“Where are you going?” she demands.
“Nowhere.” I hurry on, trying to ignore her. “Leave me alone.”
“You’re meeting Josh, aren’t you?”
“If you knew, then why did you bother asking?” I say childishly. “Excuse me…” I swing around a corner, trying to shake her off. But she won’t be shaken.
“As your guardian angel, I insist that you see sense,” she says crisply. “Josh is not in love with you, and if you think for a moment he is, you’re even more self-deceiving than I thought.”
“You said you weren’t my guardian angel,” I say over my shoulder. “So butt out, old lady.”
“Don’t call me old!” she says in outrage. “And I’m not going to let you throw yourself away on some lily-livered, weak-willed puppet.”
“He’s not a puppet,” I snap, then run down the tube steps. I can hear the train coming, so I swipe my Oyster card, dash onto the platform, and make it onto the tube just in time.
“You don’t even love him.” Sadie’s voice follows me. “Not really.”
This is the final outrage. I’m so incensed I swivel to face her, whipping out my phone. “Of course I do! Why do you think I’ve been so miserable? Why would I want him back if I didn’t love him?”
“To prove to everyone that you’re right.” She folds her arms.
This one takes me by surprise. In fact, it takes me a moment to gather my thoughts.
“That’s just… rubbish! That shows how little you know! It’s got nothing to do with that! I love Josh, and he loves me…” I trail off as I feel the attention of all the travelers in the carriage turning toward me.
I stump to a corner seat, pursued by Sadie. As she draws breath to launch into another speech, I take out my iPod and put it on. A moment later her voice is drowned out.
Perfect! I should have thought of this a long time ago.
I suggested to Josh that we meet at Bistro Martin, just to exorcise all memories of that stupid Marie. As I hand in my coat I see him, already sitting at the table, and feel a whoosh of relief, mixed with vindication.
“You see?” I can’t help muttering to Sadie. “He’s early. Now tell me he doesn’t care for me.”
“He doesn’t know his own mind.” She shakes her head dismissively. “He’s like a ventriloquist’s dummy. I told him what to say. I told him what to think.”
She’s such a bighead.
“Look, you,” I say angrily. “You’re not as powerful as you think you are, OK? Josh is pretty strong-minded, if you want to know.”
“Darling, I could make him dance on the table and sing ‘Baa Baa, Black Sheep’ if I wanted to!” she replies scornfully. “Maybe I will! Then you’ll see sense!”
There’s no point arguing with her. Deliberately, I barge right through her and head to Josh’s table, ignoring her squeals of protest. Josh is pushing his chair back and the light is catching his hair, and his eyes are as soft and blue as ever. As I reach him, something bubbles up in my stomach. Happiness, maybe. Or love. Or triumph.
Like, a mixture.
I reach up for a hug and his lips meet mine, and all I can think is Yessss! After a minute he moves to sit down, but I pull him back into another passionate kiss. I’ll show Sadie who’s in love.
At last he really does pull away, and we sit down. I lift the glass of white wine Josh has already ordered for me.
“So,” I say, a bit breathless. “Here we are.”
“Here we are.” Josh nods.
“Here’s to us! Isn’t it wonderful, being back together again? At our favorite restaurant? I’ll always associate this restaurant with you,” I add a bit pointedly. “No one else. I never could.”
Josh has the grace to look a bit uncomfortable. “How’s work?” he asks quickly.
“Fine.” I sigh. “Actually, to be honest… not that fine. Natalie’s gone off to Goa and left me all alone to run the company. It’s been a bit of a nightmare.”
“Really?” Josh says. “That’s bad.” He picks up the menu and starts reading as though the subject’s closed, and I feel a tiny pinprick of frustration. I was expecting more of a response. Although, now I remember, Josh never does respond to stuff much. He’s so easygoing. It’s what I love about him, I quickly remind myself: his lovely laid-back nature. He never stresses. He never overreacts. He never gets ratty. His approach to life is: Just get along . Which is so sane .
“We should go to Goa one day!” I change the subject, and Josh’s brow clears.
“Definitely. It’s supposed to be great. You know, I’m really into the idea of taking some time off. Like six months or so.”
“We could do it together!” I say joyfully. “We could both give up our jobs, we could travel around, start off in Mumbai-”
“Don’t start planning it all,” he says in suddenly tetchy tones. “Don’t hem me in. Jesus!”
I stare at him in shock. “Josh?”
“Sorry.” He looks taken aback by himself too. “Sorry.”
“Is something wrong?”
“No. At least…” He rubs his head roughly with both hands, then looks up, confused. “I know this is great, you and me being back together. I know I’m the one who wanted it. But sometimes I have this flash of… what the fuck are we doing?”
“You see?” Sadie’s crowing voice above the table makes me jump. She’s hovering above us like an avenging angel.