I can’t give my heart away again. Especially considering it hardly still beat inside my chest. Of course, all this is post-Brent. That’s often how I think of my life – the me before all the drama of my senior year, and the me after. After I trusted him. After I let myself be used by him. I know I brought it all on myself, but that doesn’t erase the past. Looking back, I don’t understand how I could have been so stupid. But when you’re in love and desperate for affection, and dealing with the fact you were adopted – it turns out you’ll do just about anything for attention. Things I now wish I could take back. But I never can. Even if there weren’t witnesses, the act is burned into my memory.
Besides, it’s not like Jase is asking for anything from me. Friends, maybe. That I could handle. I think.
I would probably consider dropping the class if Jase weren’t in there to witness my defeat. I don’t want him to know the subject terrifies me. I want to be brave, open, like the rest of the students seem. I thought taking this class would be good for me, but now I’m not so sure. But one thing is certain – I won’t back out now with my tail between my legs. At least part of me wants to see where this will go – especially since it means I’ll be seeing Jase every Tuesday and Thursday, all surrounded by the titillating topic of sex. It’ll be a wonder if I can survive this semester without spontaneously combusting.
Jase slides into the booth across from me, setting a paper cup of coffee in front of me. “Cream and a boatload of sugar, just like you requested.”
“Thanks.” I try a sip. Jase is still watching me, a lopsided grin across his lips. “What?”
He chuckles softly, the deep timbre of his voice raking over me, and folds his hands on the table in front of him. “Fine, I’ll do it.”
“Do what?”
He smirks. “I see no other choice than to become your tutor.”
This time I’m the one laughing. “You want to be my human sexuality tutor? That’s original. And not douchey at all.”
Jase’s determined gaze meets mine. “As tempting as that offer is – and there’s so much I could teach you – no. I meant I could tutor you at…life.”
“Gee thanks. Why don’t you just admit you think I’m a loser with no life and get on with it.”
“I didn’t say loser. Lost…probably. Not having as much fun as you should be…definitely.”
“Rip the Band-Aid off, why don’t you.”
Jase settles back against his seat, sliding his cup of coffee toward him in the process. “Just calling it like I see it, babe.”
He’s too relaxed, too smug. I want to lash out and say something to wipe that cocky smile from his face. Instead, I pull a deep breath and reflect on his observation of me. I’m sitting stick-straight in my seat, my stack of textbooks neatly lined up in front of me. And each time Jase has seen me – first at the party, then behind the dumpster – I’ve been hiding. I wish I could tell him those were isolated incidents, that I’m not really like that, but sadly I am. I realize with a flash of clarity, Jase is right. And suddenly I want more.
I lean toward him on my elbows, weighing his offer. “So how would this life-coaching work exactly…I’m not saying I’m interested, but if I was…”
“We’d need to begin spending more time together for starters.”
I nod, listening intently. I’m thankful he doesn’t know my heart just kicked into overdrive at his words. “What else?”
Jase abandons his casual posture, leaning in towards me across the table, his brilliant blue eyes piercing mine with intensity. “I’ll issue you challenges as I see fit. You’d have to trust me.”
I fold my arms across my chest. “I’m not running through campus naked or dropping acid or anything weird like that.”
“I wouldn’t ask you to do anything you’re not ready for.” His voice is calm and sure.
I can’t believe I’m considering this, but I am. “Why would you want to do all this…I’m not a project.”
“I didn’t say you were. Let’s just say I could use the distraction right now.”
I know my expression gives me away. I’m beyond confused about what’s happening between us and powerless to stop it.
He brushes his index finger over the crease in my forehead. “Hey, relax.” His voice is just a whisper. “You’re thinking too hard. I’m not going to pry about your past unless you want me to.”
I shake my head, my heart thumping wildly.
Jase’s thumb caresses my cheek before he lets his hand fall away. “You’ll let me know if there’s someone’s ass I should kick, though, right?”
I would giggle at this, if not for the intensity radiating from Jase. “No. I made my own choices.”
He’s silent while he studies me – his blue eyes looking for answers. Answers I can’t possibly give him.
“You were young, too trusting, fell for the wrong guy…”
I clear my throat. “Something like that.”
He reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Hey, it’s okay.”
I manage a nod, arranging my mouth in a smile. If he knew the truth, he wouldn’t be sitting here, being so kind to me. My heart is thudding against my ribcage. “This tutoring thing…When do we start?”
He glances at his naked wrist. “Now would be nice.”
I roll my eyes to avoid chuckling at him. “Fine. What’s my first assignment?”