Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
That word gets put on repeat inside my head.
My.
God.
Rachel.
I turn my head away from his. Its the worst pain Ive ever felt. The absolute worst.
His body immediately stills inside mine when he realizes what he said. The only thing moving between us right now are the tears falling from my eyes.
Tate, he whispers, shattering the silence between us. Tate, Im so sorry.
I shake my head, but the tears wont stop. Somewhere deep inside me, I feel something harden. Something that was once liquid completely freezes, and its in this moment that I know this is it.
That name.
It said it all. Ill never have his past, because she has it.
Ill never have his future, because he refuses to give it to anyone who isnt her.
And Ill never know why, because hell never tell me.
He begins to pull out of me, but I tighten my legs around his. He sighs heavily against my cheek. I swear to God, Tate. I wasnt thinking about
Stop, I whisper. I dont want to hear him defend what just happened. Just finish, Miles.
He lifts his head and looks down at me. I see the apology, clear as day, hiding behind fresh tears. I dont know if its my words that have just cut him again or the fact that we both know this is it, but it looks like his heart just broke again.
If thats even possible.
A tear falls from his eyes and lands on my cheek. I feel it roll down and combine with one of my own.
I just want this to be over.
I wrap my hand around the back of his head and pull his mouth to mine. Hes not moving inside me anymore, so I arch my back, pressing my hips harder against him. He moans in my mouth and moves against me once, then stops again. Tate, he says against my lips.
Just finish, Miles, I say to him through my tears. Just finish.
He places a palm against my cheek and he presses his lips to my ear. Were both crying harder now, and I can see that Im more than this to him. I know I am. I feel how much he wants to love me, but whatever is stopping him is more than Im able to conquer. I wrap my arms around his neck. Please, I beg him. Please, Miles. Im crying, begging for something, but I dont even know what it is anymore.
He thrusts against me. Hard this time. So hard I scoot away from him, so he wraps his arms under my shoulders and cups his hands upward, holding me in place against him as he repeatedly pushes into me. Hard, long, deep thrusts that force moans out of both of us with every movement.
Harder, I beg.
He pushes harder.
Faster.
He moves faster.
Were both gasping for breath between our tears. Its intense. Its heartbreaking. Its devastating.
Its ugly.
Its over.
As soon as his body is motionless on top of mine, I push against his shoulders. He rolls off of me. I sit up and wipe my eyes with my hands, then stand up and pull on my underwear. His fingers wrap around my ankle. The same fingers that wrapped around the same ankle the first night I met him.
Tate, he says, his voice riddled with everything. Every single emotion wraps itself around each letter of my name as it comes out of his mouth.
I pull away from his grasp.
I walk to the door, still feeling him inside me. Still tasting his mouth on mine. Still feeling the stains of his tears against my cheek.
I open the door and walk out.
I close the door behind me, and its the hardest thing Ive ever done.
I cant even walk the three feet back to my apartment.
I collapse in the hallway.
Im liquid.
Nothing but tears.
Chapter thirty-four
MILES
Six years earlier
We went home. Not to our home.
Rachel wanted Lisa. Rachel needs her mother.
I kind of need my father.
Every night I hold her. Every night I tell her Im sorry. Every night we just cry.
I dont understand how it can be so perfect. How life and love and people can be so perfect and beautiful.
Then its not. Its so ugly.
Life and love and people become ugly.
It all becomes water.
Tonight is different. This night is the first night in three weeks when shes not crying. I hold her anyway. I want to be happy that shes not crying, but it scares me. Her tears mean she feels something. Even if that something is devastation, its still something. There arent any tears tonight.
I hold her anyway. I tell her Im sorry again.
She never tells me its okay.
She never tells me its not my fault.
She never tells me she forgives me.
She does kiss me tonight, though. She kisses me and takes off her shirt. She tells me to make love to her. I tell her we shouldnt. I tell her were supposed to wait two more weeks. She kisses me so Ill stop talking.
I kiss her back.
Rachel loves me again.
I think.
Shes kissing me like she loves me.
Im gentle with her.
I go slow.
Shes touching my skin like she loves me.
I dont want to hurt her.
She cries.
Please dont cry, Rachel.
I stop.
She tells me not to stop.
She tells me to finish.
Finish.
I dont like that word.
Like this is a job.
I kiss her again.
I finish.
Miles,
Rachel wrote me a letter.
Im sorry.
No.
I cant do this. It hurts too much.
No, no, no.
My mother is taking me back to Phoenix. Were both staying there. Its all too complicated, even between the two of them now. Your father already knows.
Clayton brings families together.
Miles rips them apart.
I tried to stay. I tried to love you. Every time I look at you, I see him. Everything is him. If I stay, everything will always be him. You know that. I know you understand that. I shouldnt blame you.