Chapter ninety-six
TESSA
My heart aches as the words leave his mouth. He’s too good at this. “You always do this. You say the same things over and over, yet nothing changes,” I say.
“You’re right,” he admits, looking directly into my eyes. “It’s true. Yeah, I’ll admit the first few days I was just so mad, and I didn’t want to be anywhere near you because you were overreacting—but then, as I began to realize this could be it, it terrified me. I know I haven’t treated you the way I should have, I don’t know how to love anyone other than myself, Tess. I’m trying as hard as I can—okay, I haven’t been trying as hard I could. But I will from now on—I swear it.”
I look at him. I’ve heard those words too many times. “You know you’ve said that before.”
“I know, but this time I mean it. After I saw Natalie, I—”
Natalie? My stomach drops. “You saw her?”
Does she still love him? Or hate him? Has he truly ruined her entire life?
“Yeah, I saw her and I spoke to her. She’s pregnant.”
Oh God.
“I haven’t seen her in years, Tessa,” he says sarcastically, reading my mind. “She’s also engaged, and she’s happy, and she told me that she forgives me and was saying how she’s happy to be getting married because there’s no greater honor or some shit, but it was really eye-opening for me.” He steps toward me again.
My legs and arms are numb from the cold air, and I’m furious at Hardin, more than furious. I’m enraged and heartbroken. He keeps going back and forth, and it’s exhausting. Now he’s here in front of me talking about marriage, and I don’t know what to think.
I shouldn’t have even left with him. My mind was made up earlier: I would get over him if it was the last thing I did.
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“That now I realize how lucky I am to have you, to have you stick by me through all the shit I put you through.”
“Well, you are. And you should’ve realized that before. I’ve always loved you more than you love me and—”
“That’s not true! I love you more than anyone has ever loved another person. I went through hell, too, Tessa. I’ve been sick, literally, without you. I’ve barely eaten, I know I look like shit. I was doing this for you so you could move on,” he explains.
“That doesn’t even make any sense.” I push my damp hair away from my face.
“Yes, it does. It does make sense. I thought if I stayed out of your life, you could move on and be happy without me, with your own Elijah.”
“Who’s Elijah?” What is he talking about?
“What? Oh, Natalie’s fiancé. See, she found someone to love and marry her; you can, too,” he tells me.
“But that someone’s not you . . . is it?” I ask him.
A few seconds pass and he doesn’t say anything. His expression is puzzled and frantic as he tugs at his hair for the tenth time in the last hour. Slivers of orange and red light are beginning to appear behind the large houses on the block, and I need to get inside before everyone wakes up and I have to shame-walk past them in boxers and high heels.
“I didn’t think so.” I sigh, not allowing any more tears to be shed for him, not until I’m alone, at least.
Hardin stands in front of me with a completely blank expression as I pull up Landon’s number and ask him to open the door for me. I should have known that Hardin was only going to fight enough to get me out of Zed’s apartment. Now that he actually has the perfect opportunity to tell me everything I need to hear, he’s standing there in silence.
“COME ON, IT’S FREEZING,” Landon says and closes the door behind me.
I don’t want to push my problems on Landon right now. He only got home from New York a few hours ago, and I need to not be selfish.
He grabs the blanket that hangs over the back of the chair and drapes it over my shoulders. “Let’s go upstairs before they get up,” he suggests, and I nod.
My entire body and mind are numb from the snow and Hardin. I glance at the clock as I follow Landon up the stairs; it’s ten till six. I need to get into the shower in ten minutes. It’s going to be a long day. Landon opens the door to the room I’ve been staying in and turns the light on as I walk over to sit on the edge of the bed.
“Are you okay? You look like you’re freezing,” he says, and I nod. I’m grateful for him not asking what I’m wearing and why.
“How was New York?” I ask, but I know my voice comes out monotone and uninterested. The thing is, I am interested in my best friend’s life, I just have no emotions left to show.
He gives me a little look. “You sure you want to talk about this right now? It can wait until coffee o’clock, you know.”
“I’m sure,” I say and force a smile.
I’m used to this back-and-forth with Hardin; it still hurts, but I knew it was coming. It always does. I can’t believe he went to England to get away from me. He said he had to clear his head, but I should be the one clearing mine. I shouldn’t have stayed outside and talked to him for so long. I should have had him drive me here and come right inside the house instead of listening to him. The words he said only made me more confused. I thought for a moment he was going to say he does see and want a future with me, but when it came time for him to say just that, he let me walk away again.
When he admitted that he wanted to take me away to England so I couldn’t leave him, I should have run for the hills, but I know him too well. I know he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of anyone loving him, and I know that in his mind that made sense to him. The problem is that’s not a normal thing to do—he can’t just expect me to give up everything and be trapped with him in England. We can’t be there just because he’s scared that if we’re not, I’ll leave him.