I blow them both kisses and hurry off along the pavement. When I reach the corner, I turn to wave-and they’re both still standing there like waxworks.
I do feel sorry for my parents, I really do. Maybe I’ll buy them a box of chocolates.
Twenty minutes later I’m standing outside Josh’s building, feeling bubbly with exhilaration. Everything’s going according to plan. I’ve located his window and explained the layout of the flat. Now it’s up to Sadie.
“Go on!” I say excitedly. “Walk through the wall! This is so cool!”
“I don’t need to walk through the wall.” She shoots me a disparaging look. “I’ll simply imagine myself inside his flat.”
“OK. Well… good luck. Try to find out as much as you can. And be careful!”
Sadie disappears, and I crane my neck to survey Josh’s window, but I can’t see anything. I feel almost sick with anticipation. This is the nearest I’ve been to Josh in weeks. He’s in there right now. And Sadie’s watching him. And any minute she’ll come out and-
“He’s not there.” Sadie appears in front of me.
“Not there?” I stare at her, affronted. “Well, where is he? He doesn’t usually leave for work ’til nine.”
“I’ve no idea.” She doesn’t sound remotely interested.
“What did the place look like?” I can’t help probing for details. “Is it a real mess? Like, with old abandoned pizza boxes and beer bottles everywhere? Like he’s been letting himself go? Like he doesn’t really care about life anymore?”
“No, it’s very tidy. Lots of fruit in the kitchen,” Sadie adds. “I noticed that.”
“Oh. Well, he’s obviously taking care of himself, then.” I hunch my shoulders, a bit discouraged. It’s not that I want Josh to be an emotional wreck on the brink of meltdown, exactly, but…
Well. You know. It would be quite flattering.
“Let’s go.” Sadie yawns. “I’ve had enough of this.”
“I’m not just leaving! Go in again! Look around for clues! Like… are there any photographs of me or anything?”
“No,” says Sadie at once. “None. Not a single one.”
“You haven’t even looked.” I glare at her resentfully. “Search on his desk. Maybe he’s in the middle of writing a letter to me or something. Go on!” Without thinking, I try to push her toward the building, but my hands sink straight through her body.
“Urgh!” I recoil, feeling squeamish.
“Don’t do that!” she exclaims.
“Did it… hurt?” I can’t help glancing at my hands, as though they really have just plunged through her innards.
“Not exactly,” she says grudgingly. “But it’s not pleasant to have someone’s hands poking through my stomach.”
She whisks off again. I try to damp down my agitation and wait patiently. But this is totally unbearable, being stuck outside. If it were me searching, I’d find something, I know I would. Like a diary full of Josh’s thoughts. Or a half-written email, unsent. Or… or poetry . Imagine that.
I can’t help sliding into a fantasy about Sadie coming across a poem scrawled on some cast-aside piece of paper. Something really simple and direct, just like Josh himself.
It Was All A Mistake
God, I miss you, Lara.
I love your-
I can’t think of anything to rhyme with Lara.
“Wake up! Lara?” I jump and open my eyes to see Sadie in front of me again.
“Did you find something?” I gasp.
“Yes. As a matter of fact, I did!” Sadie looks triumphant. “Something rather interesting and extremely relevant.”
“Oh my God. What?” I can hardly breathe as tantalizing possibilities flash through my mind. A photo of me under his pillow… a diary entry resolving to get back in touch with me-
“He’s having lunch with another girl on Saturday.”
“What?” All my fantasies melt away. I stare at her, stricken. “What do you mean, he’s having lunch with another girl?”
“There was a memorandum pinned up in the kitchen: twelve-thirty lunch with Marie.”
I don’t know anyone called Marie. Josh doesn’t know anyone called Marie.
“Who’s Marie?” I can’t contain my agitation. “Who’s Marie?”
Sadie shrugs. “His new girlfriend?”
“Don’t say that!” I cry in horror. “He hasn’t got a new girlfriend! He wouldn’t have! He said there wasn’t anyone else! He said…”
I trail off, my heart thumping. It never even occurred to me that Josh might be seeing another girl already. It never even crossed my mind.
In his breakup email, he said he wasn’t going to rush into anything new. He said he had to take time out to think about his whole life . Well, he hasn’t thought for very long, has he? If I was going to think about my whole life, I’d take ages longer than six weeks. I’d take… a year! At least! Maybe two or three.
Boys treat thinking like sex. They think it takes twenty minutes and then you’re done and there’s no point talking about it. They have no idea .
“Did it say where they’re having lunch?”
Sadie nods. “Bistro Martin.”
“Bistro Martin?” I think I’m going to hyperventilate. “That’s where we had our first date! We always used to go there!”
Josh is taking a girl to Bistro Martin. A girl called Marie.