Our eyes meet momentarily before his dart back to the key fob. “Fuck,” he mutters under his breath through gritted teeth. That single word can mean so many things, but right now for me it means I’ve won.
Power to the pregnant woman!
I enter The House with my key, not caring if I’m going to be in trouble or not, because judging by the strange cars in the driveway, someone is here already. I feel thankful seeing Jax’s and Kellan’s cars on the street. I know they are more than capable of handling the situation, but it’s Zander. My Zander. The boy I’ve spent endless hours with to heal his broken heart. The boy who soccers me.
When I clear the great room, I hear startled gasps. The boys look up from doing their homework at the table and run over to me with Racer following excitedly on their heels. Auggie sits back with a soft smile on his lips as I’m greeted with desperately missed hugs and a mind-spinning spew of words as they all try to tell me what’s been going on with them at the same time. Tiny hands run over my belly and tell me how much bigger it seems, and ask when is the baby going to come because they can’t wait to meet him. Because in a house full of boys, they know the baby has to be a boy. A girl is not an option. My heart swells and hurts simultaneously because although it’s only been a few weeks, it feels like I’ve missed years of their lives.
I bite back my anger toward Eddie for taking this away from me. The incessant chatter, the sticky hands, and the dirt-smudged smiles. The things that make my world go round and my heart happy. Hell yes, I’m pissed at him, but right now I’m with my boys and don’t want his vindictiveness to tarnish the small amount of time I’ll get with them.
Later I can stew. Later I can I punch my pillow in anger. But right now, I’m going to soak this up and ignore that I’m going to miss every single thing the minute I have to leave again.
“Rylee?” Kellan says as he clears the hallway, eyes wide, and grin welcoming.
“Hey. Sorry I didn’t call but—”
“You’re here for the same reason as Shane, who keeps calling, saying he’s going to be here any second, yeah?” His voice is deceptive in tone—not letting the boys on what his eyes are telling me—but it’s clear he’s concerned about Zander too. At the mention of Shane, the noise starts up around us again from the boys, excitement that their older brother is on his way to roughhouse and tell them stories about how cool college is.
“Yes.” I nod. “He needs me,” I mouth to him above the fray and he motions with his chin toward the back patio that I can’t see through the angled blinds.
“Okay guys, how about you finish your homework,” I say, stepping right back into the role I was born to play, knowing Kellan won’t take offense to me taking over momentarily. “I need to go check on Zander and when I come back in, if your homework is done, I’ll stay for dinner.”
Cheers fill the air around me followed by the scraping of chairs and elbowing of boy against boy as the fight to regain their position at the table begins so they can finish.
Kellan meets my eyes again now the boys aren’t watching, and I can tell he’s just as upset by all of this as I am. “How long have they been here?” I ask as I reach down to scratch Racer behind the ears.
“Jax is out there with them, watching. The caseworker, the uncle and aunt, and Zander,” he adds, answering the questions I would ask next.
“Thanks.” Our eyes hold momentarily and suddenly it hits me how nervous I was to come face to face with him and Jax. They are the ones feeling the effects of my dismissal—extra shifts, upset boys, curious questions. And yet instead of shaking his head and walking away at the mess I’ve created for all of us, he gives me a gentle but sincere smile. I don’t see the resentment or pity I feared. Rather I see camaraderie, as if he knows I’d move heaven and earth to fix the situation if I could because I’m not oblivious to the toll it’s taken on not only me, but everyone involved.
I smile in return, my thank you for not passing judgment. He nods his head as I slowly slide open the door to the backyard and step out before closing it behind me. I see Zander and my heart breaks instantly. I’m transported back to six years ago when he first came to us, broken and traumatized. His knees are pulled up to his chest as he sits on a chair with his side to me, his arms wrapped around them, his face looking blankly toward the wood panel fence. From what I can see, there is a look of complete detachment on his face. All that’s missing is the stuffed dog he used to tote around for comfort, which now sits up in the closet somewhere.
In a single afternoon, the two people sitting opposite him—his uncle and aunt—have potentially erased the crucial years of work, the countless, grueling hours gaining his trust, helping ease the nightmares that had owned his psyche. Have I lost the hopeful, sweet boy I love so much?
Zander lifts his head and vacant eyes meet mine, crushing my cautious hope about anything positive coming from this situation. It takes everything I have to force a smile on my lips and nod my head in encouragement for him to talk to them. He stares at me, the look of betrayal blatant on his face, but it’s necessary for the caseworker to see I’m trying to help facilitate this connection. When I approach him after the meeting to tell him he can’t let this happen, then I won’t look so unprofessional.
I shift my eyes from Zander to the uncle and aunt. The uncle glances over to me. Fuck. I see recognition in his eyes before they suggestively slide up and down the length of my body in a not-so-subtle show that says he knows exactly what I look like naked.