‘You don’t have to be in here,’ I said. ‘We don’t need you f**king fainting or some shit.’
Boyce threw his hands in the air, as if he hadn’t made gagging sounds while Arianna lined up the huge curved needle. ‘If you don’t want me to stay, I won’t stay,’ he said.
I stared at his paler-than-usual face with a straight-up blank expression.
He rolled his eyes and went back out front.
Five minutes later, I had a ring through my lip.
‘Sexy ma-aaan,’ Boyce sang while I paid. He was fine once the needles were put away.
‘Want one, Wynn? I’m paying.’
‘Fu-uuuck no-oooo,’ he sang, adding a hip-swivelling dance move. ‘My sexiness is a Wynn-win without pokin’ holes in my ski-iin.’
Arianna shook her head and handed me my change.
‘Oh, God. Stop,’ I said.
‘See what I did there?’ he asked, unrepentant.
LUCAS
‘You already knew, didn’t you?’ I couldn’t look at her.
‘Yes.’
I wanted to know how long she’d known and how she found out, but neither of those things were important. I made myself face her anger. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘Why didn’t you?’
I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t answer her.
She wanted to know how it was that I went by two names.
‘Landon is my first name, Lucas the middle. I go by Lucas … now. But Charles – Dr Heller – has known me a long time. He still calls me Landon.’ My throat narrowed when I searched for the words to explain why I’d made that change, so I said nothing. The fact remained that I could have told her and hadn’t.
‘You lied to me.’ Her eyes snapped blue fire.
I stepped off the bike and took hold of her shoulders, desperate to make her see that I’d never meant to hurt her. I insisted I’d never called myself Landon – that was her assumption, but Jesus Christ if that wasn’t the most spineless excuse I’d ever voiced. I had known all along what she believed to be true, and I hadn’t corrected her perceptions.
She shrugged out of my grasp and I looked into her eyes. The betrayal there sliced me open. I had to let her go.
‘You’re right, this was my fault. And I’m sorry.’ My hands shook and I knotted them at my sides. I steeled myself and took a breath. ‘I wanted you, and this couldn’t happen as Landon. Anything between us is against the rules, and I broke them.’
I had to make this right with Charles – first and foremost, for the inviolability of her grade. She’d done the work, and I couldn’t let her be punished for my deception. My desire to restore the trust of the man who’d been my saviour in my darkest hours was secondary. I couldn’t consider, now, what I would do if I’d lost that trust entirely.
‘So it’s just over,’ she said, and I came back to myself.
‘Yes,’ I answered, bleeding out at her feet. My ears were ringing. I knew I’d spoken the word, but I couldn’t hear it.
She did.
She turned and went inside, and when she’d disappeared, I went home to face the consequences of what I’d done.
I wanted you … I wanted you … I wanted you. I heard the refrain of my words all the way, like a vinyl track with a scratch, repeating. And then hers: It’s just over … over … over.
It was nearly one a.m. when I slipped through the back door. Heller sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, his gradebook and Jacqueline’s paper. The only light came from the stovetop and the small lamp over the table. The rest of the house was silent.
I took a seat across from him and waited. In all the times I’d cooled my heels across a desk from a frustrated teacher or my small-minded principal, I’d never felt this bone-deep remorse, or this exhaustive disappointment with myself.
As soon as I was seated, he asked, ‘Did you assist her in producing this paper?’
I shook my head. ‘I offered her research sources, and I checked her conclusions and citations. But she wrote the paper.’
‘Same as you would have done for anyone I’d assigned this project to.’
I sighed. ‘Yes, but –’
‘Son, let me help you unhook yourself where I can.’ He grimaced, our eyes connecting. ‘If I’d assigned this paper to another student in the class, would you have given that student the same help?’
I nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Did she ask you for additional advantage or any kind of grade revision because you two were … involved?’ His eyes didn’t leave mine.
I licked my lip, and sucked the ring into my mouth. ‘She … didn’t know I was the class tutor.’
His frown intensified and he squinted, confused.
‘I met Jacqueline outside of class, before you assigned her the make-up work and gave her my email address. She knew me as Lucas, but you called me Landon. I never met her in person as her tutor – we conducted all of that through email, because our schedules didn’t work for meeting up.’
He quirked a brow and my face heated.
‘Um, during regular, daytime hours.’
‘So you didn’t know, until I asked you to assist her with catching up, that she was in the class –’
‘I knew.’
He sighed. ‘She thought you were in the class – but didn’t know you were the tutor.’
I nodded.
He pulled off his glasses and closed his eyes, heaving a sigh. ‘So you conducted this entire dual – relationship – lying to her about who you were. And she didn’t know until tonight.’