underwater when I find it.
She slaps at my arms and attempts to push me away from her.
Get him first! she screams. Get him out first!
I cant.
Theyre both stuck.
Youre stuck, Rachel.
Oh, God.
Im scared.
Rachel is scared.
The water is everywhere. I cant see him anymore.
I cant see her.
I cant hear him.
I reach for her seat belt again.
I get it off her.
I grab her hands. Her window isnt broken.
Mine is.
I pull her forward. Shes fighting me.
Shes fighting me.
She stops fighting me.
Fight me, Rachel.
Fight me.
Move.
Someone is reaching in through my window.
Give me her hand! I hear him yell.
The water is coming in through my window now.
The entire backseat is water.
Everything is water.
I give him Rachels hand. He helps me get her out.
Everything is water.
I try to find him.
I cant breathe.
I try to find him.
I cant breathe.
I try to save him.
I want to be his hero.
I cant breathe.
So I just stop.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
DEAFENING SCREAM.
I cover my ears with my hands.
I cover my heart with armor.
I cough until I can breathe again.
I open my eyes. Were in a boat.
I look around. Were on a lake.
I bring my hand up to my jaw.
My hand is red.
Covered in blood as red as Rachels hair.
Rachel.
I find Rachel.
Clayton.
I dont find Clayton.
I push up on my hands and move to the edge of the boat.
I need to find him.
Someone stops me. Someone pulls me back.
Someone wont let me.
Someone is telling me its too late.
Someone tells me hes sorry.
Someone tells me we cant get to him.
Someone tells me we went over the bridge after the impact.
Someone tells me hes so sorry.
I move to Rachel, instead.
I try to hold her, but she wont let me. Shes screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
She hits me.
She kicks me.
She says I should have saved him instead.
But I tried to save you both, Rachel.
You should have saved him, Miles! she cries.
You should have saved him.
You should have saved him.
I should have saved HIM.
Shes screaming.
Sobbing. CRYING. WAILING.
I hold her anyway.
I let her hit me.
I let her hate me.
Rachel hates me.
I hold her anyway.
Rachel cries, but shes quiet. Shes crying so hard her throat cant even make a sound. Her body is crying, but her voice is not.
Ruined.
Ruined.
RUINED.
I cry with her. I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry and we cry and we cry and we cry.
Ruined.
The water is everything now.
I look at Rachel. I only see water.
I close my eyes. I only see water.
I look up at the sky. I only see water.
It hurts so much. I never knew a heart could hold the weight of the entire world.
I dont make Rachels life better anymore.
I ruined you, Rachel.
My family.
Me and you and Clayton.
RUINED.
You cant love me after this, Rachel.
Chapter thirty-three
TATE
My hands are on him, rubbing his back, touching his hair. Hes crying, and the only thing I can do is tell him never mind. I want to tell him to forget everything I said tonight. I want to do whatever I can to take this pain away from him, because whatever happened shouldnt matter. Whatever happened, no one deserves to feel the way hes feeling right now.
I move his arms from his face, then slide onto his lap. I hold his face in my hands and tilt it to mine. He keeps his eyes closed. I dont have to know, Miles.
His arms wrap around my back, and he buries his face against my chest. His labored breaths come faster as he tries to push back his emotions. My arms are wrapped around his head, and I kiss his hair, then trail kisses down the side of his head until he pulls back and looks up at me.
No amount of armor in the world and no wall no matter how thick could hide the devastation in his eyes right now. Its so prominent, and theres so much of it, I have to hold my breath so I dont cry with him.
What happened to you, Miles?
I dont have to know, I whisper again, shaking my head.
His hands move to the back of my head, and he presses his mouth to mine, hard and painfully. He moves forward until my back is against the floor. His hands pull at my shirt, and hes kissing me desperately, furiously, filling my mouth with the taste of his tears.
I let him use me to get rid of his pain.
Ill do whatever he wants me to do as long as he stops hurting like hes hurting.
He slips his hand beneath my skirt and begins to pull down my underwear at the same time as I hook my thumbs onto the hips of his jeans and push them down. My panties make it to my ankles, and I kick them off, just as he takes both my hands and pushes them above my head, pressing them to the floor.
He drops his forehead to mine but doesnt kiss me. He closes his eyes, but I keep mine open. He wastes no time pushing himself between my legs, spreading them wider. He moves his forehead to the side of my head, then slides into me slowly. When hes all the way inside me, he exhales, releasing some of his pain. Taking his mind away from whatever horror he just went through.
He pulls out, then thrusts inside me again, this time with all his strength.
It hurts.
Give me your pain, Miles.
My God, Rachel, he whispers.
My God, Rachel …