I rub my lips.
I have to get out of here. He’s not going to tell me anything. He never does. I feel like I smashed my head against a wall.
I breathe heavily. “Lily…” I try to turn, to find her, but my dad grips the back of my head, harder.
I’ve given you everything, Loren.
I forgot what it feels like to stand against him when he’s this wasted and I’m not. It’s easier when I’m numb. It’s easier when we’re sinking in the same f**ked up black hole. But he’s dragging me down, and every brutal cut tears into me. The weight of every word pummeling me.
I am sinking beneath it all.
Like quicksand I should’ve seen in front of me.
“Grow up,” he sneers. “You shouldn’t have to call your goddamn girlfriend when you’re feeling weak.” He removes his hand off my head, and taps my cheek, twice with force. My head jerks back on the second contact. And disgust lingers in my dad’s eyes. For not being strong enough to withstand a f**king slap to the face.
“Hey!” Ryke yells at him.
I feel Lily’s hand in mine almost immediately. And I spin around, done with this shit. Just over everything.
“Lo…” she says, hurrying next to me, but I readjust our hands, lacing my fingers with hers.
“Don’t leave me,” I whisper. I’m afraid of myself, I realize. I don’t want to drink.
Yes I do.
I do so f**king badly.
“Lo,” Ryke says forcefully, about to take a few steps towards our father. I put my free hand on my brother’s chest.
“Don’t start a fight with him,” I say.
“He f**king hit you!”
The pool is dead quiet.
Our dad retreats inside with a new glass of scotch while Sam lifts Maria in his arms and brings her into the courtyard. The rain has stopped.
“Lo!” He grabs my shoulder, practically pushing me to face him.
“You don’t understand!” I shout back, squeezing Lily’s hand. “You don’t get it.”
“What don’t I get?” he growls. “How can you put up with that shit and then defend him?”
“Because he’s just like me,” I retort.
“He’s nothing like you.”
“He’s in pain!” I shout. I’ve given you your life, Loren. “And he’s hurting me before I can hurt him.” You can sell me down the river, son. I have no idea what’s wrong with him, what he heard to make him bitter and malicious. Why he thinks I’m going to f**k him over. I hate that he can’t just tell me. I hate that everyone censors parts of my life from me.
“You’re an idiot if you think that.”
“Then I’m a f**king idiot,” I retort, my blood pumping so fast.
His face twists and he rests his hands on his head. “I didn’t f**king mean it like that.”
“I think we should go,” Lily says, wrapping her arm around my waist. I look down and realize her fingers are purpled from my grip. I loosen my hold.
“Do you want to drink?” Ryke asks.
He’s killing me. “Please, stop,” I sneer, my voice scratching my ears. “I just need…air.” I breathe heavily, trying not to imagine what’s going to happen in a few weeks—my father’s f**ked up version of a warning.
I go outside with Lily, to the courtyard gazebo, away from Maria and Sam. I stopped taking Antabuse about four months ago. This time I sat everyone down and told them before I did it. I wanted to test myself without the pills. A challenge that I was sure I could defeat. They agreed that I’d been sober long enough to toss the pills. To try.
I have no voice in my head that says: you’ll puke if you take a sip of whiskey. You’ll be sick. It’s not worth it.
This is the hardest day I’ve had in years.
And according to my father, it’s only going to get worse.
44
1 year : 07 months
March
LOREN HALE
It’s 2 a.m. and my phone won’t stop ringing.
Lily is hogging our comic book in bed, flipping through it too quickly. “Are you going to answer that?” she asks, licking her finger, about to turn the next page.
“I thought we talked about licking the pages.” She puts fingerprints all over the panels when she does that.
“I’m not licking the pages,” she refutes. “I’m licking my finger. Smart people do it.”
“Like who?”
“Connor Cobalt,” she notes.
“Yeah? Well he’s a weird smart person, so he doesn’t count.” My phone rings again. I internally groan and shut it off, not recognizing the number.
“I’m going to tell him you said that.”
“He’ll probably take it as a compliment,” I say, scooting closer to her. And then my phone goes off again. “Jesus Christ. Who gave my number to a telemarketer?”
“Not me,” she says quickly. “Maybe someone posted it online. That happened to Ryke, you know.”
“I’m also not sleeping with random girls who’ve decided to share my number with the world,” I say crossly, more because of my cell than anything. Ryke should also be more careful with shit like that. He doesn’t care though. He barely cares about what anyone thinks of him.
I can’t be like that. Not completely.
When the next ring comes, I groan out loud. About to silence my cell. Instead I answer the call. My eyes narrow at the comforter, the cold speaker to my ear. “Who is this?” I snap.
“This is Mark Johnson from GBA News. How are you today, Loren?”
A chill sweeps the back of my neck. It’s been about three weeks since Daisy’s pool party—since my dad lashed out at me with seemingly no goddamn reason. This is why. I deduce in two seconds flat that a series of reporters have been trying to reach me.
I can’t do this here, in front of Lily. I lick my lips. “Hold on a minute,” I tell him. My chest constricts, and no matter how hard I tell myself to relax, my muscles just keep tightening.
Lily frowns at me. “Who is it?”
“Can you save my spot in the comic?” I ask. “Don’t dog-ear it; just remember the page.”
“Yeah,” she says softly while I swing my legs over the bed and exit our room, shutting the door behind me. I practically skip steps downstairs and make my way to the kitchen, out of earshot from Lil. If this has to do with her—I need the answers first. So I can break it to her gently.
I try to inhale, to breathe a full breath, but the pressure on my ribcage only pains me.
“Okay,” I say to Mark, standing between the kitchen island and the sink. “What’s this about?”
People holler in the background—on his end, not mine. “Sorry,” he apologizes with a heavy breath, like he’s walking somewhere else. The interfering noise suddenly dies out. I hear a door close. “The newsroom was going crazy when you answered the call. We know that other networks have been trying to get in touch with you too.” And he’s the first one I clicked into.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” I say coldly. “It was random that I picked up your call.”
“And I appreciate it one-hundred percent,” Mark says quickly, as though to keep me on the line. “I know this has to be a tough time for you and your family, Loren, but we’d love to hear your side of the story. Do you have a statement or anything you’d like to say? If you don’t have time, we’d be more than happy with just a short quote.”