Lindsay twists around, calling for Elody—“Look who decided to grace us with her presence!” she screams, and Elody scans our faces before registering that I haven’t been at the party the whole time—and then turns to me, slipping her arm around my shoulders. “Now it’s officially a party. Al, give Sam a shot.”
“No, thanks.” I wave away the bottle she offers me. I flip open my cell phone. Eleven thirty. “Actually, um, I think I’m going to go downstairs for a bit. Maybe outside. It’s really hot up here.”
Lindsay and Ally exchange a glance.
“You just came from outside,” Lindsay says. “You just got here. Like five seconds ago.”
“I was looking around for you guys for a while.” I know I sound lame, but I also know that I can’t explain.
Lindsay crosses her arms. “Uh-uh, no way. Something’s going on with you, and you’re going to tell us what it is.”
“You’ve been acting weird all day.” Ally bobbles her head.
“Did Lindsay tell you to say that?” I ask.
“Who’s been acting weird?” Elody’s just made her way over to us.
“Me, apparently,” I say.
“Oh, yeah.” Elody nods. “Definitely.”
“Lindsay didn’t tell me to say anything.” Ally puffs up her chest, getting offended. “It’s obvious.”
“We’re your best friends,” Lindsay says. “We know you.”
I press my fingers against my temples, trying to block out the throbbing sounds of the music, and close my eyes. When I open them again, Elody, Ally, and Lindsay are all staring at me suspiciously.
“I’m fine, okay?” I’m desperate to prevent a long conversation—or worse, a fight. “Trust me. It’s just been a weird week.” Understatement of the year.
“We’re worried about you, Sam,” Lindsay says. “You’re not acting like yourself.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing,” I say, and when they stare at me blankly, I sigh, leaning forward to wrestle them all into a group hug.
Elody squeals and giggles, “PDA much?” and Lindsay and Ally seem to relax too.
“I promise nothing’s the matter,” I say, which isn’t exactly true, but I figure it’s the best thing to say. “Best friends forever, right?”
“And no secrets.” Lindsay stares pointedly at me.
“And no bullshit,” Elody trumpets, which isn’t part of our little routine, but whatever. She’s supposed to say, “and no lies,” but I guess one works as well as the other.
“Forever,” Ally finishes, “and till death do us part.”
The last part falls on me to say, “And even then.”
“And even then,” the three of them echo.
“All right, enough mushy crap.” Lindsay breaks away. “I, for one, came to get drunk.”
“I thought you didn’t get drunk,” Ally says.
“Figure of speech.”
Ally and Lindsay start going back and forth, Ally dancing away with the vodka bottle (“If you don’t get drunk, I don’t see the point of drinking and wasting it”) as Elody wanders back over to Muffin. At least the attention is off me.
“See you later,” I say loudly to all of them in general, and Elody glances over her shoulder at me, but she may be looking at someone else. Lindsay flaps a hand in my direction, and Ally doesn’t hear me at all. It reminds me of leaving my house for the last time this morning, how in the end it’s impossible to understand the finality of certain things, certain words, certain moments. As I turn away my vision gets blurry, and I’m surprised to find that I’m crying. The tears come without any warning. I blink repeatedly until the world sharpens again, rubbing the wetness off my cheeks. I check my cell phone. Eleven forty-five.
Downstairs I stand just inside the door, waiting for Juliet, which is a bit like trying to stay on your feet in the middle of a riptide. People swarm around me, but hardly anybody looks my way. Maybe they’re getting a weird vibe off me, too, or they can tell I’m focused elsewhere. Or maybe—and this makes me sad as soon as I think it—they can sense, somehow, that I’m already gone. I push the thought away.
Finally I see her slip through the front door, white sweater tied loosely around her, head stooped. Instantly I jump forward and put a hand on her arm. She starts, staring at me, and though she must have imagined coming face-to-face with me tonight, the fact that I’ve found her, and not the other way around, throws her off guard.
“Hey,” I say. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
She opens her mouth, shuts it, then opens it again. “Actually, I, um, kind of have somewhere to be.”
“No, you don’t.” In one movement I draw her away from the crowded entrance and toward a little recessed area in the hall. It’s a little easier to hear each other here, though it’s so squished we have to stand nearly pressed chest-to-chest. “Weren’t you looking for me, anyway? Weren’t you looking for us?”
“How did you—?” She breaks off, sucks in a breath, and shakes her head. “I’m not here for you.”
“I know.” I stare at her, willing her to look at me, but she doesn’t. I want to tell her that I get it, that I understand, but she’s examining the tiling on the floors. “I know it’s bigger than that.”
“You don’t know anything,” she says dully.
“I know what you have planned for tonight,” I say, very quietly.