He focuses on my mouth, then back to my eyes again, then back to my mouth. Tate, he whispers. He says my name so softly Im not even sure if his mouth moves.
I dont have time to respond. His hand leaves the button of my shirt and slides through my hair at the same moment as his lips connect fiercely with mine. He slides his body on top of me, and his kiss instantly becomes intense. Deep. Dominating. His kiss is full of something thats never been there before. Full of feeling. Full of hope.
Until this moment, I thought a kiss was a kiss was a kiss. I had no idea kisses could mean different things and feel so completely opposite from one another. In the past, Ive always felt passion and desire and lust … but this time, its different.
This kiss is a different Miles, and I know in my heart that its the real Miles. The Miles he used to be. The Miles Im not allowed to ask about.
He rolls off of me when hes finished.
I stare up at the ceiling.
My head is full of so many questions. My heart is full of confusion. This thing between us has never been easy. One would think limiting oneself to just sex would be the simplest thing in the world, but it makes me question every move and every word that comes out of my mouth. I find myself analyzing every look he gives me.
I dont even know what move Im supposed to make next. Do I lie here until he asks me to leave? Ive never stayed the night with him before. Do I roll over and put my arms around him, hoping hell hold me in return until we fall asleep? Im too scared hell reject me.
Im stupid.
Im a stupid, stupid girl.
Why cant this just be sex for me, too? Why cant I come over here, give him what he wants, get what I want, and leave?
I roll onto my side and slowly sit up. I reach down for my clothes, then stand up and dress myself. Hes watching me. Hes quiet.
I avoid looking at him until Im fully dressed and slipping on my shoes. As much as I want to crawl back into the bed with him, I walk toward the door instead. I dont turn around to face him when I say, See you tomorrow, Miles.
I make it all the way to his front door. He doesnt speak. He doesnt tell me hell see me tomorrow, and he doesnt tell me goodbye.
Im hoping his silence is proof that he doesnt like how it feels to be walked away from.
I open the door and walk across the hall and into my apartment. Corbin is seated on the couch, watching TV. He glances up at the door when he hears me enter, then shoots me a condescending look of disapproval.
Lighten up, I say as I make my way inside. I slip off my shoes by the door. You have to get over this eventually.
I see him shake his head, but I ignore it and walk toward my bedroom.
He was screwing you behind my back and lying to me, Corbin says. Thats not something Ill get over.
I face the living room again and see that Corbin is looking at me. Did you expect him to be open with you about it? My God, Corbin. You kicked Dillon out of your apartment for looking at me the wrong way.
Corbin stands up, angry now. Exactly! he shouts. I thought Miles was protecting you from Dillon, when in reality, he was laying claim! Hes a goddamn hypocrite, and Ill be pissed at him for as long as I want to be pissed at him, so you get over it!
I laugh, because Corbin has no right to point fingers.
Whats funny, Tate? he snaps.
I walk back to the living room and stand directly in front of him. Miles has been nothing but honest with me about what he wants. He hasnt once fed me a line of bullshit. Im the only girl hes been with in six years, and youre going to call him a hypocrite? I dont even try to keep my voice down anymore. You might want to look in the mirror, Corbin. How many girls have you been with since Ive moved in here? How many of them do you think have brothers who would love to kick your ass if they found out about you? If anyones the hypocrite here, its you!
His hands are on his hips, and hes watching me with a hardened look in his eyes. When he fails to respond, I turn to walk back toward my room, but the front door opens with a knock.
Miles.
Corbin and I both turn, just as he peeks his head inside. Everything good over here? he asks, stepping into the living room.
I glance at Corbin, and Corbin glares at me. I arch an eyebrow, waiting for him to respond to the question Miles posed, since hes the one with the issue.
You okay, Tate? Miles asks, addressing only me now.
I look back over at him and nod. Im fine, I say. Im not the one with unrealistic expectations of my sibling.
Corbin groans loudly, then turns around and kicks the couch. Miles and I watch him as he slides his hands through his hair and grips the back of his neck tightly. He turns to face Miles again, then exhales heavily.
Why couldnt you have just been g*y?
Miles looks at him with careful concentration. Im waiting for either of them to have a reaction, so Ill know whether or not I can breathe.
Miles begins to shake his head as soon as a smile appears on his face.
Corbin starts to laugh, but he groans at the same time, indicating that he just came to terms with our arrangement, even though he still may not agree with it.
I smile and walk quietly out of the apartment, hoping theyre about to mend whatever was broken between them when I stepped into the picture.
The elevator doors open on the lobby level, and Im prepared to step off, but Cap is poised in front of them as if hes about to step on.
You coming for me? he asks.
I nod and point upward. Corbin and Miles are working things out upstairs. I was giving them a minute.
Cap steps into the elevator and presses the button for the twentieth floor. Well, I suppose you can walk me home, he says. He grabs the bars behind him for support. I stand next to him and lean against the wall behind me.