figure that out later.
Can I ask what rule number three is before I agree to rule
number two?
She grins. There is no rule number three.
I grin. So sex is the only thing off limits? And were talking
penetration, right? Not oral?
She covers her face with her hands. Oh, my God, do you have
to get so specific?
Shes cute when shes embarrassed. Just clarifying. I have a
lifetime of things I want to do to you and only six months left
to do them all.
Lets leave the specifics up to the situation, she says.
Fair enough, I say, admiring the blush in her cheeks.
Rachel? Are you a virgin?
Her cheeks grow even redder. She shakes her head and tells
me no. She asks if that bothers me.
Not at all, I say, being honest.
She asks if Im a virgin, but her voice is timid when she asks it.
No, I say. But now that Ive met you, I kind of wish I was.
She likes that I said this to her.
I stand up and prepare to head to my new bedroom to begin
rearranging. Before I walk out, I lock her bedroom door from
the inside, and then I turn around and smile at her.
I slowly walk to her.
I take her by the hands and pull her up. I wrap my arm around
her lower back and pull her against me.
I kiss her.
Chapter eleven
TATE
I have to pee.
Corbin groans. Again?
I havent been in two hours, I say defensively.
I really dont have to use the bathroom, but I do need to get out of this car. After the conversation I had with Miles last night, the car feels different with him in it. It feels like theres more of him, and every minute that passes and hes not talking, Im wondering whats going through his head. Im wondering if he regrets our conversation. Im wondering if hes going to pretend it never happened.
I wish my dad would have pretended it never happened. Before we left this morning, I was seated at the kitchen table with him when Miles walked in.
Sleep well, Miles? he asked as Miles took a seat at the table.
I thought he was going to flush with embarrassment, but instead, he regarded my dad with a shake of his head. Not too well, Miles replied. Your son talks in his sleep.
My father picked up his glass and lifted it in Miless direction. Good to know you were in the room with Corbin last night.
Luckily, Corbin had yet to sit down and hear that comment from my father. Miles was quiet through the rest of breakfast, and the only time I noticed him speaking after that was when Corbin and I were both in the car. Miles stepped over to my father and shook his hand, saying something that only my father could hear. I tried to read my fathers expression, but he kept a tight lid on it. My father is almost as good at hiding his thoughts as Miles is.