“You okay, Griffin? You haven’t eaten anything, and from what I remember of having meals with you, you were always the first one done. You were usually the one digging into dessert while everyone else was only halfway through.” Dustin laughed, then smiled at me.
I couldn’t even fake a smile in return, not after that memory. “Yeah…guess I’m just not hungry. Long day.” Pushing my plate away, I stood from the table. “Thanks for the meal, Mom. I just can’t eat.”
After she nodded at me, I trudged to my room, closed the door, then sat on the bed.
I’d never felt this defeated and depressed before, and I really didn’t have anyone to share it with. Chelsey was the one I felt most comfortable talking to, but now that Dustin was back…They’d been apart so long, I didn’t want to keep them apart even longer, not for my pathetic shit. And Chelsey wasn’t the one I really wanted to be talking to anyway. No, who I really wanted was my best friend.
Pulling out my cell phone, I stared at it for twenty minutes. I’d really had a crap day, and hearing Anna’s voice right now sounded like a great reprieve. Assuming she had anything nice to say to me, that was. Eventually we had to talk about…us…right? Might as well get it over with. But what if her solution to this was to end it? What if she was happier without me? Or what if she just wanted some space, and me bugging her drove her over the edge? I had no fucking clue what I was supposed to do and what I wasn’t supposed to do. I was in completely foreign waters, and I was drowning.
“Fuck it,” I muttered. Finding her number, I hit the send button. Restraint was never one of my strong points anyway.
When she answered my call, I opened my mouth to speak. I shut it instantly when I recognized her voicemail prompt. I debated leaving a message, but then decided not to. If she was ignoring me, then she wouldn’t get to listen to what I had to say. Stubborn, sure, but she’d have to answer if she wanted to hear me.
Thinking I could get around her security system, I called Kellan’s house instead. It didn’t even dawn on me that Kellan might answer until the phone picked up. A flash of panic hit me while I waited for a greeting. What the hell would I say to him?
For once, luck was with me, and a feminine voice answered. “Hello?”
“Oh…hey…it’s Griffin. This Kiera?”
There was a pause, and I wondered if I’d just gotten my wife’s voice wrong. It happened on occasion; she and Kiera sounded a lot alike. But then the voice said, “Oh…hey…yeah, it’s Kiera.”
“Oh…awesome…is Anna there? Can I…talk to her?” I wasn’t sure why the words were haltingly coming from my mouth. I usually just asked for what I wanted without hesitation. It was like my entire world had flipped upside down recently, and I was a shadow of who I used to be.
“Anna actually went out…”
My throat constricted. With a guy? I wanted to ask, but if Kiera said yes, I’d be on the next plane north. And after I found whoever the son of a bitch was who thought he could date my wife, I’d pummel him into unrecognizable goo. Then I’d go to jail, and I’d never see my girls again. The threat of jail time was the only reason I stayed silent.
Sensing the awkwardness, Kiera cleared her throat. “I’m watching the kids for her…do you want to talk to them?”
A calm warmth passed over me at the thought of hearing those sweet voices. “Yes.” My speech came out in an unmanly squeak, and I had to clear my throat before I could try again. “Yes…please.”
The pleading in my answer must have moved Kiera. Her voice was thick with compassion when she told me she’d go get them. “Wait,” I said, stopping her. “Before you go…is Anna…is she…okay?”
Kiera let out a long sigh. “She’s getting by. What about you? Are you okay, Griffin?”
Her words hit me right in the gut. Okay? I had no idea anymore. “Yeah, I’m…” My voice trailed off as the desolation of my empty room struck me over the head. My empty room, my empty life. “No…my life is shit without them…” I had no idea if I meant Anna, my girls, or my band. I think I meant exactly what the word “them” implied. They all had a piece of me, and with all of them removed, I was dying inside, little by little, day by day.
With a sniff, I gruffed out, “Can you put Gibson on the line please?”
I’d died enough for one day, and I didn’t need to let Kiera see any more of my pain.
Chapter 22
Hardship
Three weeks went by at my soul-sucking job, and I eventually did get used to the work. My hands were no longer raw and bleeding by the end of the day; I had some super sweet calluses built up. They felt awesome when I was jacking off. Not. It was just another thing that made me miss Anna.
I yawned six times in a row on the drive to work. I hadn’t adjusted to the godforsaken hour, and I never would. No one should be awake at this time unless they were still up partying from the night before. My partying days were pretty much over though. I stopped by a bar after work for an hour or two, just to unwind before heading home to the chaos that was my parents’ house, and then I came home and crashed so I could do it all over again.
I hadn’t even been taking advantage of my one day off a week to go out and do anything. The desire just wasn’t in me. I wanted to get through the day, that was all I cared about now. Sometimes just getting through the hour was a struggle. Just keep going…tomorrow will surely be better. It never was though.