He cuts his eyes to mine, and I hardly recognize them from the ice built up behind them. That was all me, Tate, he says firmly. Dont think for a second that my issues are because of anything you do or dont do.
I find a slight amount of relief from his answer but still have no idea what went wrong with him. We keep our eyes locked, waiting for the other to fill the silence again.
I have no idea what hes suffered through in the past, but it must have been pretty damn difficult if he cant move on after six years.
You act like its such a bad thing for us to like each other.
Maybe it is, he says.
I kind of want him to stop talking now, because everything he says is just causing me more pain and making me even more confused. So you brought me here to call it off?
He sighs heavily. I just wanted it to be fun, but … I think you might have different expectations from mine. I dont want to hurt you, and if we keep doing this … I will. He looks out his window again.
I want to hit something, but instead, I run two frustrated hands down my face and fall back heavily against my seat. Ive never met anyone who can say so little when they speak. Hes definitely perfected the art of evasiveness.
You have to give me more than that, Miles. A simple explanation, maybe? What the hell happened to you?
His jaw tightens as firmly as the grip he still has on his steering wheel. I asked you to do two things for me. Dont ask about my past, and never expect a future. Youre doing both.
I nod. Yes, Miles. Youre right. I am. Because I like you, and I know you like me, and when were together, its phenomenal, so thats what normal people do. When they find someone theyre compatible with, they open up to them. They let them in. They want to be with them. They dont f**k them against their kitchen table and then walk away and make them feel like complete shit.
Nothing.
He gives me nothing.
No reaction whatsoever.
He faces forward and starts his car. You were right, he says. He puts the car in reverse and prepares to pull out of the parking lot. Its a good thing we werent friends first. Would have made this a lot harder.
I turn away from him because Im embarrassed at how angry his words are making me. Im embarrassed its hurting me like it is, but everything with Miles hurts. It hurts because I know how good our good moments are, and I know how easily the bad moments would go away if he would just stop trying to fight this.
Tate, he says with remorse.
I want to rip his voice from his throat.
His hand meets my shoulder, and the car isnt moving anymore. Tate, I didnt mean that.
I push his hand away. Dont, I say. Either admit you want me for more than just sex, or take me home.
Hes quiet. Maybe hes contemplating my ultimatum.
Admit it, Miles. Admit it. Please.
The car begins moving again.
What did you expect would happen? Cap asks, handing me another tissue.
When Miles and I arrived back at the apartment complex, I couldnt bear riding up that elevator with him, so I took a seat next to Cap and let him go up alone. Unlike the hard exterior I try to show Miles, I completely break down while spilling all the details to Cap, whether he cares to hear them or not.
I wipe my nose again and drop the tissue, adding it to the pile next to me on the floor. I was being delusional, I say. I told myself I could handle it if he never wanted more. I guess I thought if I let him take his time, hed eventually come around.
Cap reaches around to a trash can at his side and places it between us so I have somewhere to toss my tissues. If that boy cant see what a good thing he could have with you, then he aint worth your time.
I nod, agreeing with him. I do have a lot more important things to do with my time, but for some reason, I feel as if Miles can see what a good thing he has with me. I feel like he wishes he could make this work between us, but something bigger than him or me or us is holding him back. I just wish I knew what it was.
Have I told you my favorite joke yet? Cap asks.
I shake my head and grab another tissue from the box in his hands, relieved at the change in subject.
Knock, knock, he says.
I didnt expect his favorite joke to be a knock-knock joke, but I play along. Whos there?
Interrupting cow, he says.
Interrupt
MOO! he yells loudly, cutting me off.
I stare at him.
Then I laugh.
I laugh harder than Ive laughed in a long damn time.
Chapter twenty-two
MILES
Six years earlier
My dad says he needs to speak to us.
He asks me to get Rachel and meet him and Lisa at the dining-room table. I tell him okay, that theres something we need to
speak to them about, too.
Curiosity flashes in his eyes but only for a brief second. He
thinks about Lisa again, and hes not curious anymore.
His everything is Lisa.
I go to Rachels room and tell my everything that they want to
speak to us.
We all sit down at the dining-room table.
I know what hes going to say. Hes going to tell us he
proposed. I dont want to care, but I do. I wonder why he didnt
tell me first. This makes me sad but only a little bit. Its not
going to matter after we tell them what we have to tell them.
I asked Lisa to marry me, he says. Lisa smiles at him. He
smiles at her.
Rachel and I arent smiling.
So we did, Lisa says, flashing her ring.
So.
We.
Did.
Rachel gasps quietly.
Theyre already married.
They look happy.
Theyre looking at us, waiting for a reaction.
Lisa is concerned. She doesnt like that Rachel looks so upset.