I breathe.
I breathe for the first time in what feels like a month.
He can do what he wants with all that. Im done trying.
He blows out a steady, controlled breath while he backs several steps away from me. He winces and turns around as if he doesnt want me to read the emotions that are obviously present somewhere deep within him. His hands grip the back of his neck tightly, and he remains in this position for a solid minute without moving. He begins to blow out steady breath after steady breath, as if hes doing everything in his power to pull himself together and not cry. My heart begins to ache when I realize whats happening.
Hes breaking.
Oh, God, he whispers. His voice is completely pain-ridden. What am I doing to you, Tate?
He walks to the wall and falls against it, then slides to the floor. His knees come up, and he rests his elbows on them, covering his face with his hands to stop his emotions. His shoulders begin to shake, but hes not making a sound.
Hes crying.
Miles Archer is crying.
Its the same heart-wrenching cry that came from him the night I met him.
This grown man, this wall of intimidation, this solid veil of armor, hes completely crumbling right in front of my eyes.
Miles? I whisper. My voice is weak compared with his massive silence. I walk to him and lower myself to my knees in front of him. I wrap my arm around his shoulders and lower my head to his.
I dont ask him whats wrong again, because now Im terrified to know.
Chapter thirty-two
MILES
Six years earlier
Lisa loves Clayton.
My dad loves Clayton.
Clayton fixes families.
Hes already my hero, and hes only two days old.
Shortly after my dad and Lisa leave, Ian arrives. He says he
doesnt want to hold Clayton, but Rachel makes him. Hes
uncomfortable, because hes never held a baby before, but he
holds him.
Thank God he looks like Rachel, Ian says.
I agree with him.
Ian asks Rachel if I ever told her what I said to him after I met
her.
I dont know what hes talking about.
Ian laughs.
After he walked you to class that first day, he took a picture of
you from his seat, Ian tells her. He texted it to me and said,
Shes gonna have all my babies.
Rachel looks at me.
I shrug.
Im embarrassed.
Rachel loves that I said that to Ian. I love that Ian told her that.
The doctor comes in and tells us we can go home now. Ian
helps me take everything to the car and pull it up to the exit.
Before I go back to Rachels room, Ian touches my shoulder. I
turn around and face him.
I get the feeling he wants to tell me congratulations, but
instead, he just hugs me.
Its awkward, but its not. I like that hes proud of me.
It makes me feel good. Like Im doing this right.
Ian leaves.
So do we.
Me and Rachel and Clayton.
My family.
I want Rachel in the front seat with me, but I love that shes
riding in the back with him. I love how much she loves him. I
love that Im attracted to her even more now that shes a mom.
I want to kiss her. I want to tell her I love her again, but I think
I tell her way too much. I dont ever want her to get tired of
hearing it.
Thank you for this baby, she says from the backseat. Hes
beautiful.
I laugh. Youre responsible for the beautiful part, Rachel. The
only thing he got from me was his balls.
She laughs. She laughs hard. Oh, my God, I know, she says.
Theyre so big.
We both laugh at our sons big balls.
She sighs.
Rest, I tell her. You havent slept in two days.
I see her smile in the rearview mirror. But I cant stop staring
at him, she whispers.
I cant stop staring at you, Rachel.
But I do stop, because the oncoming traffic is brighter than it
should be.
My hands grip the steering wheel.
Too bright.
Ive always heard your life flashes before your eyes in the
moments before you die.
In a sense, thats true.
However, it doesnt come at you in sequence or even in
random order.
Its just one picture that
STICKS
in your head and becomes everything you feel and everything
you see.
Its not your actual life that flashes before your eyes.
What flashes before your eyes are the people who are your life.
Rachel and Clayton.
All I see is the two of themmy whole lifeflash before my
eyes.
The sound becomes everything.
Everything.
Inside me, outside me, through me, under me, over me.
RACHEL, RACHEL, RACHEL.
I cant find her.
CLAYTON, CLAYTON, CLAYTON.
Im wet. Its cold. My head hurts. My arms hurt.
I cant see her, I cant see her, I cant see her, I cant see him.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SILENCE.
Miles!
I open my eyes.
Its wet, its wet, theres water, its wet.
Water is in the car.
I unbuckle my seat belt and turn around. Her hands are on his
car seat. Miles, help me! Its stuck!
I try.
I try again.
But she needs to get out, too.
She needs to get out, too.
I kick my window and break the glass. I saw it in a movie once.
Make sure theres a way out before theres too much pressure on the
windows.
Rachel, get out! Ive got him!
She tells me no. She wont stop trying to get him out.
Ill get him, Rachel.
She cant get out. Her seat belt is stuck. Its too tight.
I let go of the car seat and reach for her seat belt. My hands are