In a flash of revelation, I saw what Lia was—a girl who had no respect for the term ‘friendship.’ There were rules that came with being a friend, right? They were pretty much the same rules that came with being a twin. Like always hate the guy who broke your best friend’s heart. Always back up your friend in public, even if they were wrong. And never date your best friend’s boyfriend. Lia wasn’t a best friend—she was a snake waiting to slither her way in between Hailey’s relationship.
I hated her and the boy already.
My eyes traveled over to Daniel, who was staring at me. My heart leaped.
Did I mention how I hated that Daniel was still ignoring me? And I hated how he cared more about Henry being the assistant principal than he did about my feelings? And how he wouldn’t talk to me, but he felt bad for me because I was being bullied?
And did I mention how much I hated being bullied because of my body—which I’d had no choice in creating? I hated watermelons. I hated that I wasn’t invisible to the bullies. I hated the guys who’d added to my tears in the bathroom earlier.
I officially hated boys, banmoys, and Lia.
And Gabby.
I hated her for dying.
Sigh. I didn’t hate Gabby. I missed her.
It wasn’t right. None of it was. Yet I felt like I could only do something about one of the issues at hand. I stood up from my chair and marched toward Theo. My fist took the form Ryan’s had held a moment before.
For a split second, I glanced toward Daniel, who was staring at me with a confused look. Just seeing his perfect eyes made my heart rate increase and my anger rise. Once I reached Theo, I tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned to me, looking ridiculous with his ‘hippie’ bracelets and necklaces and his dirty hair. “Do I know—”
I took his water bottle and splashed it in his face. The cafeteria gasped as they turned to stare at us. “That’s for being a manwhore.” I picked up his vegan salad and dumped it on his head. “That’s for lying and cheating on her with her ex-best friend in front of her!” Then I picked up Lia’s hot grilled cheese and separated it with the intentions of smearing her face in it, but my hands were grabbed.
“Ashlyn! Stop it!” Daniel yelled, standing behind me.
“Let me go!” I screamed as I tried to yank myself from his hold, tears filling my eyes. I threw the grilled cheese in Lia’s face. “She’s still calling you her best friend, you slut! There are rules. There are rules to being someone’s best, and you chose the dirty hippie over a girl who has your picture framed on her dresser! You’re not a friend! You’re a whore!”
Theo tossed his hands up in uncertainty, a piece of lettuce hanging near his mouth. “Who the hell are you?”
“I’m a girl with feelings, you ass**le!” I screamed before getting pulled back by Daniel.
“Ashlyn! Principal’s office! Now!” Daniel hollered in the now silent lunchroom.
I looked at him with tears rolling down my cheeks. I blinked and I could have sworn I saw Gabby standing behind him giving me a small, sad smile. The tears came faster as I pushed myself from Daniel’s grip and marched away toward the office.
“You what?!” Henry screamed as I sat across from him at his desk. He must have snuck outside to his car for a smoke break. I could smell it on his clothing. I sank into the seat and rolled my eyes.
“I thought I was going to be talking to the principal?” I sassed. I hated how sassy I always was with him. But I couldn’t make it stop.
“Yeah, well, he’s busy not dealing with two-year olds,” Henry shot back, pacing his office.
I glanced down to his desk, where he had pictures of Rebecca, Ryan, and Hailey. Henry caught my stare and sighed. He sat down in his chair and clasped his hands together.
“Look, Ashlyn. I get it. You miss your sister. You’re dealing with a lot of things being thrown your way with the relocation. You’re mourning…” He paused. “Don’t you think I miss her, too?”
I found his eyes and they locked in with mine. He didn’t know what missing Gabby meant because he hadn’t been there to begin with.
I reached into the pocket on my dress and pulled out the bucket list. I laid it down on his desk. “You were number three on her list. Out of everything she wanted to do, she wanted to forgive you the most.” I lifted the family photo from his desk and studied it. “I didn’t.”
He picked up the piece of paper and stared at it. After reading, he placed it back down and rubbed the corners of his eyes. “I get it. You’re angry,” he sighed, seriousness lurking in the depths of his eyes. “You’re pissed off. But don’t take it out on the rest of the world.”
He didn’t see it, did he? My longing to call him Dad.
I did my best to mask my broken heart from seeing that he had no pictures of Gabby or me on his desk. I did my best to mask my broken heart from the fact that I really knew number three on Gabby’s bucket list was based on me forgiving Henry, not her. I hated that I was so stubborn and couldn’t just speak to him about it. Say something! my mind screamed. Speak! it cried. But I doubted we had the type of relationship where words would fix anything.
“Fine. Whatever.” I stared at the yellow dandelions swaying left and right outside of his office window. They looked so free based on how they moved, yet I knew their roots were holding them in place, making sure they didn’t dance too far away. He didn’t even cry at her funeral. What kind of father didn’t cry at his daughter’s funeral? “Are we done?”