Within seconds, Faye was scooping Zeus’ fresh poop into the bag and dancing around the street corner with it. “Way to go, you Olympic god, you!” she shouted. I’d never seen someone get so excited by what I honestly considered to be the nastiest stuff ever.
“Okay, let’s go,” she said, walking back toward my house.
“Go? Go where?”
“Um, to my boss’s house so I can be an adult and set this shit on fire and watch it burn.”
“I thought you were joking about that.”
She rolled her eyes. “Tristan, I joke about penis size, not about tossing shit on my boss’s porch.”
“But why do I need to be included with this? And aren’t we a little…old for these kinds of antics?”
“Yes!” she shouted, her voice cracking. “Yes, it’s completely immature of me to want to throw shit at my boss’s house. And yes, it’s completely immature of me to think that it will make me feel better, but if I don’t do this I’m just going to be pissed off and sad. And I can’t be sad because that means he wins. It means that when he called me tonight to tell me he was getting back together with his ex-wife, I realized he’d always had the upper hand, even though I thought I did. It means that the asshole allowed me to fall in love with him and trust him, only to rip my heart out. I don’t fall in love! I don’t get hurt!” Tears filled her eyes, but she refused to blink because she knew that would make them fall. Tears were a form of weakness to her, and I could tell the last thing Faye ever wanted to feel was weak. “But now all I feel is this breaking inside. I can literally feel every inch of me seconds away from falling apart, and I can’t even go to my best friend about it because she lost her fucking husband and had a really shitty year. I shouldn’t have come to you because it turns out you had an even shittier year, but I didn’t know what to do! I’m fucking heartbroken.
“I mean, why would someone do this?! Why do people fall in love if it means there is a chance of feeling this way? What the fuck is wrong with humans?! HUMANS ARE FUCKING SICK AND TWISTED! I mean, I get it—it feels good, you know? Being in love, being happy.” Her body trembled as the tears fell faster than she could take breaths. “But when that magical rug is ripped out from under you, it takes all the happy and good feelings with it. And your heart? It just breaks. It breaks and it’s unapologetic. It shatters into a million pieces, leaving you numb, blankly staring at the pieces because all your free will, all the common sense you once had in your life is gone. You gave up everything for this bullshit thing called love, and now you’re just destroyed.”
I was quick to wrap my arms around her. She sobbed into me and I held her tighter. We stood on the street corner for a while as she cried and I rested my chin on her head. “I think Zeus went to poop in my backyard today, and I’m pretty sure I forgot to pick it up.”
She pulled away and cocked an eyebrow. “Really?”
I nodded.
We searched my whole backyard and added a nice collection of poop to the bag before she hopped into my car and I drove her to Matty’s house. “This is going to be so good,” she said, rubbing her hands together. “Okay, you keep the car running and I’ll drop the shit, light it up, knock on his door, dash back to the car, and we’ll hit it!”
“Perfect.” She hurried off, did exactly as she’d said she would, and when she jumped into the car, she giggled like a five-year-old. “Um, Faye?”
“Yes?” she laughed, tossing her head back in amusement.
“I think his wooden porch is on fire.”
Her stare twisted to her window, where Matty’s porch was definitely on fire. “SHIT!”
“Literally.” She went to open her door to rush to put it out, but I stopped her. “No. If he sees you, he’ll fire you.”
She paused. “Shit! Shit! Shit!”
I wondered how many times she could say that before it became a tongue twister. “Get down, just in case he sees you. I’ll be back.”
Hurrying out of my car, I rushed to the porch. I stared down at the fire and said a small prayer before I started stomping the fire out, including the bag of poop, which unfortunately got all over my shoes.
“What the hell are you doing?” Matty asked, opening his door and staring at me. The smell of the poop hit him quickly, causing him to cover his nose with his hand. “Is that dog shit?!”
My mind blanked. I wasn’t sure what to say or how to explain why my shoes were currently covered in my dog’s poop. So, I panicked. “I’m the town asshole! I randomly leave shit around because I’m the town asshole! So…fuck you!”
He stared at me.
I stared at him.
He raised an eyebrow.
I raised an eyebrow.
He threatened to call the cops.
I kicked off my shoes, ran to my car, and drove away.
“Holy crap!” Faye said, crying, but this time tears of amusement. “That was amazing. You literally stepped in dog poop to make sure I kept my job.”
“I know. I’m regretting it.” She laughed and when I pulled up to my house, I put the car into park.
“He didn’t really love me, did he? I mean, he said he did, but only at times when he wanted sex. And he told me he was over his wife, but only at three in the morning when he was texting me to come over.”
“He sounds like an asshole, Faye.”
She nodded. “I have a way of falling for those kinds. I just kind of wonder what it would be like to find someone who loves you the same amount that you love them. You know, that person who you see looking your way and smiling because they are just as wild for you as you are for them.”