“I don’t care! You should’ve told me!”
I fold my arms over my stomach and arch over forward a little. I’m surprised I haven’t already puked. My nerves are so frayed it feels like they’re really coming apart inside me. “This can’t be happening…” Finally, I bury my face in my hands and rupture into sobs. “Why the f**k is this happening?!”
Andrew is next to me in seconds. I feel his arms wrap around me. He pulls my trembling body into his chest and holds me. Tight.
“It doesn’t mean anything,” he says. “I honestly don’t feel like I did before, Camryn. I’m having headaches, yes, but they feel different.”
When I tame my sobs enough that I feel like I can speak without choking, I raise my head to see him.
He encloses my face in his hands and smiles faintly at me. “I knew you would react this way, baby,” he says in a quiet voice. “I don’t want you to stress out for the next four days until my appointment on Monday.” He holds my gaze still. “It doesn’t feel the same. Just focus on that, because I’m telling you the truth.”
“Are you?” I ask. “Or, are you saying that to keep me from worrying?” I already have it set in my mind that the latter is exactly what he’s doing. I pull away from him and start pacing the floor, my arms crossed, one hand resting on my lips. I can’t stop shaking.
“I’m not lying to you,” he says. “I’m going to be fine. I feel like I’m going to be fine, and you have to believe that.”
I whirl around to face him again. “I can’t do this anymore, Andrew. I won’t.”
He tilts his head slightly to one side; his gaze is thoughtful, curious, concerned.
I know he wants me to elaborate on what I said, but I can’t. I can’t because the things I want to say would only upset and hurt him. And they would just be words. Words born from pain and anger and a part of me that wants to look God, or whoever, or whatever, in the face and tell It to go to Hell.
I need to calm myself. I need to take a step back and breathe.
I do just that.
“Camryn?”
“You’re going to be fine,” I say to him matter-of-factly. “I know you’re going to be fine.”
He steps back up to me, kisses me on the forehead, and says, “I will be.”
Andrew
35
The past four days have been stressful. Although Camryn said she’d remain positive and not let it get to her, she hasn’t been herself. Her nerves are shot all to hell. Twice I’ve heard her crying in the bathroom and throwing up. Ever since I told her about the headaches last Tuesday night, she’s been acting a lot like she was before we left out to visit Aidan and Michelle in Chicago: faking her smiles and pretending to laugh when something is supposed to be funny. She’s just not herself. Worried about her and remembering what happened after her miscarriage with the painkillers, I flat out asked her if she’s found that “moment of weakness” at all again.
She says she hasn’t and I believe her.
But nothing is going to fix her this time except us leaving this hospital today and me having a clean bill of health.
If I don’t… well, I don’t want to think about that.
I’m more worried about her than I am about myself.
Camryn was asked to wait in another room while the scan is being done. I can tell she wanted to argue with the nurse, but she did as she was asked. And just like the last time, I feel like I’ve been in here for hours, feeling slightly claustrophobic in the tunnel of this huge, noisy machine. Be very still, the technician had asked me. Try not to move or we’ll have to do it over. Needless to say, I practically didn’t breathe for fifteen minutes.
When the scan was over, I pulled the earplugs from my ears and tossed them in the nearby trash.
Camryn just about lost it when the nurse who came to discharge me said that it would be Wednesday before we’d know anything.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Camryn’s eyes were feral. She looked between me and the nurse, back and forth, hoping that one of us could do something.
I looked at the nurse. “Is there any way we can find out the results today?”
Knowing just by looking at Camryn’s expression that she wasn’t going to budge, the nurse sighed and said, “Go sit out in the waiting room and I’ll see if I can get Dr. Adams to come look now.”
Four hours later, we were sitting in Dr. Adams’s office.
“I don’t see any abnormalities,” he said, and I felt Camryn’s hand release its death grip on mine. “But given your history, I think it will be in your best interest to see me once a month for the next several months and for you to make note of any changes you feel need noting.”
“But you said you didn’t see anything,” Camryn said, squeezing my hand again.
“No, but I still think it would be in Andrew’s best interest. Just to be on the safe side. That way, if anything does start to show up, we’ll catch it very early on.”
“You’re saying you think something’s going to show up?”
I wanted to laugh at the look of mild frustration on that doctor’s face, but instead I looked at Camryn to my left and said, “No, that’s not what he’s saying. Just calm down. Everything’s fine. See, I told you everything would be fine.”
And all I could do from that day onward was hope I was telling her the truth.
Camryn
36
Many months later…
Andrew wrote me another letter sometime during our first month in our new house. I think I’ve read it a hundred times. Usually, I cry, but I find myself smiling a lot, too. He told me that he wanted me to read it once a week to mark another week gone by and nothing happened, that everything was still fine. And I did. I usually read it on Sunday night after he had already fallen asleep next to me in our bed. But sometimes, when I’d fall asleep before him, I’d reach over the next morning and take the letter out of the book beside the bed and read it before he woke up. And just like every other time before it, I would look over at him sleeping when I was done and hope for another week.