Surprising me, she picked up on the third ring. “Hello?” she sniffled, like she’d been crying. Fuck. Was that because of me?
“Hey…it’s me…Griffin.”
A small laugh escaped her. “I know it’s you. I know your number.”
Duh. Right. “I was just calling to see if you were okay. I saw Matt today and he said…” Not knowing where to go with that, my voice trailed off.
Anna was silent for a few seconds, then said, “You saw Matt? Where?”
Smiling, I told her everything about the auditions, from Kiera coming down to tell me about them, to the disguise Liam had cooked up, to how nervous I’d been. “I was sure the guys were gonna say no…but they moved me to the next round. I think I’ve got a good shot to get on the show…to get my job back.”
She let out a small sigh. “That’s great, Griffin. I’m really happy for you.”
A distance seemed to stand between us as her end of the line went silent. “Anna…I can’t do this without you. Even if you’re in Seattle, and I’m down here, I need your help, your support. You’re my best friend…I need you.”
She sniffled again. “You’re my best friend too, Griffin. I think that’s what makes this so hard…”
I didn’t want to know what she meant by “this.” Separation…or divorce? Instead of asking her to clarify, I asked, “Did you get my letter?”
There was a long pause, then she quietly said, “Yes…You love me? Just straight-up love me?”
I smiled, remembering back to her complaining that I never told her those words. God, what a stubborn idiot I was. “Yes, I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, even when it freaked me out to love you.”
She laughed. “Yeah.” After another pause, she said, “Okay, Griffin. I’ll be your support, I’ll be your friend. But that doesn’t mean we’re suddenly fine. You hurt me. You…betrayed me. That’s not something I can just get over. Understand?”
“Yeah…I understand.” You need time. I’ll give you all the time you need, because all I really need is you.
Chapter 25
A Chance
The next two weeks were brutal, and I called Anna so frequently, she started answering the phone with “Just breathe. You’re doing great, you’ll get through this. One step at a time.” It helped, but only until the next panic attack set in. The show was culling the herd. Massive cuts were happening left and right as the hundreds from across the country who had been allowed to the final round in L.A. were whittled down to the twenty who would make it to the televised broadcast. Those lucky twenty were the ones the fans would vote on to be the next…well, me. And every day I wasn’t sure if I was going to be moving forward or going home.
I’d never experienced anxiety at this level before, and I worried that I’d break under the strain. I think this process was a hundred times harder than the actual gig. That fact fortified me. If I could just make it through this, the next step would be easy. Or easier, at any rate. None of this was easy.
The stress was getting to Liam too, and every night when we met back up in our hotel room, he was a bundle of nerves. “They’re gonna cut me, I just know it. I’m not good enough for this, they’re gonna cut me.”
I ended up using Anna’s words on my brother each night. “Just breathe. You’re doing great, you’ll get through this. We both will.” Like me, he was calmed by those words. For a time.
My brain was fried though, and my spirit was right behind it. On the evening before the final day and the final round of cuts, I felt like I was teetering on delirium. “I think I overestimated my abilities, Anna. I think I do that a lot…”
She let out a dismissive sound. “I wouldn’t have married you if you overestimated your abilities. You’re as good as you think you are, Griffin, you just have to believe it.”
That made me smile, and for a second, I felt just as awesome as she said I was. But then I remembered the distance between us, and my self-assurance cracked again. “I know everything isn’t cool between us, but I’m really glad we can talk like this. I think it’s the most we’ve ever talked.” Our relationship before hadn’t been only physical, but that had been a pretty large chunk of it. Being apart right now but still connected like this was actually bringing us closer. In my mind anyway. I hoped she felt the same, and I told her as much. “Even though you’re up there with the girls, I feel even more connected to you. You know?”
Anna laughed, and the sound relaxed me more than her words had. “Yeah, I know. I think the distance is actually helping us right now. And you’re able to focus on you while I focus on me. I think it’s a good thing.”
“Yeah. I’m horny as hell though,” I said, grabbing my junk and giving it a good squeeze.
A throaty sound escaped Anna. It instantly took me back to my happy place—buried deep inside her with her arms and legs wrapped around me. “Me too, babe…me too.”
Needing to get my mind off how much I wanted to kiss her all over, how soft her skin was and how good she tasted, I said, “We only ever seem to talk about my shit. Tell me what you’ve been up to. I want to know every little detail.”
“Really? You do?” She seemed genuinely surprised that I wanted to hear about her life. Was I that self-absorbed that it was shocking for me to care about anybody else? With a ripple of shame, I realized I was…I don’t think I’d ever asked her about her day before.