And I don’t have a boyfriend , I want to add. And I wish we could rewind and go up on the London Eye and you’d kiss me again. And this time I wouldn’t pull away, whatever happened, however many ghosts yelled at me .
“Lara, please don’t apologize.” Ed sounds remote. “I should have realized you had more… commercial concerns, shall we say. That’s why you were trying to let me down. I appreciate that little blast of honesty, at any rate.”
I feel a sudden iciness in my spine. Is that what he thinks? That I was just after him for business?
“Ed, no,” I say quickly. “It wasn’t like that. I really enjoyed our day together. I know things went a bit weird, but there were… complicating factors. I can’t explain-”
“Please don’t patronize me,” Ed interrupts evenly. “You and your colleague clearly cooked up a little plan. I don’t particularly appreciate your methods, but I suppose you have to be applauded for perseverance.”
“It’s not true!” I say in horror. “Ed, you can’t believe anything Natalie says. You know she’s unreliable. You can’t believe we cooked up a plan, it’s a ludicrous idea!”
“Believe me,” he says shortly, “after the small amount of research I did on Natalie, I’d believe her capable of any plan, however devious or dumb-assed. Whether you’re simply nave or as bad as she is, I don’t know-”
“You’ve got it all wrong!” I say desperately.
“Jesus, Lara!” Ed sounds at the end of his tether. “Don’t push it. I know you have a boyfriend. I know you and Josh got back together, probably never even broke up. The whole thing was a sting, and don’t fucking insult me by carrying on with the charade. I should’ve realized the instant you showed up in my office. Maybe you did your research and found out about Corinne and me. Figured you could get to me that way. God knows what you people are capable of. Nothing would surprise me.”
His voice is so harsh, so hostile, I flinch.
“I wouldn’t do that! I would never do that, never!” My voice trembles. “Ed, what we had was real. We danced… we had such fun… You can’t think it was all fake-”
“And you don’t have a boyfriend, I suppose.” He sounds like a barrister in court.
“No! Of course not-I mean yes,” I correct myself. “I did, but I split up with him on Friday-”
“On Friday!” Ed gives a humorless laugh which makes me wince. “How convenient. Lara, I don’t have time for this.”
“Ed, please.” My eyes are welling up. “You have to believe me-”
“Bye, Lara.”
The phone goes dead. I stand for a moment, motionless, little darts of pain shooting around my body. There’s no point calling back. There’s no point trying to explain. He’ll never believe me. He thinks I’m a cynical user-or, at best, nave and weak. And there’s nothing I can do.
No. I’m wrong. There is something I can do.
I fiercely brush at my eyes and turn on my heel. As I arrive upstairs, Natalie’s on the phone, filing her nails and uproariously laughing at something. Without pausing, I head for her desk, reach over and cut the line.
“What the fuck?” Natalie spins around. “I was on the phone!”
“Well, now you’re not,” I say evenly. “And you’re going to listen to me. I’ve had enough. You can’t behave like this.”
“What?” She laughs.
“You swan off to Goa. You expect us to pick up the pieces. It’s arrogant and unfair.”
“Hear, hear!” chimes in Kate, then claps a hand to her mouth as we both swivel to look at her.
“Then you come back and take credit for a client who I found! Well, I’m not going to put up with it! I’m not going to be used anymore! In fact… I can’t work with you anymore!”
I wasn’t actually planning to say that last bit. But now I’ve said it, I realize I mean it. I can’t work with her. I can’t even spend time with her. She’s toxic.
“Lara. Babe. You’re stressed out.” Natalie rolls her eyes humorously. “Why don’t you take the day off-”
“I don’t need the day off!” I explode. “I need you to be honest! You lied about being fired from your last job!”
“I was not fired.” An ugly scowl appears on Natalie’s face. “It was a mutual decision. They were total assholes, anyway; they never appreciated me properly-” She suddenly seems to realize how she’s sounding. “Lara, come on. You and me, we’re going to make a great team.”
“We’re not!” I shake my head. “Natalie, I don’t think like you! I don’t work like you! I want to put people into great jobs, not treat them like bits of meat. It’s not all about salary!” Feeling fired up, I grab her stupid Salary, salary, salary Post-it off the wall and try to rip it up, except it keeps sticking to my fingers so in the end I just crumple it. “It’s about the package, the person, the company-the whole picture. Matching people. Making it right for everyone. And if it’s not about that, it should be.”
I’m still half hoping that I might get through to her somehow. But her incredulous expression doesn’t alter one iota.
“Matching people!” She bursts into derisive laughter. “News flash, Lara: This isn’t a lonely hearts bureau!”
She’s never going to understand me. And I’m never going to understand her.