“Joking,” he says. “I don’t even know what The Vampire Diaries is.”
I scowl. “It’s a show, a great show.”
With a more charming smile, he pulls me closer. My arms swoop around his waist, the heat of his skin warming me.
“When you’re on stage, stay in the moment,” he says, more encouraging. “Nothing else matters.”
Loud, coarse Russian infiltrates our conversation, the voice familiar by now. Dimitri stands close with a water bottle in hand, passing our apparatus to reach the teeterboard. He speaks straight to Nikolai, but he’s gesturing to me.
After hanging around the Kotovas nearly every single day, I can pick apart certain words. “What’s not a good idea?” I ask Dimitri.
He glances over his shoulder, as though to make sure no one listens in, and then he nears us. My eyes widen as I crane my neck to look up between them, inadvertently being sandwiched between two of the tallest Russian men here.
“Tell Thora,” Dimitri says.
Nikolai marbleizes. “We promised her that we wouldn’t tell anyone.” For some reason, I know that the “her” is not referring to me.
Dimitri rests a hand on my head and speaks in Russian. Um…
Nikolai smacks his hand away and replies, “It’s not the same.”
“No one wants the show to suffer again because of a break up.” Suffer again. He’s referring to Nikolai’s last partner. His last girlfriend. Tatyana. His it’s complicated. I’m beginning to think Dimitri is afraid of history repeating itself.
I didn’t even think of that. “We won’t…” I can’t finish the words. Both guys are glaring at each other, seemingly speaking through their eyes.
And Dimitri is the first to crack. “Go ahead and tell her what happened with Tatyana.”
Nikolai’s jaw muscles clench. “I wish she hadn’t told you anything.”
“We’re friends. The way we’re friends.” He motions to his chest to Nikolai’s, back and forth.
“Bullshit,” Nikolai says. “You loved her. She didn’t love you.”
He snorts. “What are you talking about love? I just wanted to fuck her.”
I cringe at the crudeness of Dimitri Kotova. I will never become used to it. Maybe that’s a good thing. “Nikolai,” I cut in while he throws daggers into Dimitri. “What’s going on?”
He won’t meet my gaze. He’s still fixated on his friend. “I broke up with Tatyana a couple months before her injury.”
He’s telling you the whole story, Thora.
I inhale strongly, waiting for him to release the truth.
Nikolai continues, “I just didn’t love her the way that she loved me, and it wasn’t fair to her—to be in a one-sided relationship. She deserved more than me.”
Dimitri points at himself.
Nikolai retorts, “Definitely not you.”
Dimitri extends his arms. “I’m a great motherfucking catch. Right, Thora?” He winks at me.
My insides curdle. “Uh…”
Dimitri cocks his head. “You’ll come around.”
Not in that way. I hear the humor in his voice, the joke that I might’ve not been able to pick up on first meeting. I hone in on Nikolai’s proclamation: I just didn’t love her the way that she loved me. My face tightens as I wonder: how do I know that our love is equal?
How does anyone know?
Nikolai sweeps my features. “The thought of Tatyana ever leaving—it made me feel free. That’s when I knew.”
I recall all the moments he thought I’d leave Vegas. I saw despair.
“With you,” he says, “it’s the inverse.”
“Get to the important part,” Dimitri interjects, waving him on.
Nikolai rubs his eyes and shakes his head at his cousin. “You think it’s easy for me to say this?” It’s complicated.
“It’s okay…” I tell him. “Whatever it is…” I have no idea what it could be. Not even a little hint or suspicion.
“I can rip it off,” Dimitri declares, about to explain the rest.
“No.” Nikolai stares past me, past his cousin, as though bringing the memory to the front of his mind. “No, I can tell her.” He looks haunted, tormented by this moment in his life. One he’s buried. “I broke up with Tatyana, but we were still in Amour together. And…you know the routine. It’s intense.”
I nod, trying not to picture them together on the aerial silk act. Each trick is strung with emotions. With lust in touching, in kissing, in flying
It’s something that would be complicated with an ex-boyfriend.
“I could act my way through it,” he continues. “And every night, I knew it tore her down, believing that I loved her when I didn’t…I’d come off the stage and I was cold. I didn’t want to confuse her, but I kept hurting her…and there’s nothing I could do. It was the worst two months I’ve ever experienced.”
Dimitri is quiet and more respectful than I thought he’d be. Maybe those months were hard for him too, if he was close to Tatyana.
I can’t even imagine what it must be like—to not love someone when they love you. To love someone when they don’t love you. To have to hurt each other, with no way to end it… “Wait,” I whisper, my eyes growing again, the gears clicking.
“She couldn’t get out of her contract.” Nikolai lowers his voice so no one else can hear but the three of us.
My mouth falls. No.
“Her injury wasn’t an accident. She wanted an out, and at practice for the Russian swing, without telling anyone, she added an extra rotation in a triple sault. And she knew that she didn’t have enough room to land it.” He pauses, his eyes reddening. “Tatyana made it seem like an accident. Not very many people knew we weren’t doing well. We were always professional in the gym, but…I knew her. I knew that I had emotionally pushed her to that place.”
It’s complicated. It seems like an understatement now. This is…there are no words. I reach out and hold his hand, a small gesture, not knowing what else to do.
I ask softly, “Did she…admit to it?”
“To me,” he nods. “I confronted her about it in the hospital.”
“And to me,” Dimitri adds.
That’s it. She told two people the truth, and I guess she made them promise to keep it a secret. “Do I even want to know her injury?”
Nikolai shakes his head at the same time Dimitri says, “She broke her tibia and fibula, right leg.”
I cringe into a worse wince. “God…”
Nikolai shoots Dimitri a glare. “Thanks.”
“She might as well know everything,” he says, “because if this happens again—”
“It won’t,” I cut him off. “It won’t.” I can’t imagine reaching a place that low, and if I did—I don’t think I’d be able to hurt myself like that. I just—I can’t…even fathom it. I feel so horrible for her, if she felt like this was the only avenue to end her pain.
Dimitri nods. “We’re on the same page then.” He pats my head and then he swigs his water, heading to the teeterboard.
Nikolai is staring at the mats, at my feet. It’s a rare sight, one that pulls at my heart.
“Hey,” I whisper. “It’s okay…”