“Oh, fuck,” Rev muttered at my side before turning to sprint out the back door. In one fluid motion, we all rushed forward after him. The moment I got outside, my heart felt like it shuddered to a stop. Smoke billowed out of Case’s house, where orange and red flames licked and danced over what was left of the frame.
My world momentarily stilled. While I was frozen, everyone around me seemed to race around at warp speed. Raiders came out of every direction of the compound. At my side, Archer frantically called 911, and at the far end of the street, Beth’s silver-headed form began hurrying to the fire.
As I tried to step forward to help, it seemed I was trudging through quicksand in the dreamlike world I found myself in. I shook my head, desperately hoping to shake myself out of the nightmare.
Deacon is in that house. Deacon is in that house. Deacon is in that house!
“CASE!” Kim screamed beside me before breaking into a run.
Although I willed my body to move, it remained rooted to that spot. Like the flick of a switch, I was transported back to the day I stood outside the mechanized ER doors. The grim-faced doctor had just delivered the news to me and my uncle Jimmy of my parents’ deaths. As the doctor stood beckoning me to follow him to where he could take me to my parents’ bodies, I froze. It was like if I took one step forward, then I was acknowledging what had really happened, but if I stayed still and in that spot, it wasn’t real.
Today was the exact same way. I watched with eyes wide with horror as the fire truck wailed past me, screeching to a stop at the front of Case’s house. Mac and Boone strained to hold Kim back. She fought hard against them, all the while screaming Case’s name at the top of her lungs. I said a silent prayer of thanks that none of Case and Kim’s five children were home. They had piled into the family van and left early this morning to spend the day at the mall and movies.
Beth stood beside Kim, head bent, hands steepled in prayer. Rev and Bishop stood on either side of her, blanketing her in their protection. The other club members milled around in the street, shaking their heads in disbelief, with ashen expressions on their faces.
Something scratched my legs, momentarily bringing me out of my trance. When I gazed down, Walter peered up at me, whining repeatedly. For a moment, I could only stare at him. It was like my arms ignored the message my brain was sending out. Finally, I managed to reach down and pick him up.
As I buried my face in his soft fur, my emotions finally thawed into a raw agony. Silent tears slipped from my eyes to dampen Walter’s back. My chest felt like a watch that had been wound too tight. I wanted desperately to let go of the consuming emotions, but no matter how hard I silently wept, I couldn’t find any relief. When my cries turned over to sobs, the pain raged through my chest so savagely, it felt like I was burning from the inside out.
When the last of the flames had finally been put out, there was little left that resembled the former duplex. Smoke still rose from the smoldering ashes. In a way it represented how the world around me now felt—blackened, devastated, in ruins. As I surveyed the expressions of those who had become my family, it seemed they were feeling the same way.
Two firemen brought me out of my thoughts as they walked past me. “When do you think they’ll clear us to go inside to look for the bodies?” the younger asked.
The older grunted. “Son, that wasn’t no hot water heater blowing up. It was an explosion caused by a bomb. That, coupled with the temperature of the fire it causes, and you ain’t gonna find shit. They’ll be lucky if they even have a pile of ashes to put in an urn.”
My hand flew to my mouth to muffle both my scream and the bile that rose in my throat. The older fireman cut his gaze over to me. His expression turned apologetic. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I shouldn’t have said that where you could hear.”
I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. After all, what does one say in this situation? My mind couldn’t even begin to wrap itself around the idea that Deacon was alive inside the clubhouse less than half an hour ago. Now he was gone, reduced to nothingness. In the end, my protector couldn’t save himself. The one place where he felt safe had somehow been breached. I didn’t have to wonder who had done this. Sigel had finally come for his revenge, and he’d struck a devastating blow to the Raiders by taking out its president and sergeant at arms.
After the fire chief spoke to the crowd in a low tone, I watched as Rev wrapped his arms around Beth’s shoulders, trying to console her. But I could hear her anguished wails from where I was. Bishop stood by, placing a hand on his mother’s back. Despite Mac and Boone’s efforts, Kim’s body went limp, and she collapsed onto the ground. Just when I thought she had passed out, she began to pound her fists into the ground. “NOOOOO!” she screamed.
As the other members of the Raiders consoled one another, I’d never felt more alone in my life. Even though I could have reached out to them for comfort, I knew all too well how isolating grief truly was. You could be in a room full of people yet still be all alone in your own private hell. Cradling Walter to my chest, I turned and walked into the empty roadhouse, which was silent as a tomb.
I momentarily paused in front of the chair where Deacon had been sitting. I ran my free hand over the top rung, imagining his strong back pressed against it. If I closed my eyes, I could almost see him there, almost smell his scent still lingering in the air. Craning my ear, I tried desperately to hear his voice in the void.
With nothing but emptiness surrounding me, I made my way back to his room. I closed the door and then trudged across the floor. Taking my cell phone off the nightstand, I actually had the presence of mind to text my principal that I wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow. The truth was I didn’t know when I would go back—if I even could. I’d picked up the pieces of a shattered life once before. Even though it had made me stronger, I wasn’t resilient. I didn’t know if I could come back from this.