I cross the main cavern in a daze, barely aware of the eyes that follow me as I pass the platform and walk outside to the sandy cove. I don’t stop until the waves are pushing against my shins. Then I stare at the ocean and let it come. All of it.
The truth.
There was no beginning to Roar and Liv. No starting point. The day Roar came limping into the compound with his grandmother, he was already in love with Liv. She was in love with him, too. Everyone in the tribe saw it. We all knew the seed was there; it just needed to emerge. When it did, Liv had something incredible in her life.
Something I wanted too.
But there was more to it than just that. There were other reasons I wanted Perry. My attraction to him was growing by the day, and he had always been honest and loyal and good. I wanted him for who he was, and for what he’d help create. A perfect foursome of friends, made up of two couples. Made up of two sets of best friends. Every combination felt good.
More than anything, though, I wanted us to be like Roar and Liv. As unabashedly in love. But we weren’t.
Unlike Liv and Roar, Perry and I had a beginning. It was a spring night, in the clearing. The tribe was gathered after supper, enjoying a crisp evening outside after a long winter. Roar was singing while Pierce played guitar. I sat next to Perry on the dirt, close enough that our legs bumped. He moved to scoot away, but I grabbed his forearm and kept him there. Then I kissed him, right there in front of everyone.
At home, my mother nearly pinched my arm off for that. But I knew Perry too well. Know him, since he hasn’t changed. He doesn’t do anything unless he believes in it, heart and soul. I knew I’d need to give him a big push to get us started. And it worked.
After that kiss, everyone assumed we were together. I let them think we were. I watched Perry’s amusement at the notion gradually shift to acceptance. The next time I kissed him, he kissed me back, and that was all.
In a way, Perry was the last to know about us.
But while I initiated things between us, it didn’t stay that way. Perry was there for me. Laughing with me. Wanting me. I know, for a time anyway, that he was as swept away by me as I was by him. But that started to change as soon as Liv and Roar left for Rim. With our foursome split in half, Perry began to drift away from me.
The hints were subtle at first. He’d draw away from a kiss too soon, or fall silent when I spoke to him about our future. Then the signs grew into bigger things. Misunderstandings. Arguments that never felt like they were resolved. I saw the direction we were heading. I just didn’t want to believe it.
But I believe it now. Perry and I had a beginning. We were bound to have an end. And I understand that we were great together sometimes, but what we had was flawed and maybe a little forced. Maybe it was something that I really wanted, but that wasn’t actually there.
Maybe the magic wasn’t in us. It was in my eyes.
7
Why do you get to go outside, but I can’t?” Clara asks me that evening.
“I have to,” I answer.
Clara blinks her wide blue eyes at me. “But I haven’t been outside in months and months and months.”
“You aren’t missing anything.”
“Yes, I am! I want to run on the sand! And it’s so dark in here.”
“It’s dangerous out there, Clara.”
Wylan and his band aren’t the only things I want to protect her from tonight. Outside, the Aether is raging, dropping funnels only a few miles from the cave. When the wind blows in from the right direction, it carries the smell of smoke from forest fires. It’s a measure of Perry and Reef’s concern that they’re sending us out there tonight. They wouldn’t put the patrol at risk unless they had legitimate fears about Wylan returning.
Clara crosses her arms and makes a sulky face, like she is five instead of eight. She thinks it’ll melt me, seeing her act so young. Like the sweet, innocent little sister I lost. But my reaction is the opposite. At some point in the past year she learned to manipulate people, and that makes me want to hit something.
“Then why are you going?” she asks.
I’m not going to tell her about Wylan, so I drop a kiss on her head. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Brookie, please take me with you,” she says, her eyes filling with tears.
Those aren’t an act. They’re real, and my throat tightens up. “Clara, I have to do this. You know I wouldn’t leave you otherwise.”
Around the platform, people are watching us. The tribe has been shaken all day, worried that the Dwellers are faltering. The only thing we want less than sick Dwellers on our hands is dead Dwellers on our hands. Aria’s condition has rattled them as well. She pulled through her surgery, but it was close. She almost lost her arm. And judging by the restless glances thrown my way, the tribe has heard about Wylan and his band too.
It hasn’t been an easy day for anyone.
I can tell my tribe wants me outside, where my bow and my eyes can protect them. It’s where I need to be for Clara’s sake too. So I tell her that.
“I’m going out there for you, Clara. To keep you safe. I have to go now.” I hug her. Then, to take my mind off leaving her, I count my steps as I walk outside.
One, two, three . . . five . . . eleven . . . twenty.
Hayden falls in step with me when I reach forty-two. By ninety-seven we have stepped completely out of the cave. I pause on the small strip of sand and finally allow myself to look back.
Bad idea. The pull to return to my sister is immense. Strong, like I’m falling toward her. She needs me in there and she needs me out here, and how am I supposed to know what’s right? What’s best?